Good luck with that. My experience with our daughter, who is now 5 and potty trained shortly after 2, is that the pull-ups were a crutch. If she had the pull ups on, then she would go in them. She was normally good in the underwear all day, but we were unsure if she could go all night without the pull-up. We decided that we would wait until she woke up dry before we would try and get rid of the pull up. It took a few weeks before we realized that she was waking up dry and needing to go to the bathroom, and so she would just go in the pull up because that was easier than getting out of bed and go to the bathroom. So we took the pull up away at night and when she woke up, she would head straight to the bath room because she didn’t want to wet the panties.
I would say, no, not too soon. Kid’s understand a great deal of communication from you way before they react to it or respond back in kind.
One of the best pieces of parenting advice I received was from my son’s peditrician about 16 years ago. The doc had been practicing for about 30 years at that time. He said that over the years of practicing and treating kids from infancy to adulthood, the two times in a human being’s life when they are the most selfish is during the toddler stage and when they are teenagers. The relationship that a parent establishes with their kid’s when they are toddlers will repeat itself when they are teenagers. So if you let your toddler talk back to you, give them everything they want to just pacify them, etc. then likely the parents will repeat that when their kids are teenagers. He had numerous examples of patients both bad and good to support his hypothesis.
As with a lot of advice, what works with one child does not work with another. With my first child, all I had to do was tell her not to do something or I would be angry, or sad, or whatever. The second child’s attitude was pretty much, "Oh yeah? Too bad for you, then. " If a reason was explained, she wanted to test that out, too. It’ll break? Really? Let’s see. It doesn’t belong to me? Well, after I take it, it will. "
The funny thing is this daughter is now a mother, and her 2 1/2 year-old is testing every single rule twice over. She has a special Puppy that is her bedtime companion. The other day she hid it inside her play oven. At bedtime daddy couldn’t find it. “No Puppy, no bed, Daddy!”
One thing I learned with my son is that they are very literal.
Don’t play with matches doesn’t include lighters, candles, bonfires and stoves.
Don’t drink milk in the living room doesn’t include kool-aid or juice.
Don’t pull the dogs tail doesn’t include pulling the dogs ears or the cats tail.
I was really surprised one day when I had to take my son to work with me and I reminded him to be good. When I asked if he knew what that meant he came back with a looooong list of things not to do. No wonder kids forget. It wasn’t until he was older that he could group things together as don’t play with fire, don’t drink in the living room, don’t hurt the animals.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. A few days of eating only cheerios and apple juice is not going to hurt most kids. Most kids go through phases of eating only certain foods, wearing only certain colors, only eating off certain dishes. The bigger deal you make of it the longer the phase will last, because you just turned it into a battle of wills.
Pick your battles. Pulling away from you and running across a crowded parking lot is not okay. Wearing an orange sweater with a green skirt and red and white striped tights to preschool isn’t going to hurt anyone. Is it really worth the tears and starting the day on a bad note? Sometimes you just gotta grit your teeth, smile and say ‘Yes’.
Two outings today and no accidents. She didn’t have to go while we were out, but still, no accidents.
Next challenge, dinner.
This exactly.
My sister gave me some great advice for how to deal with babies when they start to crawl or walk. If they touch something which you don’t want them to, then say “No” or making a buzzing sound or something, while picking the kid up and moving them into another room. My sister did that with just the cat food.
So, I did it with our oven/microwave, since it’s mounted in an enticing side height.
With Beta-chan, it worked perfectly. The first couple of times, she didn’t get it, but on the third, she burst out crying and that was the end of touching it.
With Didi, he could be transported a zillion times and it would never phase him. He’s very much into seeing if the rules get applied this time as well. He does learn, though. Beta-chan was a lot quicker to follow rules, but she gives up in other areas as well. Didi tests our rules more often, but is also more persistent in other things.
One thing which is really helping me is to not think of them challenging us as parents, but as going through the necessary development stages. Didi is going through the terrible twos, in terms that he’s learning how to say no. I’ll agree with him. When he makes a fuss of when I’m putting on his pants, and I’ll just have a dialog: "Didi says ‘No.,’ Didi says ‘No., no pants.’ Daddy says ‘yes,’ Daddy says ‘yes, let’s wear pants.’ "
I don’t know if it’s the distraction which works or that I’m giving him a voice, but it usually makes the changing go much quicker, and keeps his crying down.
This is a really good point and becomes really important from the time you first have to start disciplining them. My husband and I have very different thresholds for what’s acceptable and what isn’t. I don’t let the kids stomp all over me, but I try hard to pick my battles. Most things just aren’t worth me getting upset about. For my husband, every battle is worth fighting.
