DON’T touch me.

The BBQ Pit
41

When my wife’s friend was pregnant she got sick of everyone at work touching her belly without asking first. Her asshat coworker, notorious for being a sexist pig, went to touch her stomach. She grabbed his hand, bent it backwards and growled at him, “If you lay so much as lay one finger on me, I will report you to HR for harassment. I don’t see you touching any of the guys.”

She then let go of his hand and promptly threw up all over him. As he stood there, dripping in puke, she told him, “Sorry. Stress makes the morning sickness worse.”

42

[QUOTE=lisacurl]
Oh, man… you probably made her cry.
[/QUOTE]

And that made her pee.

43

I don’t know if I will ever be a father, but this thread is… instructive.

44

[QUOTE=lisacurl]
Oh, man… you probably made her cry.
[/QUOTE]

Not yet, but give it some time. I’ve already had a “Tired of being pregnant” cry today.

45

[QUOTE=Marley23]
I don’t know if I will ever be a father, but this thread is… instructive.
[/QUOTE]
If you are ever on the verge of fatherhood be prepared for the opposite. You’ll be sitting there minding your own business, when your hand will be yanked with enough force to nearly dislocate your shoulder, from wherever you might have placed it, and pressed upon her stomach. Then she’ll stare at you until you say “I felt it”. If you do not say this you’ll never get your hand back.
“It”, I finally figured out, is not a muscle spasm or gas but the baby kicking or punching or something. A tender and loving moment that she knew you wouldn’t understand and her mother was right about you all along <sniff> <puke>.

:smiley:

46

[QUOTE=Bobotheoptimist]
If you are ever on the verge of fatherhood be prepared for the opposite. You’ll be sitting there minding your own business, when your hand will be yanked with enough force to nearly dislocate your shoulder, from wherever you might have placed it, and pressed upon her stomach. Then she’ll stare at you until you say “I felt it”. If you do not say this you’ll never get your hand back.
“It”, I finally figured out, is not a muscle spasm or gas but the baby kicking or punching or something. A tender and loving moment that she knew you wouldn’t understand and her mother was right about you all along <sniff> <puke>.

:smiley:
[/QUOTE]

Also, your beloved will want to be held by you, but sex is out of the question. Don’t ask, don’t try, and whatever you do, don’t say something like “Its been a week since we had sex.” (The neighbors now know more about our love life than they’d like. Of course, their fucking knocks pictures off one of our walls, so we’re even.)

And there are the tits. They will be bigger. Don’t touch them, at all, unless invited.

47

[QUOTE=Mouse_Maven]
Also, your beloved will want to be held by you, but sex is out of the question. Don’t ask, don’t try, and whatever you do, don’t say something like “Its been a week since we had sex.” (The neighbors now know more about our love life than they’d like. Of course, their fucking knocks pictures off one of our walls, so we’re even.)

And there are the tits. They will be bigger. Don’t touch them, at all, unless invited.
[/QUOTE]
You will also be making the late night run to Taco Bell for a Grilled Burrito and then swing by the local convenience store for a pint of Haagen Daz Butter Pecan ice cream. She will be making this menu request from the bathroom as she is heaving her guts out. Don’t dare to question the request. I was told, “Well, my stomach’s going to be empty soon and I’ll be hungry.” :rolleyes:

You’ll also rub cooling peppermint lotion on her sore, tired feet and cocoa butter on her stretch marks, usually at 3 AM. You will never be allowed to touch the thermostat. You will agree with any names she comes up with. You will agree with her that Hallmark commercials are touching. You will reassure her every day that she is the most wonderful, beautiful, terrific and lovely woman in the whole wide world and that there is no place you would rather be than with her.

And, on the day of the delivery, you will be calm, reassuring and supportive as she tells everyone in the delivery room that you are the biggest asshole since time began. You will not respond when she swears in 15 different languages, including some that have not been heard outside of 3rd century Mongolia. You won’t make a sound when she grabs your hand and squeezes your fingers until your pinky literally snaps (I’m not kidding, folks). If she says that you will never have sex with her again, do not attempt to argue with her.

