I remember someone in another thread saying they didn’t because you can’t force an apology–it comes from within. (Sorry–don’t remember the poster or thread.)
I think an apology should be from the heart, as well. But…at the same time, isn’t (as the Slate writer points out) part of adult life learning to apologize even when you don’t mean it because it could be in your best interests?
I’m torn. It’s yet another reason why I know I’m not ready for kids!
We’ll make the kids apologize for hurting someone (generally one of their sisters). And it can’t just be a quick “Sorry” and run off. You have to face the person you hurt, and say “I’m sorry I smacked you with a Barbie/threw a shoe at your head/knocked you into the wall.” We’re trying to get them to think about what they actually did, and why causing pain to another person is a different type of disobedience than say tossing your dinner on the floor. I think that making them face up to the person they hurt teaches empathy a lot better than a lecture about why you shouldn’t hurt your sister (though they get the lecture too).
For everything else, like tossing your dinner on the floor, an apology won’t be required (though it’s often given), but they will be assisting in the cleanup as well as getting some other appropriate consequences.
It’s been my experience as a parent that if a child learns a good behavior the internal state often follows. Learning to say “I’m sorry” even if you don’t mean it helps you to learn how to mean it.
It’s a bit like smiling. Walking around with a pleasant expression on your face helps elevate your mood.
I think it’s a mistake to assume that there’s a one-way flow from emotions to behavior. Yes, our emotions affect our behavior, but just as often our behavior affects our emotions. Learning how to behave externally is the first step on the road toward learning how to master oneself internally.
To my mind, never making your kid apologize makes them think an apology is never required. For normal social interaction, apologies are often required. I’m all for reinforcing polite behavior. But I’m not a parent.
I think that might have been me, in the homophobic college student thread. I wrote:
I often go so far as to take the offender aside and say something like, “Saying “I’m sorry” lets our friends know we like them and will try to be more polite next time. If we don’t say “I’m sorry,” they might not want to play with us anymore. Do you want to say, “I’m sorry,” to your friend?”
But if the answer is no, it’s no. I don’t force it. But 9 times out of 10, they suddenly want to apologize and it’s real. The children will come to understand the consequences of their own actions and work out their own relationship.
One of the pitfalls with the forced I’m Sorry that I’ve seen is the kids who aren’t sorry, don’t care, but just want to get back to playing. So they shoot off a quick, “I’m sorry,” without at all considering the consequences of their actions or how anyone feels, without making it okay, and without changing their ways next time. “I’m sorry” becomes another “magic word” which automatically confers absolution. They carry that through life with them, and we see it in adults all the time - someone on a cell phone runs into you and spills their half-caf skinny latte on your jacket and reflexively apologizes and keeps walking. I’m not cool with that. I think it better to teach thoughtful apology as *part *of a process, but not the end goal. First you say “I’m sorry,” to signal awareness of your transgression, then you make retribution (give me $10 to get my coat cleaned, for example) and then you make sure your apology and penance has been accepted and *then *we’re back to neutral status and you can walk away! You don’t say, “I’m sorry,” walk away and then call me a bitch when I protest because “I *said *I was sorry, man!”
Ahh, that’s where it was. I was pretty sure it was you, WhyNot but I didn’t remember the thread.
Your reasoning sounds good. I agree, there are a lot of people for whom “I SAID I was sorry” is enough. There’s way more to the apology to that and I think your way helps the kid to see that.
My general philosophy is that when my child has wronged someone else, he (or she) has a responsibility to make it right. If that’s a verbal apology, so be it. It might also be giving a toy back, or giving someone a hug to help them feel better, or something along those lines. So for example, if Whatsit Jr. hits one of his playmates and takes his toy away, I’ll say, “Hey, not okay to hit. Is your friend okay?” This gives Whatsit Jr. the opportunity to make the apology on his own. Usually he does. If he doesn’t, I prompt him further: “Your friend looks hurt, and sad. What are you going to do to help him?” 99% of the time Whatsit Jr. will then apologize and also give the toy back or offer a hug or something. If no apology is still forthcoming, I’m not going to start yelling and demanding, “You apologize to that boy right now, god damn it!” or anything, but at that point playtime will be over, and I will make it clear to Whatsit Jr. that the reason we are going home/putting away the toy truck/whatever is that it is a consequence of his failure to apologize for bad behavior.
My friend doesn’t make her kids apologize and to be honest it is pretty irritating sometimes. When one of them takes a swipe at you because you won’t let them run with a butcher knife or whatever, I expect an apology. Maybe I’m just old fashioned.
Sure, I insist upon it, 100% of the time, without hesitation (provided the kid did something warranting an apology.) Same way I insist they say thank you for gifts, write thank you notes, RSVP to invitations, chew with their mouths closed, show respect to elders, and talk with inside voices, etc ad infinitum.
And as the parent, I consider myself perfectly capable of deciding - upon receipt of sufficient information - whether an apology is or is not required. In fact, I might think that making such decisions is a function of the grown up, rather than delegating it to junior. Sure, give him a first crack at acting appropriately, but if he doesn’t come through on his own volition, well, he’ll have yet another reason to resent living under my tyranny.
And - no, of course - a quick insincere “sorry” won’t cut it. If they aren’t sincerely sorry, then they’d better fake it convincingly.
As a general rule I think most kids I’ve encountered could do with a good deal less personal growth, insight, and understanding as to their emotions, and a good measure more reactive familiarity with the innumerable social niceties that enable pleasant interactions in a society. For every WhyNot who is making the effort to raise responsible discerning young people, there are countless more parents raising asocial little shits, who need to learn a heck of a lot more than saying “I’m sorry” when they have caused someone distress.
One of the things I’ve told my son as he gets older is, “Kiddo, if you’re going to break the rules, you’re going to have to at least learn how to not get caught! If you sneak food into your bedroom, for the love of God, at least dispose of the evidence! How will you ever be a successful supply-closet thief if you don’t learn to cover your tracks?”
And yeah, for the lazy parent, a coerced apology is better than ignoring the issue, I agree. I just think my way is better than either of those options, at least for my kids. I guess teaching parents that they should make their kids apologize is a step in the process of teaching them to teach their kids WHY they should apologize.
I’m assuming, tho, that if the answer is no, and you feel it should be yes, then you will take steps along the lines of what MsWhatsit said:
No?
Also, in case there was any doubt, I hope on most occasions I succeeded in acting in such a manner, ending a play date, personally apologizing to the other kid’s parents, or such, instead of
Slight hijack - one simple-sounding “rule” of parenting I learned when my kids were quite young was not not “discipline/criticise” my kids in front of their friends. That doesn’t mean my kids can do no wrong when others are around, of course. But it makes a lot of sense to me that in most cases, whatever I intend to achieve through correcting my kid, will pale compared to the social implications of doing it in front of their friends.
