Dio, it’s pretty obvious that you don’t have any background, training, or experience in this area (you keep referring to Kink-Aware Professionals as an “S&M Club” even though just the name of the service makes it obvious that’s not what it is); so why are you insisting that you can speak with greater authority on this than those who do have a background in it? We’ve had two DV professionals tell you that you’re wrong, not to mention a number of people with direct experience in kink and the way the mainstream world deals with it.
Can non-KAPs handle emergency services? Well, they should, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they will. A number of kinky people go to the ER for accidental injuries, and instead of getting treated like someone who needs medical care and support, they get treated like they deserved it. Hell, this is even true for people who self-injure – instead of getting medical care and concern, they get an attitude that they did it to themselves, so why are we medical professionals wasting our time with you when we’ve got “real” patients to care for?
This attitude is a huge problem for someone who is trying to escape an abusive relationship. If she leaves, but cannot find an environment with caseworkers who feel that she “deserves” to be there, how long do you think it’ll be before she’s either on the street, or back with her abuser?
Or, she could arrange to leave and go directly into the care of a DV caseworker who knows how her needs are different from the mainstream and knows how to handle it.
People who are not equipped to deal with this will not be able to help her as well as people who are. You yourself are an excellent example of this. Just because you believe it to be unimportant, doesn’t mean that you’re correct.
You didn’t answer the question. Can the kink linker provide emergency services, yes or no?
The answer is no. They are a second call, not a firts call. That’s all I’m saying. I’m not saying don’t call them. I’m saying don’t call them before the emergency is dealt with. They do not proivide emergency services. That is a fact.
This is incorrect. It has not been stated, nor is it true. They provide phone numbers. The phone numbers for emergency DV situations will be 911 and women’s shelters.
Why does it matter, then, if she starts by approaching someone she knows for sure is not going to start off by judging her? Regardless of whether the people you would apparently prefer this woman to contact would actually judge her or not, it’s obviously a complicated situation and this seems an easy way to take away at least one of the concerns and start getting her some help. It’s no use insisting that X is preferable to Y, and ought to be the only solution, if the person won’t actually do X.
Getting someone who understands the issues involved would be valuable, not least because they can help this woman understand where boundaries can and should properly be drawn within a BDSM relationship. It will help her to understand that she’s not wrong if she’s upset by the relationship she finds herself in, and that it’s not something she agreed to by agreeing to be in a relationship that involves BDSM - things that seem obvious to us outside the relationship, but which may not be so clear to her.
Having someone available who isn’t going to dismiss her relationship as invalid and nonsense while helping her see what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour (for her) in a BDSM context can only be a good thing, surely?
You still haven’t answered mine. Why do you have so much respect for domestic violence professionals in Ohio, whom you’ve never met, and so little for the ones posting in this thread, who have been telling you that you are wrong? If the ones in this thread, who are telling you that you are wrong, don’t know what they’re talking about (as can be evidenced by the fact that you’ve ignored their professional opinions on the subject), why do you expect the ones in Ohio to be any better at their jobs?
First, it doesn’t appear that this is a 911 level emergency. Read the OP, this is someone looking for advice, a plan of action, and a way to do so safely and with her concerns being met. She may need to talk to an appropriate DV person, one with experience with alternative lifestyles.
Not all DV counselors are the same, nor should they be. Some will have more experience with the unique problems and issues related to this type of situation. It really does matter that the person in question feel comfortable and not ridiculed during the process. She will want to talk with someone who can relate to her lifestyle.
Not all women’s shelters are the same. Some may have support networks for people with alternate lifestyles that will make them feel safer and less judged. Some may have a religious component that make her feel uncomfortable.
If the guy is breaking down her door, 911 makes sense. Since that’s not the situation, you’re getting your hackles up for no reason.
We don’t know that. It sure sounds like she’s trying to get out of the home. That’s an emergency situation, and that’s something that only emergency professionals can help with. She can call the kink linkers once she’s safe, but they can’t provide her with emergency services.
You seem to have your mind completely made up and are not going to be convinced by any evidence presented here by people who seem to understand the situation far better than you (I don’t include myself in that group, I know little about the lifestyle in question). I don’t know how to continue this conversation since you aren’t willing to listen. So I’m not going to continue that part of this thread, you’re on your own.
No one has prevented any evidence that this referral group is capable of providing emergency services. They’re a second call, not a first call. I don’t get why that’s such a controversial thing to say.
If it were a 911-level emergency, presumably Scupper is intelligent enough to call 911 rather than start a thread on an internet message board.
At this point, we don’t even know that. We’ve got a guy who, over some amount of geographical distance, sees behavior which he interprets as controlling. Given that control is one of the main points of a D/s relationship, and in particular in M/s relationships, and given that Scupper has not indicated one way or another whether she, herself, has said whether this control is consensual or non-consensual, we the masses on the internet, removed by multiple degrees, geography, and computer screens, have no way of knowing whether she wants out of this relationship, or if it’s something she’s genuinely happy with.
If she does want to leave, short of an actual 911-level emergency (as in, he’s holding a gun to her head right fucking now), it makes a lot more sense to take a couple days to come up with a relatively developed escape plan, with support from professionals who know how to do this sort of thing. Doing so will increase her odds that the escape will be permanent. There is more to escape than simply walking out of the house and into a shelter. What happens next? Where does she live? How does she pay the rent? If she can’t figure out those next steps, she ends up back with that guy simply because she has no where else to go.
And in terms of finding those professionals, her odds are even better if she chooses one who is familiar with her lifestyle. There’s nothing at all wrong with getting a referral as the first step in crafting her escape plan.
Because the OP basically said so. It wouldn’t even make sense for having to sneak out emails asking for help getting out of a “bad, bad place” to be part of the game play. Are you kidding me? If ity’s part of the game play, then why is she asking for help to get out of it?
We don’t know what she said, only what Scupper said. His interpretation of their relationship may or may not be an accurate representation of its reality. His OP also didn’t indicate at all whether or not she actually said she wanted to leave the relationship.
Although this is tangential to the issue of whether getting a referral from the KAP list is an appropriate first step in an escape plan or not. Interesting how we’ve diverted from that topic…
Dio, liken it to feeling lousy and going to the doctor. You’re not bleeding to death or having a heart attack, so the ER isn’t the appropriate place to go at this point. Doc takes a look at you and thinks that you would be much better served by a specialist who has more knowledge and experience in your hurty area. You go and get the specific help that leads to your recovery.
If the OP’s friend isn’t in an immediate emergency, the police and most DV shelters aren’t her best option. KAP can act the role of the physician who guides her to a shelter designed to suit her specific needs. Hopefully they can give her the tools that lead to her recovery.