Because this woman you love is picturing the dining hall scene from Alien and is blaming you for every moment of discomfort that she has gone through. You have no right to complain, even jokingly, while she is pregnant, about what you are going through. Unless you are willing to have an umbrella rammed up your tallywacker, have someone pop it open and then yank it back out, you have no right to gripe. Instead, you will do everything for her, care for her every need, and treat her like a queen.

And the whole time, you will think, “Oh, thank you God for making me a man!”

48

MM, it does get better, really it does. Trust me. Trust all of us. The first week of October, you won’t remember any of this. Really.

49

May I ask a pregnancy related question? Why do some women bulge out like they’re going to explode, and some women just look like they gained a few pounds? Is it just the difference in baby weight, or are there other factors?

50

[QUOTE=Autolycus]
May I ask a pregnancy related question? Why do some women bulge out like they’re going to explode, and some women just look like they gained a few pounds? Is it just the difference in baby weight, or are there other factors?
[/QUOTE]

Good gods, I wish I knew. I’m six months pregnant, and just now starting to show. My guess is that clothing and body type play a role in the preggo “look”. I’m short and built like a fire plug, so maybe the baby has more room. Also, I tend to wear baggy shirts, which hides the bulge.

[QUOTE=Duck Duck Goose]
MM, it does get better, really it does. Trust me. Trust all of us. The first week of October, you won’t remember any of this. Really.
[/QUOTE]

Thank you. I’m just having a rough day, but I’ve been good crazy pregnant lady - I haven’t killed the student worker. (She’s 16 and like many teenagers, has a talent for getting on my nerves.)

My list of topics for the OB next week: a therapist recommendation, discuss my Zoloft dosage (my body weight and blood volume has increased, should we consider raising it?), the bladder thing, and the hemorrhoids.

51

[QUOTE=erie774]

And the whole time, you will think, “Oh, thank you God for making me a man!”
[/QUOTE]

Threads like this make me say that and and "and gay’ to the end. :slight_smile:

I’ve always avoided touching pregnant women without a specific invitation to do so and this makes me glad I have. I enjoy not being hurt.

52

[QUOTE=Autolycus]
May I ask a pregnancy related question? Why do some women bulge out like they’re going to explode, and some women just look like they gained a few pounds? Is it just the difference in baby weight, or are there other factors?
[/QUOTE]

Baby weight, water retention, how many are in there, as well as how much space you yourself have in there.

Mom thought she was having twins while pregnant with me she was so big (it was just me and a lot of water). While I was pregnant I didn’t look much different than I did now. The only real differences I noticed was I couldn’t wear any of my more fitted clothing, my stomach wasn’t flabby and ‘loose’ it was more stiff to the touch. I never really looked pregnant and wore most of the same clothing right through my pregnancy and after.

I was so glad to avoid the touching the stomach thing, I hated that no one would let me have a seat on the train. But I see people doing that to obviously pregnant women, so I shouldn’t feel left out (I do give up my seat if I see them).

53

Every person I’ve witnessed doing this has been a woman – is this the case with you, Mouse_Maven? I probably get a distorted view as I see many more interactions among women at work than I do of men.

This is a very interesting thread to me, as I’ve witnessed the same behavior numerous times over the last few months between others and my co-worker. She just had her baby Saturday. She is actually the first woman I’ve even seen pretty much every day over the course of her pregnancy, me being childless and the youngest among my own siblings.

The feeling of the belly thing is not a total shock to me, because I’ve seen it at family gatherings. But total strangers and other folks that she knows slightly through work lay on the hands without a by your leave! :eek: The first time I saw it I practically eeked myself. Really, I was so shocked that had I been the one groped, I would have at least struck out at the hand doing it. But she was totally accepting. My co-worker never once complained, and I haven’t asked her if she didn’t mind or was in reality steaming in silence. But I will ask when she comes back. (Baby girl, 8.5 poiunds, both healthy, btw.) And in all this time, I have yet to feel her belly, nor have the inclination to. And I guess it’s a little late now. :stuck_out_tongue:

So, tell us, IRL have you begun defending yourself against unauthorized touching of the wombal area? Or are you just sharing your seeting with us? Because you should get a canned response together if you really want to discourage this.

