First of all, “long-time listener, first time caller,” yadda-yadda-yadda. Been lurking around the SDMB on and off since the AOL days. Never signed up due to lack of anything interesting to contribute and free time to contribute it in. Nonetheless, any time there’s a big world event, or I read a book/see a movie/watch a TV show that I want to see some opinions about, I always head to the Dope to see what you all think. So thanks for that.
So, at the risk of committing a faux pas by posting a lengthy personal problem as my first post here… Here’s my lengthy personal problem. I could use some words of wisdom from any willing Dopers.
Crawling up towards my 30th birthday, I’m feeling like my childhood is at an end. Time to put away childish things and all that. I’m taking stock of my life as an adult, and finding it lacking.
I have so many regrets of things that I didn’t do or things that I’m not doing now. I was a poor student in High School. I didn’t do much better in college, and eventually dropped out. I’m working a job I could have handled directly out of high school ten years ago (call center customer service). I call myself a writer but honestly have finished embarassingly few projects. I’m about a hundred pounds overweight.
It all boils down to this; I am freaking lazy. My whole life, I’ve underachieved because I just can’t muster the motivation to do anything with myself. I have so many things I want to do that I find exciting. I have a half-dozen creative projects on the back burner that I think are awesome. Yes! I want to find a better-paying, more challenging, closer-to-home job. Great! I want to get on the exercise bike and start shrinking my fat ass. Cool! Wanna go play some video games instead? Yes I do!
I am supremely happy in my love life, married for three years to my partner of over ten. I have great friends that I care about and who care about me. Mrs Durden and I moved to Los Angeles a year ago and we freaking love it here. So many things to be happy about, but I find this inability to better myself and do the things I want to do with my life extremely depressing, and it really drags me down.
How do I break this life-long habit? All the years that my parents tried positive and negitive reinforcement to get me to study and do my homework were fruitless. My (increasingly frustrated) wife has tried much the same. I’ve done lists and GTD and all the “productivity hacks” that you can think of.
Pick something, anything. A class you’d like to take (guitar? pottery? cooking?) or something you’d like to do (start running?) or a certification you’d like to get or something. Just one thing. Tell everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, that you’re doing it. Then go out and accomplish it. Just don’t let yourself not do it. I mean, that’s the only way to get things done, you know?
I really suggest starting running with the Couch to 5K program because 1) you’ll lose some weight probably, 2) there’s a big thread here on the SDMB to keep you motivated and accountable, and 3) when you’re done you run a 5K, which is a real accomplishment you can be proud of.
I’ve never had a huge problem with being lazy because a lot of the stuff I’ve done in life puts me in a position where other people depend on me. My business only has 3 people working here, so I am needed. When I was playing in bands, I needed to be there to play my part. When I was on a bowling team I needed to be there or we’d forefit.
Stuff I do for myself? Yeah, that goes by the wayside eventually. Especially weight loss, because it’s a thing I gotta do for myself. Although I did do best with that when I was part of a weight loss community (no sorry I am too smart to join the weight loss threads hehehe)
What I’m saying, tho, is perhaps you need to see how your wife feels about some of the things you do and use her feelings as a motivator.
Would it really make her happy if you got a job closer to home? Would it make her happy if you could exercise together? Would she like to work on one of the creative projects with you? How about a friend?
If you involve others in your tasks, then you might be motivated not to let them down, and it will help you complete your goals.
Although, some people just are not the type of people who like to please others. So if you’re not that type, it may not work for you…
Find out what you can do to make yourself do whatever it is you want to do, and use that power unmercifully.
Example: I have the same problem, and the only solution I’ve found is to get rid of all my preferred distractions. Hide the laptop where it’s a pain in the ass to get to, same with all the books I’m reading/really want to read soon. Then when I’m looking for something to do, the only thing at hand will be something I want to get done that I otherwise wouldn’t. Also, I make a list of all the things I want/need to get done and leave it where I’ll find it first thing in the morning, when I’m dressed/cleaned/fed and ready to work, because I just won’t think of them otherwise, especially when I’ve got my distractions.
If you can’t make yourself do it, tell your wife what all of your downfalls are and what to do about it, and have her do it for you.
Ooh - one other one. Find some way that doing the project/work creates an obligation you have to fulfill to someone outside of your circle of friends/family. Very motivating. Example: want yourself to exercise? Pay good money joining a club and then arrange to work out with someone you don’t know very well who carpools with you. Then you *have *to go, and there’d be nothing better to do there than exercise.
One idea is to remove yourself completely from your current reality. Go on retreat, walkabout. Find the kick in head. Spent a week at a fitness camp for adults or something like Outward bound. Spend two weeks volunteering with the poor in Central America.
Have a plan for reentry that works. i.e. if you spent two weeks volunteering in Central America, have a commitment to continue to volunteer in your own community when you get back. If you spent time in boot camp, come back to a running and diet that you can maintain.
My name is shiftless and I am a shiftless layabout too (hence the name). In the future, laziness will be classed as an illness and we will be able to get proper treatment so we can be like those people who always have so much motivation and energy. For now we just have to cope the best we can and hope that others can understand that we aren’t this way on purpose. Some people will claim that we aren’t really sick, we are just lazy. I say exactly, that’s the point!