It’s important that you figure out what’s worth disciplining for and what isn’t as early as possible (and as often as possible as they get older and you have to discipline for different things).
My son is the greatest kid in the world. 
(Couldn’t resist.)
He’s seven. I keep telling him not to turn eight but he’s not listening to me. He’s about to start second grade. I think I’m too hard on him sometimes - I really push him at certain things - and I worry he’s too sensitive for it. I’m not really a Tiger Mom but I can be. I probably tell him too much about my life because he’s an only child and I’m a single mom, but he’s a caring, kind, smart and funny kid and will make an excellent boyfriend/spouse someday.
Sometimes I think I’d have another if I fell in love and was up for it, but really, he’s the best kid in the world. Easy baby, easy toddler, responsible seven-year old who does the dishes and flosses his teeth. He’s my babysitter’s dream child. It’s not me - it isn’t my parenting at all. I just have a good-natured child and I’ve never had to co-parent. I let him sleep in my bed (still, yeah, I know, blahblah), wear costumes to the movie theatre and I swear around him. Other kids…other people’s kids…hell, I’d be smacking the shit out of them, I think.
I’m a great teacher but a good parent? Eh.
Things I’ve learned that haven’t been mentioned yet:
- Don’t worry so much about getting the right photo that you aren’t paying attention to the event.
- If you say you’re going to do something, do it.
- It gets easier as they get older, but they get older. And when they’re gone, they’re gone.
edited to add: Education. I put him in the best school I could and encourage him to try new things, but I try to not to panic when he doesn’t catch on something right away (like reading). I just enforce homework (which I’m actually against but I don’t make the school rules) and behaving.
I definitely did that when my son was stealing food from the fridge or cupboard. He’d dig in to a cake I made or something. I emphasized that he was being a thief. He was going after the sweets, but I really wanted to drive home the “don’t take what isn’t yours” more than padlocking the fridge. I really like it that I can have a bowl of candy on the counter and I know it’s not getting swiped. Other parents say, “Don’t give them the opportunity!” I think kids shouldn’t have access to dangerous things but should also be able to show restraint around a candy bowl!
Something I’ve been pondering over the past couple of weeks: I have a 2 1/2 year old who’s pretty small for her age, and doll-like; she gets a lot of cooing over from people, particularly her father. She’s just starting to gain awareness of the effect her looks have on people, and I’m starting to get her say things like “Look at my smile Mummy”, and her trying on a cute wheedling look (encouraged by her father) to which I respond “That doesn’t work on me” and he says “It does on me!”. There’s a small element of good/cop bad cop developing too, which I don’t like.
I’d like her self esteem to be based on what she does - trying hard, thinking interesting thoughts etc, and this focus on her looks is making me uncomfortable. But, I recognise that this reflects the way we were each raised (I was praised for my brains, my partner for his looks) and we each have confidence in different aspects of ourselves. I’d love for her to feel as confident in her appearance as he does, as I know I know I lack this. But she seems to be trying to use her looks to manipulate us a little. Is this a stage, should I accept that he’s 50% of the parenting team and allow his angle, or am I right to be worried that this is a key step in self esteem which we need to approach cautiously? Any reading suggestions would be good too, as they allow me to approach the subject with Boy From Mars without it seeming to be criticising his parenting style (which I know is completely unconsidered, he’s not thinking at all about any long term effects of anything he says to her at the moment).
Yes, this is something which I also try to do, and my wife frequently compliments my daughter on how she looks. The funny thing is that my wife is really smart.
Of course, it gets balanced out because I’ll do kid aerobatics, and the kids know to look around to see who’s looking, which drives my wife nuts.
Maybe it will balance out?
On the looks vs. brains: My mom tried very hard to emphasize that it is what you DO that is important, not how you look. This has its drawbacks. I remember being in grammar school and asking her if I was pretty. She hesitated, then responded that being pretty was not important. I took that to mean that no, I was definitely NOT attractive, even to my mother. As an adult, I look back objectively at photos of myself at the time, and realize I was a reasonably cute little kid, no movie star, but certainly not the ugly person I believed myself to be.
When my daughters asked the same question, I told them yes, you certainly are pretty, but that’s not the most important thing about you.
Are parents generally objective about their kids’ looks?
ETA Sorry, I just realized this question is irrelevant to the thread topic. I was just curious. 
Hazel–yes, parents are objective. My little girl is objectively the cutest little girl there has ever been.
About little girls and looks… DO tell her she’s pretty, she needs to hear it whether you like it or not. Be quick to praise her for other attributes too, though.
Ha! I love this. My daughter’s reaction to me making a big thing about being angry, or sad in order to discourage her behavior seems to be … “Poor mama, you need to relax more and not get so worked up about things.” She seems sympathetic, but not so much that it’s changing her behavior!
