Does the mother get to choose the baby name?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My wife and I expecting our second child in a couple of months, and so far we have not had much success on agreeing on a name. I am not sure whether this is relevant to the question, but I should mention that my wife and I come from different cultural backgrounds (she Asian, myself white American), and the primary point of disagreement is over which culture the name should represent. For the first child (a girl) it seemed almost a given that it would be an Asian name, and I was very happy to go with that. But for the one that is on its way (also a girl), I felt it would be nice to have a european name. I don’t feel super-strongly about this, but thought it would be nice.

But so far, we can’t agree on which culture it should be, as my wife would prefer another Asian name. I am sure we will reach an agreement on something that we both like soon, but what I wanted to ask is whether there is a tradition (either in American/European circles or otherwise) where the mother has the privilege of choosing the name, either by virtue of being the mother, or perhaps because the child is a girl. The topic of the name indecision recently came up in the presence of some friends (all female, two Asian, one white Canadian), and all three said they thought it was the woman’s right.

Is there anything to this? Some tradition I am unaware of? I should mention that this is not a major bone of contention between us, but rather a bit of good-natured banter. But I am intrigued…

2

I don’t know any traditions one way or another. But it seems to me that if you were strongly in favor of a European name, and expressed yourself that way, the first time around, but the child ended up with an Asian name anyway, that this time around the child should have a European name. If you didn’t express preference one way or another, then perhaps you can compromise and have the middle name be Asian and the first name be European.

3

I know of no tradition in the US where the female chooses the name. My wife and I, like you and yours on your fiest child, bantered ideas back and forth until we came to a mutually ageeable name.

It does seem that, in cases where one half of the couple does not want to participate, it’s usually the male that doesn’t care. I’m sure there are examples, but I have never met a woman who did not care about the baby’s name.

4

Strictly IMO: Why don’t you compromise on multiple first names, contributed by both of you (I assume you are in the US - I don’t know the specifics of registering multiple given names there), so your child can pick and choose at a later date? My SO was lumbered with a first given name that she never liked (the name sounded archaic and also was ambiguous as to gender), so in her late 30s she decided to go by her second given name in future, and is happy with it.

5

I don’t know of any such tradition unless the father is not present or not known. I have heard of a ‘tradition’ where the father names any male children and the mother any female children, though I was never sure if this was a actual tradition vs a compromise that the couple made.

I think it is a beautiful idea to have them named as you suggest one from each culture, and I do wish you both peace in this decision.

6

As a practical matter, at least in my state, the mother picks the name because she’s the one the social worker or nurse will ask while filling out the application for a birth certificate in the hospital.

But I agree that, in the dominant mainstream USA culture, there’s not a strong custom either way. It’s custom that the name will be thought on, bantered over and finally agreed upon by both parents.

7

If she’s married she can list her husband as the father without him signing anything; if they’re unmarried either he has to sign the paperwork or she needs to go to court.

8

Give her an Asian middle name and a European first name. Mom shouldn’t have the only naming rights, especially when Daddy is so involved.

9

I don’t know of any formal rule. In some families, it defaults to the mother because she may have the strongest feelings. Many families informally give a little extra sway to mom when it’s a girl and dad when it’s a boy.

“Asian” can mean a lot of things, and it’s worth noting that names can have a different significance in other cultures. In the US, we tend to chose a name that sounds nice, with little other consideration. Other cultures, however, may consider a name to have important familial, religious, astrological, or other significance. Names be considered an important factor in the child’s personality and future. In this case, I’d generally defer to the person who cares more.

It shouldn’t be too impossible to find a name that works across cultures- either one that works on it’s own, or a longer name that has a nice nick-name that works in the other cultures. I’d argue you should always aim to have a name that can be pronounced by both.

10

Back in the day when all mothers were knocked out for delivery, many dad’s interfaced with the hospital staff when filling out the birth certificate info, as mom was still asleep. My great grandfather named my grandmother much to her mother’s chagrin.

You could hover around the hospital room door and intercept the person coming to gather that type of information if you wanted to get the naming rights.

But traditionally in the US, both parents choose the name of the child together.

11

How many more kids are you planning to have? You can do what my favorite hockey player Paul Kariya’s parents did: Western first names and Japanese middle names for the boys and the opposite for the girls.

12

Yeah, the only tradition I’ve ever heard is that the mother and father agree on the name.

I’ll just throw out that it might seem a little odd to me if, of two kids in the same family, one had a very Asian-sounding name and the other had a very non-Asian American-sounding name: I’d be tempted, at least unconsciously, to think of one as “the Asian one” and the other as “the American one.” So my worth-the-paper-it’s-printed-on opinion would be to go with another Asian name—but one that you like and can live with, preferably one that wouldn’t cause Americans any trouble spelling or pronouncing it.

13

Isn’t that how Major Major got his name?

14

I’d be concerned about her lack of concern for your opinion. You shouldn’t be treated as a genetic prop here. And if “Asian tradition”, Old Country Style, is important to her, well, in most Asian traditions, the father or father’s side of the family usually determines the naming of the child (especially for sons). Though I would say, play that card at your peril.

I’m also not sure what is meant by a name that “represents” Asian-ness. My own children (who are also biracial Asian/White) have ordinary, if not particularly common, English language given names. They also have Chinese language names.

As for Asian-American tradition (or at least Chinese-American tradition), my experience is that the “tradition” is to name children with Western names and to give them separate Chinese names. This is true of nearly every Chinese-American kid I knew growing up, including myself. Almost nobody who was born in the US went only by their Chinese name in everyday life, and even most recent immigrants (who came to the US as a child) adopted a “Western name” at some point anyway. This was partly to make it easier for Westerners, and partly because you can only stand to hear your own (or your child’s) name terribly butchered so many times, intentionally or not, before you simply separate the spheres.

