Does your best straight friend want you to tell them if you are gay?

So, 40 years old, closeted, stopped even trying to date a good while back. Became really good friends with a str8 guy about 6 years ago and at 40 unmarried, it would seem obvious but for some reason lately, I just feel like I owe it to him. I don’t like him like that, would never hit on him or anything of the such but he asked why I stopped dating and my reply was about the last lady I was with several years back and I gave up but I think he was giving me an opportunity to be truthful which I think I should have been. Sex never really has meant a lot to me but friends, especially on of your best friends that you can count on one hand mean the world.

So, straight guys, is it best to be left unspoken or better to put it out there…

Reported for forum change.

Anyway, you don’t owe him anything. Does he want you to tell him? Maybe, but only in the sense that a best friend often wants, in a very broad sense, his best friend to be open and honest with him. Coming out is difficult and personal and only you can judge whether now is the right time and whether he’s the right person.

Good luck, and welcome to the Dope.

Moderator Action

Welcome to the SDMB, barrywilliamsusasc.

Please note that the General Questions forum is for factual questions. Since this seeks opinions, I will move to to our In My Humble Opinion forum.

Moving thread from GQ to IMHO.

I don’t know your friend so I couldn’t say.

But I’m a straight guy who has had a number of gay friends over the years, some who were out before I met them and some who came out later. Their orientation never affected my friendship.

I will say that if I had a close friend for a long time I’d hope they could trust me enough to tell me. I’d also want to know so that they could share any pain or frustration they had about being gay or with their relationships which couldn’t happen if they kept it from me. And I wouldn’t cluelessly do something dumb like try to set up my friend with a female date or other misunderstanding.

Your relationship might change, he might treat you differently. But if he’s a true friend your friendship won’t end or get worse.

Find out his thoughts on homosexuality first. I personally wouldn’t care but I have friends that most definitely would, it completely depends on the person and their beliefs.

He likely already knows.

I’m going with this. He’s trying to tell you “I don’t care.”

Also, if he’s not ok with it, <it’s some trap to tell you that you are going to hell or something>, well then he isn’t much of a friend.

If he freaks the fuck out when he finds out you’re gay, then you don’t want him has a friend anyway, because eventually he’s gonna figure it out. You don’t owe it to HIM to disclose your secret, you owe it to yourself.

“If people knew what I was really like they’d hate me” is no way to go through life. Maybe people will hate you when they find out you’re gay, but there’s nothing worse than someone liking you because they think you’re straight, but you know they’d despise you if they knew the truth. That’s soul-destroying.

You don’t have to go around announcing your various quirks to every person as you walk down the street, but keeping enormous secrets from your friends and family is a huge bummer. I mean, if Grandma is going to leave you a million dollars in her will, but would disinherit you if she found out, then maybe keeping a secret from Grandma is worth it. Is your friend going to give you a million dollars?

You don’t have to make a big production out of coming out to your friend, like you’re announcing that you’ve got cancer. Just act like he already knows.

A friend is someone who knows all about you and still likes you!

Most of the responses are pretty much what I assumed. I also assume he knows but just not sure if he would want me to actually tell him or not, guess that could go either way. As far as telling me about hell, that wouldn’t be him.

I guess my question maybe should have been - If you are a straight guy, and good/best friends with someone, do you want them to tell you or should it just go unspoken.

As for his personal feelings on someone being gay, I would say they are probably more in the neutral area - just not into it but doesn’t harp on it or anything and he isn’t very religious so that part would not be an issue.

Guess I just need to get up the nerve and then figure out best what & how to say.

Look, I’m not your friend, but I’m happy to play out a hypothetical. In your situation, I would hope the conversation would go like this.

Him: Hey Johnny Bravo, I have something important to tell you.
Me: Yeah, man?
Him: I’m gay.
Me: No shit, dumbass. We’ve been best friends for six years.

Then I punch him in the arm and we drink beers.

Thanks man, that probably is the easiest, if I have the Kahunas to just say it like that, lol…I appreciate it.

I know some said you don’t “owe” it to anyone and that may be correct or just not the right word to use but for whatever reason, I feel as if I am being deceptive by not being completely honest if you know what I mean.

Yep, you feel like you owe him because friendship is reciprocal and you feel like you’re keeping an important part of yourself hidden from him. I get it 100%. It’s a good thing that you feel comfortable and secure enough in your friendship that you want to tell your bro what’s what.

Nothing about this conversation is negative. If you end up coming out to your friend, I hope it goes very well. If you decide not to, that’s okay too. Do what feels right. :slight_smile:

I would want a good friend to tell me. Sexuality is such a fundamental part of one’s being that I don’t think I could be good friends with someone without knowing this aspect of them. I’ve had friends who I assumed were gay, but without them telling me it eventually becomes the elephant in the room and sets a limit to how close I can get to someone, even “just” a friend. As you point out, friends are important.

It would be a lot less weird if you hadn’t stopped dating for 6 years and were so close to him.

I don’t think you “owe” it to him to divulge your sexuality. This is entirely your unilateral decision to reveal your sexual orientation, (based on your OP scenario) no one’s demanding this information. Guys can be good friends with other guys who aren’t poon hounds or have nebulous or undefined sexuality. Male relationships do not require intimate emotional disclosures for bonding especially regarding sexuality issues. This drive to disclose is all you and what you need to be comfortable.

So no, your best straight friend does not necessarily “want” or need for you to tell them you are gay. If you feel you need to put it on the table and disclose you are gay go for it. Be aware however there is the possibility that it will change the context of your relationship not because he likes you any less as a person, but because hanging out with an out gay man as a go to social buddy is something some straight men may see as being socially awkward. And beyond his feelings it may change the way his wife, GF or peers view the relationship. If his female SO knows you are gay after your reveal and is annoyed or jealous of the time he spends with you some awful things may be said that he has to deal with.

From your OP it sounds like he would be OK with it, but be aware it’s not an unalloyed risk.

I don’t have any gaydar so I wouldn’t know unless someone told me. I wouldn’t care anyway. But I actually appreciate if someone tells me so I don’t try setting them up with a girl or something like that, but I also understand why it’s something they may not want to talk about.

I’m just weirded out by seeing this conversation between barrywilliamsusasc and Johnny Bravo.

That said, I have nothing further to offer here. If he’s a good friend I can’t see that it matters if you make an actual statement or end up just assuming he knows and casually talk about the last guy you dated.

Straight man here and I’d definitely like my gay friends to tell me, providing they are ok to do so. But I’d want them to know it was ok if they wanted not to,also, they don’t owe me that.

Actually I have many gay friends who have told me. I think over half my friends are gay and out to me.

You know what? The more my friends want totally me, the better.

If you tell your friend, and something goes wrong somehow, pm me and I’ll take his place.

OK, so I googled a little and apparently the OP’s username refers to some rugby guy so this is not some meta Brady Bunch thread. Been reading too much sitcom slash I guess. I’ll just bow out now and leave you to your discussion…