Oh, and BTW, there were several people who were repeat/multiple offenders. So IMO it is worthwhile to make a point of being unhappy with being touched, as those you see you often will inevitably do it again if not discouraged.

I work with a bunch of birth educators, but I have no idea if this issue comes up in their classes. I will ask this too.

54

[QUOTE=overlyverbose]
Yeah, I think that some places are also starting to have entry requirements to pre-schools over and above things like being able to eat by yourself, age and ability to walk and follow simple directions. Some places require that children already know their ABCs or can read or some such. I’ve read and heard that some kids as early as 3 or so are already being tutored to make entrance requirements into pre-schools. Isn’t that batshit crazy?
[/QUOTE]

Just wanted to pop in and say that, as silly as it may seem, choosing a good pre-school really is important. Speaking as someone who has worked in two very different pre-schools, there can be quite marked differences in quality that have a lasting impact on children. Everyone knows how much of an impact parents have on their children. And children are most impressionable when they are very young. Since pre-schools often spend as much or more time with the kids than Mommy or Daddy…well, it just adds up. The way a pre-school disciplines children, the kind of attention those kids get, etc., really is important.

Naturally, the best pre-schools want the the little ones who are the best-behaved. Selecting based on academic merit is admittedly a little silly. But choosing a good pre-school really is important, and shouldn’t just be brushed aside. It is not a less important decision just because it comes so early in life–if anything it is more important for that very reason.

Which isn’t to say one should worry about it during pregnancy. That is crazy.

55

[QUOTE=Bobotheoptimist]
If you are ever on the verge of fatherhood be prepared for the opposite. You’ll be sitting there minding your own business, when your hand will be yanked with enough force to nearly dislocate your shoulder, from wherever you might have placed it, and pressed upon her stomach. Then she’ll stare at you until you say “I felt it”. If you do not say this you’ll never get your hand back.
“It”, I finally figured out, is not a muscle spasm or gas but the baby kicking or punching or something. A tender and loving moment that she knew you wouldn’t understand and her mother was right about you all along <sniff> <puke>.

:smiley:
[/QUOTE]

Meanie!

56

[QUOTE=badkittypriestess]
Meanie!
[/QUOTE]
Just a bit of a surprise the first time is all.

57

[QUOTE=Bobotheoptimist]
Just a bit of a surprise the first time is all.
[/QUOTE]

pppllllbbbttttt! :smiley:

58

[QUOTE=Marley23]
I can only imagine how terrifying those words would sound in German.
[/QUOTE]

Hmmm,
Wenn Sie mich wieder berühren, Ich werde diese Ananas schieben inIhren arsch seitwärts.

I think=) I have only had one semester of german so I suck at it so far.

59

[QUOTE=tdn]
It’s polite to ask first, but we’re really not talking about polite. Next time someone touches you without asking, touch her back. Tit, stomach, face, whatever. Open hand or closed fist is up to you.
[/QUOTE]

Ok, now I’m off to scour youtube. Surely someone has done this and taken video of it. The best would be to have the events in sequence. Some strange lady goes up to a gravid woman and rubs her belly while cooing, the pregnant woman reaches out and rubs the other woman’s tits while cooing. Strange lady walks away offended. Some fat guy walks up and rubs pregnant belly while cooing, pregnant lady rubs fat belly and coos. Strange lady number two comes up and rubs belly while cooing, pregnant lady punches her in the face. It’s youtube gold, and I’m sure there’s something like it out there.

Enjoy,
Steven

60

[QUOTE=Mouse_Maven]
didn’t have a tutor for the SATs.
[/QUOTE]

I didn’t even *TAKE * the SATs. How soon did you say your baby was walking again? :wink: