You’re not looking for people to prosecute him, or to prove anything, you wer asking for resources to help somebody get away from an abusive relationship. The legal issues pertaining to prove it are completely irrelevant. If she’s looking to prosecute then she needs to go to the cops. If she’s looking to simply get out first, then she needs to go to people who are actual professionals at helping women get away from batterers. In neither case is some kinky sex advocacy group going to be of any use. They are neither lawyers nor social workers, they are political advocates.
And the shelter groups are not going to be judgemental or tell he she wasn’t abused. It doesn’t work that way. They have professional and ethical guidelines that they have to follow regardless of personal feelings. They would not be allowed to deny her any help.
Whatever she’s trying to get, she needs to go to professionals, not irrelevant kinky sex advocates.
Seriously, what do you think a BDSM advocacy group is going to give her? Do they have shelters? financial assistance? legal assistance? No. They do not have any relevant training or resources.
However it starts, and whatever the self involvement in the relationship, once you get beat up, the answer is the same. Out the door, close the door quietly, never return. Don’t look for resolution with the abuser, don’t look for justification of your choices. Leave. Leave now. Deal with life after you leave.
The only variable that matters is, get the kids out first, if there are kids.
Once you are out the door, then you need some social services. Your kink doesn’t really matter at that point. At some future time, you might find it useful to decide if kinky sex as a hobby is going to really find you the partner in life you want to have. But for now, get out, get out fast, and do not look back.
The second time he hits you is the last time he ever sees you. Period. No exceptions. Fuck the apologies.
From Kimstu’s link in Post#4 in this thread:
*
This is the resource for people who are seeking psychotherapeutic, medical, and legal professionals who are informed about the diversity of consensual, adult sexuality.*
Yes they are, and that does not say they provide legal or protective resources for women trying to escape abusive relationships. If she calls that group they are going to tell her to call somebody that actually deals with domestic violence.
What I actually asked for was “lifestyle-specific support in that area.” Like I said before, I know how to Google “women’s shelter” and “domestic violence” and a great many other things. What I don’t know is anyone who lives in Ohio and may know about what I’m asking about.
If I had asked for a “kinky sex advocacy group,” I might concede the point, however, I didn’t.
Point taken.
Seriously, I don’t know, and I understand that you don’t, either. However, the NCSF Kink-Aware Professionals page linked above states:
*"It serves as a resource for people to self-refer for help from **theraputic, legal and other professionals *who will not prejudge based on the consensual adult activities of our constituents."
Again, I understand domestic violence. I’m not going to tell her, “don’t call the cops,” or “don’t leave.” I’m going to tell her whatever I happen to find out, and I cannot for the life of me understand why that is so objectionable.
What is KAP?
Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) is a service offered by NCSF dedicated to providing the community with referrals to psychotherapeutic, medical, legal and other professionals who are knowledgeable about and sensitive to diverse expressions of sexuality.
They’re a referral service, providing referrals to professionals who can deal with a wide range of issues, including Domestic Violence. Said professionals also have some knowledge of BDSM and/or other alternative lifestyles.
What kind of “referral” do you think they’re going to give a woman trying to escape a batterer? It’s going to be the exact same battered women’s shelters as have already been offered, and it’s going to be the cops.
What does she need a lawyer for? is she planning to sue the guy?
Psychotherapy? Fine, but that’s for after she gets away from the guy, not before. The kinky sex stuff has no relevance to the help she needs immediately. The group you reccomend will tell her exactly the same thing.
Maybe she’d like to get her stuff out of the home without getting her ass kicked in the process. Maybe she’d like the guy to not stalk her and/or drag her back if she does get away. Maybe she’d like him to give back any personal property he may have taken from her.
Typically, the first thing a lawyer would do after the victim is out of immediate danger is to seek a protective order, which may be called other things in other jurisdictions. A protective order will not stop a bullet, but it will allow her to get her stuff out of the home, probably under police supervision, and it also provides grounds for an arrest if he should violate the order.
Speaking as someone who is a professional in the area of family violence, it will help if the person they see has some knowledge of the BDSM area. Seeing someone who isnt runs the very real possibility of a resulting in a ‘you just dont understand’ reaction and further isolating the person.
Its great so many people have faith that your average DV worker will handle these kinds of situations well, it is unfortunately not necessarily the case.