The point of all that being, having a “Western first name” doesn’t make a child any more or less Asian, not when even “full-blooded” Asians do it, even those not born in this country. So think about what the point of doing so is. To be blunt, half-Asian children will likely not be viewed as “really Asian” by other Asians anyway, and using a given name as a badge of ethnicity is not going to count as an upgrade factor (though speaking an Asian language to some degree would).

That’s a very good point, too. Depending on just how “Asian-sounding” your first child’s name is, you may be best off committing to a pattern, so to speak. If you do have more kids and eventually have a son, you can always go with the principle of “Mom named the girls and Dad named the boys”.

15

This was my first thought, too. If I met siblings named, say, Eun-Jung and Sophia, I might even assume that one of them - probably Eun-Jung - was adopted. This would be especially true if, as could easily happen, Sophia turns out to look far less Asian than Eun-Jung. If the names were a little more linguistically ambiguous - say, Li-Na and Hannah - I probably wouldn’t think anything of it.

But as for the question of a tradition of who gets to choose, I’ve never heard of one either, outside of individual families. I agree that it should come down to who cares more, ideally with both parties doing their best to meet the other halfway. And it does tend to be the mom who cares more, I think. Like Doctor Jackson, I’ve met quite a few dads who didn’t care about the baby’s name, but no moms. And I’ve also met a good number of moms who are more willing to die on this particular hill because they feel they are owed this in return for the burden of having to carry and deliver the baby.

In my case, both my husband and I cared quite a bit, so we had to negotiate. I thought an Asian name would be nice; he, having one himself, was strongly against it. He won that, but was willing to compromise with an Asian middle name, as per the “tradition” robardin describes. He, in turn, suggested several names that I was strongly opposed to. I won those. But again, I was willing to compromise, and rather than insisting on my first choice, which he didn’t really care for, I found a name we were both comfortable with. And now, of course, we couldn’t imagine the kid being called anything else.

I think this is the way to go, if possible. It would depend on what particular Asian language we’re talking about, but a lot of European names like Lena, Gina, Anne, Lynn, etc. can easily be pronounced (or very closely approximated) and written in Korean, Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Hindi, Laotian, and so on. Likewise, there are many lovely names in each of these languages that are easy to write and say in English, such as Li-Na, Ji-Na, Anh, Lin, etc. You just need to make sure the name doesn’t sound too strange or mean something inappropriate in either language.

16

As far as tradition goes, there really isn’t one that I know of. The closest I’ve heard is that some couples will give the father last say on boys and the mother last say on girls. However, if your circumstances, I’m not sure tradition really applies because of the multi-cultural background. If your cultures are important to you, and it sounds like they are, I would think that the children should have a name that represents both.

One way to do that would be by having one culture in the first name and the other in the second, and maybe swapping them based on sex or birth order. Does your first daughter have a completely Asian name or does she have a European middle name?

Another way to accomodate both cultures would be to be mindful of the names you choose so they can work for both. In that way you could choose an Asian first name, but make sure it’s one that has a close European analog; or vice versa. Like, I know someone named Anh and he goes by Andy. That could be confusing when meeting new people though.

Really, though, it sounds like there’s a disconnect between the two of you. I think you two should really make that effort to understand the importance of the other’s culture. Another thing to consider is the culture in which the child grows up. That is, if the kid is going to be born and raised in the US, they’ll most likely associate a lot more with American culture, and even if they have an Asian name, they’re likely to go by an Americanized version anyway to help fit in with their peers.

17

Something to keep in mind. I love my Indian name, but I shorten it and go by an Americanization of it because too many people butcher my beautiful first name.

18

I don’t know if this is true throughout the US, but in my state (Colorado) the mother fills out the information for the birth certificate. I suppose the father could also do it, but in all cases I’ve heard of it’s the mom who does the form. The information is then printed into a long form and I guess the dad signs it. I say “I guess” because all I’ve got for my lads is the short certificate, no signatures–not a copy of the document but a certification that the document exists on file. I know I signed it.

So in the case of one family member, they agreed on the first name but not the middle name. The mom put down the middle name she wanted; the kid grew up thinking he had one middle name and then, when it was time for his driver’s license, it turned out he had a different middle name. It was even a different initial than the one he’d been using all through school. This was traced back to arguing about whether his middle name should be Malcolm or Alexander; the dad didn’t want Alexander because it would give him a name whose initials spelled SAP. But the mom had the last say.

19

As a compromise tool, I suggest that Mom pick out five names, or even ten names, and give the list to Dad. Mom can explain how each name is pronounced, and the meaning of each name. Dad can go through the list and pick the names he doesn’t like, and then the bargaining begins.

Dad can also explain WHY he doesn’t like some names. There are Asian names that are probably beautiful in the “Old Country” but sound TERRIBLE to anyone English-speaking, or they can be mispronounced as a vulgar word. We don’t need Baby Mogul getting beat up in Kindergarten for having a vulgar name! An example (to me, anyway) is the Asian name “Dung.”

Who knows, Dad? Mom might have a name or two on her list that sound very musical and pleasant to your ears!

When you have parents arguing over baby names, I am reminded of a personal family story. My Great-Aunt and Great-Uncle celebrated the birth of their first child, a son. There was much contention over what to name the kid. Dad finally settled (so he thought) matters, and the son was named “George John.”

Mom, however, got her way. She started calling the boy “Tommy” and he’s been known by that name forever.

Things do have a way of working out!
~VOW

20

It’d be really nice if both Mom and Dad could come to a consensus. If they can’t, then, yes, Mom has the final say. Legally that is the case, plus it’s a perk of carrying the child.