Ash kept his back to the wall as he pulled Alexandra close; she liked this because it made her feel safe, not pinned. He crooked a finger beneath her chin to gently tilt her face upwards, a move he’d practiced the night before
No, that makes him sound too slick, and almost as if he’s doing this for the sake of it, not because he cares about her.
a move he’d practiced the night before and almost dismissed as pretentious
Okay. But now I have to show that it works for her…and it’s hard to wedge that in if I’m devoting so much of the sentence to him.
She felt the world fall away as he
WHONNNNNNNNNNNNK!!! Snort, snort…WKKKKKKKK!
Grrrrrrrr! Deep breath, deep breath…Where was I. Okay, I don’t want two verb clauses beginning with “as”; one of them has to go.
Ash leaned back against the wall and pulled Alexandra close; she liked this because it made her feel safe, not pinned.
I should have her think something when he touches her chin. Or make it clear that she can’t think, as such. In real life, she’d probably make a soft “ahhhh” sound. but I don’t want to say “she moaned softly” or “she sighed”; not at this stage of the game. This is not a Harlequin romance.
Her heart softened, like a Hershey’s Miniature left in the sun
Very cute. Except a minute ago, I was doing “romantic”, not “cute”. God damn you and your sinuses…
as he gently crooked a finger beneath her chin
Waitaminut…It’s not necessary for her to look up; I made this big point in the last chapter that they are exactly the same height. Maybe she touches him, like tracing his jawline
Ash leaned back against the wall and pulled Alexandra close; she liked this because it made her feel safe, not pinned. Gently, she put one hand up to his face
I’ve lost it; I’ve completely lost it. I wanted to work up to her shivering at the feel of the sharp edges of his teeth, but now I can’t even get out of this sentence. Fuck it.
Oh, I know Mr. Rilch is not a mind reader. I also know he has sinus problems. But crimeny crumbcake, this is the worst timing I have experienced in a long, long time.
He says I shouldn’t be so easily distracted. And most of the time, I’m not. I have to put up with a lot of noise from TV and video games, and I can usually overcome it. But this time, I wasn’t just writing a scene, I was writing a mood. I had to carry it very very gingerly, like a raw egg. Along came Captain Honker, and SPLAT went the egg.