Anyway, I’ve managed to get to a ripe old age in my laziness; you are still young. Here are some suggestions:
Do you smoke dope or drink? Nothing wrong with that, but you may want to try quitting. They sap motivation.
Same thing with the video games. Don’t just swear to turn them off, sell the damned thing.
Take a chance. Sounds like you took a chance when you moved to LA and that worked out well. When you are lazy it often seems like too much work to go out on a limb. Take one of Dangerosa’s fine suggestions.
Set a goal and tell everyone about it. You will be much more motivated if you know everyone is expecting it than if it is just something you tell yourself. Yes, that’s scary telling everyone you are going to lose 50 pounds and/or finish a project. Take the chance. And give your wife permission to nag on this one thing.
Create good habits. I go to the gym almost every day because it’s convenient (in my building)and because I’ve made it a habit. I never forget my gym bag or just skip it because that is what I do at that time, every day, (almost) without fail. It’s so ingrained now I don’t know what I would do during lunch if I didn’t go to the gym. People don’t invite me to eat with them (that’s a good thing), because I always refuse. Maybe not for you, but pick a thing and create a good habit around it.
Good luck. The lazy life is a tough row to hoe. Remember that you aren’t a bum; you’ve got a job and a loving wife. That’s a good place to start.
If possible (I don’t totally know your money situation) find something that you want, will take you a while to save up for and get, and make that a giant friggin reward to do something.
I’m not talking about a new camera, or a new lawn mower; I’m saying a new car, a new motorcycle or something almost ridiculous and make that your goal.
It’s something cool that you want so you won’t regret having it, it’s something that you will have to work for so you will definitely overcome the laziness with it, and the time it takes to save up the money will make the carrot that much more sweet.
The reason I shot for things so high is that any smaller and you will find ways to cheat yourself out of it, if it is something so huge you will make it work and you will work harder at it.
It sounds like you’ve tried a lot of books, but here’s one more. Stephen Covey’s First Things First. One thing that’s different from GTD (I think, I’ve only skimmed GTD) is the emphasis on setting your priorities. Do you really want to exercise more and/or lose weight? Or is it just something you feel you should do? Do you really want a more challenging job, or do you just feel like you should have one? Once you know what you really want to do, techniques like GTD can help you get there. A goal can be about pleasing another person, if pleasing that person means a lot to you, but just general feeling that you should do better in some areas isn’t really a goal. Getting clear on what exactly you, personally, want to do more of is the first step in doing more of it.
From your post, it sounds like you might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. “I am lazy, therefore, I laze.”
I empathize with you, as a child I was always told I was lazy. If I got straight A’s in school, it should have been better! My room was clean, but it could have been cleaner! So on and so forth…
Perhaps you need to work on your negative self-image. Set one goal per day, even a small one; and accomplish it. It could be something insignificant, like putting the seat down on the toilet everytime you use it. Your wife will appreciate it, I presume. And you will have accomplished something.
You like to call yourself a writer? Set up a blog, and force yourself to post every single day. Even if it’s a laundry list, make yourself post. Writing will become a habit with repetition. Be consistant with the little things, and larger things will follow.
Do you by any chance have a fair bit of free time? It’s a total motivation killer for me. I’m not lazy, per se, because I’ll bust ass once I get started on something. I’m just a world-class procrastinator, and the more time I have to get something done, the more time I spend sitting on my avoiding doing it. Being really busy and having hard external deadlines to get things done in makes me much more productive–there’s no time to waste, so I don’t.
Thanks, everyone, for your kind responses and advice. Wasn’t sure what sort of responses I’d have, and you all have been great.
I realize I’m also being a somewhat ungracious OP, in the fact that I should have added:
“If you have similar difficulty, please share your own tales of woe and let’s seek some advice together!”
I’ve given this a go with mixed results in the past. I think I’m a sort of strange mix of ashamed and completely shameless about this problem of mine. At times it eats me up inside that I’m wasting my life away, and at times it’s like <shrug, cute smile> *That’s lazy ol’ me! * So peer pressure is not always effective. Still, maybe it’s time to try again.
Bingo, here’s why I posted this in the first place. On one hand, she doesn’t want me to do anything that I don’t want to do; I’m fine the way I am. But on the other hand, she can see that I’m really unhappy and she’s getting frustrated over constantly trying to help and failing to do so. It definitely motivates me to WANT do do these things, but so far it doesn’t motivate me to ACTUALLY DO these things. Not sure what that says about me.
Of the things on my Not-Doing List, it’s probably my failure to have a creative life that’s bothering me the most. I think you’ve touched on what I already know- gotta get the hell out of the house and away from internet, video games, chatting with our roommate, etc, if I’m ever gonna write something. I’ll try it this weekend and report back.
I’d love to. Don’t know that this will be the most financially viable option, unfortunately.
