Situations in which apologizing increases people anger rather than decreasing it

In My Humble Opinion
1

I grew up in an upbringing where I was taught that even if you aren’t wrong, apologizing anyway can help smooth over a dispute - that apologizing isn’t so much an actual admission of guilt as it is a tool for getting things over with sooner.

But I’ve learned (the hard way) that when you aren’t wrong, or are only partially wrong, apologizing can actually pour gasoline on the fire because it then confirms, in the other person’s mind, that you actually were fully wrong and then it inflames their anger all the more. In such a situation, you should actually stick to your guns and defend yourself because then it sows (proper) doubt in the other person’s mind that “Maybe he wasn’t wrong after all, maybe it’s me.”

Anybody else have this experience?

2

It depends on the person and situation. Any married guy understands apologies can smooth small things over. A clumsy apology, non-apology, or (the political) one that is actively insulting (“I am so sorry you are easily offended by…”) can certainly make things worse. Apologies depend on sincerity and assume a certain level of grace on the part of the recipient.

In medicine, apologizing after an error is often a wise move.

Still, something to be said for the saying:
“Never apologize. The right sort of person doesn’t need it. And the wrong sort of person will always hold it against you.”

3

I can live with this. But a person who declares that they never apologize had better damn well never ask me for an apology.

4

I would strongly disagree with this. The “right sort of person” does need to hear an apology when he or she has been wronged. It validates feeling hurt or upset about how you’ve been treated. And it lets you understand that the other party has genuine remorse for what he or she did, and helps you both move on with your relationship.

In my opinion, refusing to ever apologize for fear that the “wrong people” might use it against you is a pretty sad way to get through life.

5

Yes, I’ve had this experience—you apologize to someone, and they explode.

I agree that sometimes this happens because it appears to justify the other person’s anger. If you apologize to a rageaholic type who is already yelling and screaming, it probably isn’t going to calm them down. However, I’ve also learned that some people simply don’t like apologies and consider them empty words. They’ll respond with something like, “Oh, so you said you’re sorry and that’s supposed to make everything okay?”

I still think it’s important to apologize at times, even when it doesn’t help much.

6

I agree. I am quick to apologize. It’s very Canadian. Apologia require sincerity and a certain amount of grace on the part of the recipient. Although the saying is not my practice, I can understand it. But I think apologizing also helps you get past issues.

7

“The wrong sort of person” is going to hold it against you, regardless of whether you apologize or not.

If you apologize, and they explode, so what? You have taken the high road, and they are the #$%hole.

8

Too many people think that just saying, “I’m sorry.” means the end of it, that the person being apologized to should take the apology and be done with it. That an apology should come with automatic forgiveness.

“What, I’ve apologized for that, why are you still angry?”

To me, an apology needs to contain three things. An acknowledgement of what you did wrong, an understanding of how what you did wrong harmed the other, and a sincere commitment to avoid that behavior in the future.

It is then up to the aggrieved party to determine if you are correct in what it was that you did wrong, whether you understand how it hurt them, and if they trust your promise to not do it again.

If they do not accept your apology, it is because they do not feel that you have covered this, they do not trust you to not harm them again in the same or similar way. Demanding that they forgive you, when you have lost their trust, is only going to cause anger and frustration.

If you are using an apology as, as the OP put it, “Getting things over with sooner”, then you should not be too surprised when the person that you have harmed is not agreeable to your timetable, that they do not accept that expediency on their part is the priority of getting over being wronged.

If you don’t think that you were in the wrong, but the person that is harmed does feel that you were in the wrong, making an insincere apology, where you do not acknowledge what you did wrong, how that hurt them, and express a commitment to avoid doing so in the future, then they are absolute in the right to not accept it, and in fact, be angry at you for trying to “smooth things over”, without actually addressing what the things are that you are refusing to actually confront.

Many people then blame the aggrieved party for being unreasonable and not extending forgiveness to someone magnanimous enough to say, “I’m sorry.” even when they aren’t. It’s not exactly gaslighting, but it’s definitely on that end of the spectrum when it comes to abusive relationships.

9

Sometimes it is obvious a person is apologizing more out of a social anxiety than as a sincere expression of sorrow. While I treat a person like this differently than someone who never apologies, it is still hard for me to not feel frustrated with them. Apologies are supposed to mean something. They aren’t supposed to be a reflex. If I’ve heard you say “I’m sorry” a million times over piddly or nonexistent offenses, then I’m probably not going to feel touched when you say “I’m sorry” over something major.

I have never exploded over an over-apologizer, but I have let an over-apologizer know that their apologies were getting on my nerves. I think I put it like “Um, Cindy, please stop saying you’re sorry. None of [the problem we were dealing with at the time] is your fault. You do know that, right?” The “um” was perhaps a little snarky, but it was necessary because she was driving me crazy.

10

Is that really what’s making them angry, or are they angry because you’re still sure you’re right but you’re trying to use an apology as a noise to make the argument go away?

If you’re still sure you’re right, then you’re probably going to keep right on doing whatever it was anyway; in which case no, there’s no sense in apologizing.

If you’re sure you’re right but you’re willing to stop doing whatever’s causing the problem (or start doing something if that’s the issue) because the person you’re arguing with (or the job, or whatever) is more important to you than the issue is, then say that.

If you’re partially wrong, then apologize for that part – but make sure it’s the right type of apology. I occasionally agree with k9bfriender, and in post 8 they’ve got it right. Plus which, if you’ve apologized for the same thing multiple times in the past but never changed the behavior, don’t be surprised if the apology won’t be accepted this time until and unless there is a long term change in behavior.

Terrible saying. Everybody’s wrong sometimes. Thinking that ever being wrong makes you a ‘wrong sort of person’ leads to all sorts of screwups, some of them really nasty.

