I’m in a quandry. Mr. K and I decided we would rather donate to charities than exchange gifts this year. We’ve already purchased gifts for others so we’re going to do the traditional exchange with family this year. I’m planning to send thank you notes to everyone after the holiday. In that note I want to tell them that, as appreciative as we are for the gifts, we would like them to donate to charities in our name next year – we’d really like to end the cycle of needless spending and put that money toward a more meaningful cause.
I really don’t want to be presumptuous regarding gifts, but it is a given that, barring some horrible financial disaster, we would be exchanging again next year. Will we suck to make this request?
The harder question: Is it ok to give a donation in someone else’s name if they haven’t asked you to? If they would rather get a set of Santa dishtowels or some other gift, can you say, “No, I’d rather do _____.”?
If they all decide they’d rather get gifts, would it be best to bow out altogether and just do our donation gifts to each other?
If all goes well, we’d like to get everyone on board and decide on a charity that would receive a “family” donation. Is it pushy to suggest this?
We really don’t want to come off as Scrooges, but there is no one in the family that’s in need of anything; in fact, some family members are very comfortable and do not even want for anything. Thanks for your input.
Etiquette-wise, you don’t get to pick the gifts that someone else gives you, no matter how worthy the cause. In fact, I don’t think you’re supposed to mention gifts at all.
Just suggestions, b/c I’m no etiquette maven or anything -
Wait until next year to discuss next year’s giving plans. A million things can happen between now and then - and people are unlikely to remember a request made 11 months in advance.
Suggest an alternative gift-giving ceremony, like the White Elephant Handoff that so many people do these days (we had a blast, and everyone wound up with something they liked). There’s something fun about wrapping and opening presents.
I think a family donation could be a wonderful idea, but that assumes you’re all of the same political stripe. Maybe keep the amount modest, so that if people want to do something else on their own, they won’t feel all of their spending has been dictated by the group?
In this case, they always ask us what we want (they always tell us what they want, too…but that’s another etiquette issue). Always. There are rarely surprises with regard to gift-giving. They are very “Christmas” oriented.
I agree that they won’t remember; we more or less wanted to plant the seed so next October, when they ask us what we want, we’ll remind them.
I’d love to do a White Elephant with them. It’s a great idea. These people have so much “stuff.” They’re always giving stuff to each other once they no longer want or need it.
I was thinking of everyone putting a charity in a hat and we’d choose one each year, or rotate the “choice” each year. Or maybe picking a couple…
If they ask you, tell them then. “Oh, really, we have just everything we could want! But, you know, hubby and I did donations for one another last year, and that felt really good. We’re going to do the same this year. I’ve picked XYZ because they do ABC. It would make me feel wonderful if you chose to give them a gift donation in my name.”
Then it’s up to them. They’ll do it or they won’t. But if they don’t, accept their gift with gratitude and love, because they get to decide what to give you, even if they want ideas from you.
If they don’t ask you what you want, then there’s no polite way to suggest it. At all. The most you can do is mention how much you enjoy it when your husband gives you the gift of donating in your name and hope they get the hint.