I’ve wondered for a long time if some/all of this comes from ADD, or depression, or anxiety disorder. I’ve balked at actually going to the dr about it, maybe afraid that there’s something wrong with me, maybe afraid that there isn’t. I think mostly embarrassed to admit to friends/family/wife that I might need help. I know none of that makes any logical sense, but there you go.
shiftless, much thanks for your comments. Like I said above, my biggest fear over all of this is that there’s nothing actually wrong with me, I’m just choosing to waste my life away. Very glad to hear the perspective of someone else who suffers the same… affliction? Anyway, also a lot of good things to consider in your comments. I think part of my failure is I’m treating this problem the way people unsuccessfully try to lose weight. I’m looking for a crash-diet, but what I really need is a lifestyle-change, like your suggestions indicate.
This may fall under the same would-like-to-but-can’t category as the walkabout. But something to mull over. Thanks!
This sounds very interesting, thank you. I’ll pick up a copy. I’d never thought to examine my motivations. Maybe if I can eliminate the "I should"s from the "I want"s, it’ll put me on the right path.
I didn’t want to whip out my daddy issues on post number one, but I certainly have some of this as well. I’ve considered therapy, but I’m hesitant to do more than consider it for the same reasons that I’ve yet to be tested for ADD/depression/anxiety. Just finds like looking for an easy out rather than finding a way to handle the problem myself. A hypochondriac looking for a disease to cure. If that makes any sense.
I do have a fair bit of free time. No kids, no real responsibilities outside of my 9-to-5 (which really turns into a 7-to-6 with the commute, but that’s no real excuse). Yet I somehow manage to tell myself that I don’t have any time. “Whew, by the time I cook, eat dinner, clean up, and chat a bit with the wife, it’ll only be a few hours till its time to go to bed! I guess I’ll start on that project tomorrow when I have more time.” But… a few hours are a few hours, ya know? Total rationalization. Maybe Mrs Durden needs to over-schedule me like the soccer mom I know she wants to be. Thanks for the advice.
I read an article a few months ago about motivation, and it helped me a lot. I wish I could remember what magazine it was in. Basically, it summarized different personality types and what motivates them.
From the article, I learned that I am motivated by people. It’s important for me to have a mentor or role model to look up to. I also need people to hold me accountable - my advisor at work, my husband and friends for things like exercising.
Some people, though, don’t like the peer pressure and finds that turns them off their goals. They might be more motivated by material objects (e.g. buy a nice new necklace when you’ve finished a smaller goal, buy a nice car when you’ve accomplished a really big goal). For me, objects mean nothing, so this wouldn’t work for me, but it might for you.
Yet another personality type was the person who is motivated by grander ideas, like giving back to society. For those people, journaling when they’re unmotivated can help them rediscover their goals.
There were also two personality types based on scheduling. There are people who do best by having a schedule, a routine that they can stick to. Then there are people who hate schedules because they feel restrictive. I’m the second type, and what works for me is to have a varied plan. For example, say my goal is to exercise. I hate going to the gym, and I would hate it even more if I went every day. So instead I have a varied schedule of exercise, where I just do what I feel like doing. I walk a lot, I go jogging occasionally, I go to a yoga class about once a week, sometimes I play volleyball with my friends. The key, if you’re this type of person, is to have a back-up plan. If my plan is to go jogging today but I run out of time, I might plan to lift weights at home instead, since that only takes about 10 minutes to do a few sets, plus a few minutes for stretching afterward.
Obviously I’m remembering more about the personality types similar to my own, but anyway, I hope all of that is useful in some way!
You’re thinking about this the wrong way. If you’re truly a lazy person, a diagnosis of this nature is absolutely your best possible outcome. You can either (a) go on a diet, start regular exercise, give up video games, and basically change your entire lifestyle, or (b) take a pill. I know which one I’d choose.
In any case, get yourself screened for depression and ADD. If they’re not there, then you can cross them off the list. If they are there, then everything else you do to try to improve yourself will continue to be harder than it has to be, until you get treated.
Are you my husband? He has the same proclivities. The simplest solution he’s found so far is to turn off the TV and video game console. He limits himself to one show he really likes each day or a half hour of video games - he even sets a timer - then turns it off. It’s incredible how much he gets done when those distractions are unavailable. (Plus, if he plays video games or watches TV all the time, we stop having sex and talking much because he gets so hypnotized; it’s amazing what lots of sex can do for your figure.)
Anyway, I’d recommend starting simple and telling your wife about it to get her support. My husband and I sat down together and talked it out because he was miserable with the way his life was going, but didn’t have the discipline to turn off the TV. Since I’m not much of a TV watcher, I had no problem pitching in there. After a while, he got to the point where turning off the TV wasn’t a problem anymore, then started making other changes, too. He’s not completely satisfied, but he’s much happier than he was earlier.
It doesn’t have to be expensive - you have vacation time, right? You can go camping - alone - backpack in somewhere. Borrow the gear. A long weekend may be enough. An international charity that helps the poor might be more harder timewise, but might have grant money to get you there. For that matter, volunteering with the food shelf or a soup kitchen takes only a little time - and almost no money (gas in the car).
Frankly, you are looking for excuses not to instead of ways to - which is why you are a shiftless layabout.