And if what you mean is that it makes somebody the ‘wrong sort of person’ to ever want an apology – no, that isn’t right either. Wanting somebody to properly acknowledge when they screwed up is entirely reasonable – because if they won’t acknowledge it, then they’re a whole lot less likely to try to fix it, or at least to try not to produce similar screwups in the future.

I’ll agree that a person who holds such an acknowledgement against somebody, purely because they acknowledged it, is wrong in at least that area.

11

Elements of an apology:

TL, DR:

  • Expression of regret
  • Explanation of what went wrong
  • Acknowledgment of responsibility
  • Declaration of repentance
  • Offer of repair
  • Request for forgiveness
12

I work retail. Yes, I’ve had that experience. During the holiday shopping season at least once a day.

In some cases I think the person is just angry and looking for a punching bag.

13

One form of “apology” that is, I believe, offensive by its very nature is: “If you’re offended, I apologize.” It implies that, somehow, they’re shocked by it and it is somehow your fault for taking the statement wrong, but they’ll throw an “apology” your way anyway even though you shouldn’t need one.

14

I’m quick to apologize once. But I don’t apologize twice.

At some point it’s easier to solve the problem by either leaving or getting in a fight.

15

I remember last week on Twitter, the Dilbert guy said that Trump’s abject racism had finally crossed a line for him, so he was voting for Biden. Not really an apology, just expressing that he knew he was wrong (or had become wrong, or had become aware of being in the wrong), and he was going to make it right.

The liberal response was "this is too little too late. And his volte-face was “well if you guys still don’t like me then I take it back, I’m definitely voting for Trump now.” I guess the aversion to racism wasn’t as strong as his aversion to being criticized.

Is this like that? A situation where the admission of wrongness isn’t predicated on the wrongness, but whether it will get others off your back?

16

Canadian Nightmare!

17

I think it’s often really easy for someone to tell that you’re apologizing not because you think you did something wrong, but because you think the apology is a way to get them off your case. The details of things like this are highly contextual, but an obviously insincere apology is generally going to piss the other person off rather than calm them down. Even though most people are good at spotting lies since social interactions are likely the main reason we have big brains, a lot of people underestimate how easy it is for someone to spot insincerity. Also, if you’ve ever done the sequence ‘apologize, person doesn’t back down, take back the apology’, most people are going to be highly suspicious that any future apology is similarly fake. There are also a lot of people that offer non-apologies that they think are apologies, these will almost always inflame the situation. “I’m sorry you were offended”, “I’m sorry if I my statement bothered you”, “I’m sorry you’re too dumb to get my argument” and the like don’t actually work for obvious reasons.

18

I’ve found you can very, very quickly take the wind out their sails by immediately and without question catering to their demands as if they were completely reasonable. Granted, their reason for being angry (even if they’re going way overboard with the drama) has to be justified and how they want it taken care of needs to be, more or less, reasonable. For example, I’ll see someone outside clearly getting worked up, they march into the store with a scowl on their face, I can see them talking to the cashier as their face gets redder and redder, as I get called over they blow up at me about how they just spent $45 dollars on all this stuff and one of the apples in their bag of apples is rotten and I very nicely apologize and hand them a fresh bag.
From my POV, it’s always amusing to see someone that’s clearly looking for a fight suddenly have nothing to fight about. That energy that they were getting ready to unload on me suddenly has no outlet and it usually manifests itself in a very confused look on their face. I always enjoy watching all the adrenaline and rage drain out of their body as they realize that maybe they were way too worked up over a rotten apple.

Don’t get me wrong, we still get plenty of people looking for punching bags. You can fix that situation and they’ll suddenly have just as big of a problem with something else and if nothing comes to mind they’ll march off mumbling about how they ‘don’t appreciate being ripped off’. I’ve had a handful of customers that I’ve had to ask to stop shopping at my store since what we’re doing isn’t up to their standards or, put another way, ‘if you have a problem with everything we sell, maybe you need to shop somewhere else’.

19

Going back to the OP: there are as many strategies as there are counterparties.

Some people won’t be satisfied unless they get to shoot you. Apologizing to them won’t help.
Some people won’t be satisfied unless they get to hit you. Apologizing to them won’t help.
Some people won’t be satisfied unless they get to yell at you while you stand there and meekly take it. Apologizing to them won’t help.
etc.

Eventually you get back down to the sane people for whom there is a genuine difference of understanding between you & them. Now you have a hope that an apology can identify the cause. Although apologies aren’t about finding causes; they’re about fixing future interactions. So if you believe there is a misunderstanding, apologizing is pulling out the wrong tool. You’ve already failed before you begin.

And finally you get to the cases with a common understanding of the underlying issue; there’s only a social problem about improper courtesy or hurt pride. That’s the place an apology is the right tool for the job at hand.

But it’ll only have any chance of working if, ref the many excellent explanations above, a) it’s sincere, b) it identifies your error, c) it identifies their harm, and d) clearly and believably communicates your intention to avoid that going forward. And finally, only if the other person agrees to their satisfaction with your a) through d).

Said another way, an apology never works on an irrationally angry person, only on a rational non-angry person. And only if done skillfully. Everybody you deal with has a different threshold where rational slides to irrational. For some folks, looking at them pushes them to irrationality, For others you’d have to both wreck their car and kill their dog before they got irrational.

TLDR: Human nature is a bitch. The best you can hope to do is learn to identify the situationally irrational ones at a distance and go the other way.

See also:

The caption could also read “How Nature says, ‘An apology won’t work.’”

20

A real Canadian nightmare might be when they stop making bacon, pepperettes and servicable lager.