Might I offer as some small consolation, the first piece of writing I ever get paid for way back in October of 1981.
A Funny Thing Happened : Trick or Treat
by Patrick Malone
I live in an apartment complex which does not cater to children. Quite frankly, I like it that way. I love children, but I work the graveyard shift, and being able to sleep during the day without hearing their squeals and yells delights me to no end.
Living in a place where there is a dearth of the domestic, I naturally assumed that I would not have to stock up on goodies to feed flocks of trick-or-treaters. Any child, I reasoned, would be crazy to try his or her mettle in an area which looked like the Pied Piper had just swept through. Just in case, though, I went out and bought two candy bars and prepared to win them over with my dry wit and ready banter should more than a pair show up.
Nine o’clock arrived and no one came, so I decided to call it a night, finished off the two candy bars, and began to get ready for work. At 9:05 I heard a knock on the door. I instantly took charge of the situation. I panicked. My dry wit and ready banter hid under the bed. I went to answer the door and there they stood - two michievious imps - on in a Darth Vader constume and the other in a monster disguise that vaguly resembled a frog who had taken too much Tylenol.
I tried to sum up my situation as best as I could. I could either refuse them and pay for the possible damage done to my door. Or I could try to dredge up something to give them. Checking my refrigerator, I found it not too well stocked. The only things in it were two empty candy bar wrappers and a bowl of lime jello. So, I did the only thing I could do. I gave them each a spoonful of lime jello - plop in the bottom of their bags - and sent them on their way.
Now don’t get me wrong. Jello is not my idea of the best Halloween treat in the world. But it was infinitely preferable to the only other thing I had in the house - orange juice. The thought of toting around soggy candy in a bag dripping with orange juice is not one which commands respect among children anywhere.
The thought of what their parents might think when they looked into their children’s bag and saw a big green blob of jello on top of a mountain of candy was one which gave me pause for a while. This curiosity did not cause me to lose too much sleep, however. When I stepped out of the door on my way to go to work, I was greeted by one large blob of jello on my welcome mat.
I did not find it as much as it found me. To those of you who have never had the experience of stepping on jello, it is slippery, and I soon found myself lying flat on my back in the hallway. At that moment, my neighbor opened her door. She had never really trusted me, and seeing me flat on my back in a floor full of lime jello did not give her much reason to want to. At the time I couldn’t see much humor in the situation. So, I sheepishly got up, brushed the jello off my suit, and walked off without saying a word. What else could I do?
That was two years ago. Last year, I decided things would be different - so I stocked up with candy. My refrigerator was so stuffed I even had to put a couple of bags of candy in the freezer. Nobody showed up.
If those kids who had knocked on my door two years ago had come back again, I would have gladly made up for the disaster. I would have happily filled their bags to overflowing and would have given them more bags to boot. As a result, I gained fifty pounds from having to eat a refrigerator full of candy by myself.
If they show up this year, they’re going to get it!