My kids are both grown, so I know how it turned out. One of them thanked us for not coddling her too much, and for having high expectations. Of course she had high expectations for herself.
Kids can deal with frustration very well. Letting the older one cry when she woke in the middle of the night was very hard, but it worked. The younger one never had that problem, but it might have been that crying didn’t bother us at that point.
But the biggest thing, and this kicks in when the kids are a bit older than the ones mentioned here, is to follow your kids’ lead. Give them a chance to take music lessons, and make them practice to start with, but be able to distinguish not liking doing it from being lazy. Not every kid will be a concert pianist. And let them take safe risks. Our younger one did show jumping, and while she is never going to make it to the Olympics, it did wonders for her confidence. Your kids are not you, and letting them be themselves can broaden your horizons also.
One interesting thing I read was from an anthropologist who wrote about how kids are raised in tribes. The kids are given work to do from when they are three to four years old. They do the chores as they play, and don’t spend all their time on them, but they do do them.
His theory is that it’s better to get kids to start helping when they are about that age, rather than wait until they are seven or eight. He says that the younger kids are still very much into trying to get parents’ approval, and it’s easier to start them in this habit.
With Beta-chan, I started a couple of months ago. We do small things, like sweep the floors together. She helps cook, and the other day she wanted to wash the dishes. I’m not having her do everything all day, but try to get something in every day. We let her put a Helper Sticker on the calendar after she help.
At day care, they are pretty good at having the kids do much of their own things so she get a fair amount there.
I think it may be good to start to have her do a set routine as well.
Any thoughts?
I’ve got a bunch of kids, ranging from a 16-year-old to a 20-month-old. This thread looks like one I’d like to be a part of.
Here’s a suggestion that I have found works well when trying to get kids to share a toy when one is in possession (90% of the law!) and the other wants it. Don’t tell the one in possession, “You must give the other a turn.” Instead ask, “How many more minutes until it’s the other’s turn?” Usually the child in possession will give a number rather than argue against the sharing overall. If the number quoted is too high, negotiate down to something reasonable.
More often than not, the result is that the toy is handed over sooner than the chosen deadline (as the child doesn’t really tell time anyway) with no resistance. If there is resistance, use the same tactic on the other to ensure that the first one will get it back after a reasonable amount of time, that usually helps.
delphica, I don’t think that 17 months is too soon to introduce “no, don’t touch.” But it’s better with positive re-enforcement than negative - forbidden fruit, you know. Real-life recent example: My family rents a bungalow during the summer, and there’s a gate that bars access to the nearby road, but careless people can leave the gate open. My 20-month-old, upon our arrival this summer, discovered the gate, and ran toward it, which we needed to discourage. We did tell him “no” but we also told him that if he turns around, we’d make “hooray” for him. Sure enough, he turned around, and he got his cheers. Enough repetition of this, and he pretty reliably stays away from the gate (mind you, we don’t TRUST him, we DO watch that he doesn’t get all the way there, but so far, so good).
My 8-year-old daughter clears the table at dinner, and my 4-year-old sets the table. The 4-year-old is a lot happier about his chore than the 8-year-old, although some of that may be personality rather than age.
I’ll definitely sign on to the taking turns rather than sharing, and I like the way you phrase it, cmkeller. I’ll have to try that.
Both my kids have some sensory issues, and our house has been a much happier place since I started being understanding about those. It doesn’t mean I give in on everything, but being aware that being in a loud place might mean misbehavior and overload helps me as a parent. I just wish I could get the 4-year-old to use the goddamned potty. He’s fairly reliable on pee at this point, mostly because he inherited my ability to hold it for obscenely long times. But he’s still pooping in his underwear regularly, and he only poops 2 or 3 times a week. None of the standard potty advice has worked at all. We have him on the highest dose of Miralax that we can while retaining the ability to “hold it” for a few seconds, and we watch him like a hawk to see if he’s doing the “poop dance.” We still miss at least one a week. Advice will be welcomed, but may be poo-poohed (heh), because we’ve had a lot of advice at this point.
Sounds good. That’s exactly the advice we got about our picky daughter. Now, at 14 years old, I’m worried about her health. We should have clamped the fuck down, like my parents did and said, “this is for supper” instead of agreeing with the experts. Worst parenting advice I’ve ever received and I knew it at the time but capitulated.
Make your kids eat a varied diet and be firm from the very start; don’t listen to the experts who poo-poo the whole thing. My daughter is 14 and eats like a 3 year old vegetarian, except she doesn’t eat vegetables. It sucks.
Make (force!) the kid eat stuff she’s not thrilled about from the fucking start or be prepared to live with the very frustrating and embarrassing consequences.