If nothing else is available, Id say try a DV service rather than nothing as you may get a person who has some experience in the area, or who is simply a good person at handling cases they dont have much experience in, but seeking someone out who definitely does have experience is a better bet. If you do try this, say you want a BDSM aware/tolerant/experienced person so they can find an appropriate worker if available, rather than just hoping the first person talked to will be OK.
Im from Australia so cant be much help with specific services in that area, but the OP is making a reasonable request.
Thank you, I know what a protective order is, and she doesn’t need a lawyer to get one. More significantly, The issue is that she still needs to get out of the home first. The S&M club is not going to be able to help her with that.
There’s nothing that a DV worker would need to understand about BDSM, nor would they be able to deny help in any case. They will get her out and give her the help she needs regardless of what they undersand about dog collars and leather. It’s not anything that even needs to be mentioned. It’s not relevant to getting her out of the home. Counselling, legal representation etc. are things to seek out AFTER she’s out of danger, not before. There aren’t going to be any shelters that specialize in only helping bondage practicitioners. She’s going to get the same choice of shelters and social workers and cops as anyone else.
It’s fine to ask if anyone understands the kinky sex stuff, but I still don’t see how it would be relevant. Any lawyer she hires certainly would not need to understand it in order to get her a restraining order.
If a batterer has a foot fetish, does the victim need to seek special help only from people who understand foot fetishes? Of course not. The bedroom stuff is meaningless.
They dont just magically ‘get out of the house’, they need to meet someone who they trust enough to talk about things, and plan how to make that house leaving happen, if thats what they’re ready to do.
Its also worth remembering that we’re hearing all this secondhand and we have no idea about what the real situation is.
If that first contact is a bad one, it may not happen at all or further isolate the person. I know you’re trying to help but I think you are underestimating the potential difficulties in these kinds of situations.
Apparently you don’t, and at least in my state, yes she does, if she wants to make it stick. Sometimes, it is possible to get an order before she’s left the home. An Temporary Order of Protection may be issued without notice to the defendant, but it expires after a few days, unless it is made permanent after hearing with notice to the defendant. At that hearing, she has the burden of proving several very specific things. If the guy has a lawyer trying to squash the Temp Order, and she doesn’t have a lawyer, her chances of prevailing and/or obtaining all available relief are not good.
KAP is demonstrably not an S&M club.
You know I do domestic violence work for a living, right?
I know all this. None of it matters until after she’s out of the house and the bondage club can’t get her out of the house. They’re a secondary resource, not a primary one.
By the way, restraining orders are really hard to beat. The defendant basically has to prove that he isn’t a threat to the victim. They rarely succeed in squashing them. This guy will not succeed either. Any attempt he makes to use his sex kinks as a defense will only work against him. There is nothing any lawyer representing her will need to understand other than how the guy abused her or threatened her.
I think we all understand and agree with you that in a severe domestic crisis, the smart thing to do is get the hell out of Dodge and trust the cops and the folks at the shelter to give you adequate support and protection, whether or not they have any familiarity with or understanding of your individual “lifestyle”.
However, maybe the crisis isn’t severe enough to get the OP’s friend to the point of getting the hell out of Dodge but still severe enough that she feels like she wants some help. In that case, it seems perfectly reasonable that she might feel less timid about seeking help if she knows that the people she turns to for help will be reasonably understanding and accepting about her lifestyle.
Yes, we get your point that kink-aware counselors and lawyers aren’t the only people who can help the OP’s friend, but it may still be that she would be more comfortable trying to get help from counselors or lawyers who she knows are kink-aware.
Therefore, information about how to find such people is potentially useful to her in her situation. So ISTM that you’re not really accomplishing anything constructive by aggressively trying to discourage people from trying to help provide that information here.
I’m trying to discourage her from seeking out help from people who don’t have any ability to help her.
And if she doesn’t want help getting out, then what kind of help does she want? It sure sounded like the OP was saying she wanted out.
In terms of whatver she wants to seek out after she’s physically safe, I have no quarrel with any of the other suggestions and would endorse them myself.
I think we might be talking past each other to some degree.
No…they are, as was explained above, a referral service, not a bondage club. If she doesn’t know who else to call, they can point her in the right direction. To a licensed professional who is more likely to understand the complexities of her situation.