What are good reasons to reject an apology? Of course, if the apology is so deficient that it doesn’t count as an apology, like if the apologizer doesn’t accept the blame, you can’t accept it. What else is a necessary element of an apology? Does it matter what the wrong was, or who the person was?
I’m asking because I just received an apology via email from someone I’ve never met. This leaves me the option of not responding at all to the apology, which I’m thinking I’ll do. He had publicly insulted me, and now he basically says that although he still thinks I was wrong, he shouldn’t have responded that way. It seems to me that this implies that he had an excuse for his behavior. I don’t think an apology should be used to get in one final jab. Or am I being too harsh?
N-generation apologies are generally good ones not to accept as well. These are the kind of apologies that you’ve heard before, after a repeated pattern of behavior. I.e., person messes up, person apologizes, one time–best to accept and give the benefit of the doubt, for everyone stumbles. But, person messes up, person apologizes, person messes up again very similarly (or exactly the same), person apologizes, etc.–apology is pretty much worthless. People are cyclical critters.
For the second bit, not responding is fine in my book–if someone expects some show of forgiveness or whatnot after apologizing, it seems to me they’re probably not too clear on what apologizing is supposed to be about. Alternately, you can reply to the email by editting out everything but the “I apologize”, and reply simply “Okay.”
If you don’t want to continue the relationship with the other person, accept the apology in your head and don’t reply. It won’t hurt anyone but you to hold a grudge.
Besides, what can a person do besides apologize? There’s nowhere to go after that. It’s a little like putting someone in debtor’s prison.
I’ve always thought an apology should be a conversation opener, not a conversation ender. Too many people apologize to assuage their guilty consciences, or to shut you up, or to pre-empt criticism of themselves. If you feel this apology was insincere and have no desire or motivation to converse with this person, I say you’re safe to ignore it. However, if you’re forced to deal with this guy again, you might tersely accept the apology in a way that indicates you continued displeasure with him.
IMO, accepting an apology is a fairly meaningless formality. Rejecting one is a declaration of war. Ignoring one is petty.
I recommend accepting, because it costs nothing. If it doesn’t make you feel better, because you don’t think the apology was sincere, well, you’re still no worse off than you were, before, and you’ve done something for someone else. If you don’t feel they deserve anything from you, then it’s an altruistic act (provided you aren’t doing it for the purpose of being altruistic), which is good for the soul. And, if you can forgive them, then you’ve done something.
It shouldn’t be: accepting an apology ought to mean something. An apology ought to result in the injured party forgiving the apologizing party for the injury.
But what does forgiveness mean, and what are its consequences? I frame the critical question thus: Must forgiveness restore trust? Why, or why not?
To take a materialistic example: If A lends money to B, which B does not repay, and A forgives B for the debt, I am fairly confident that A cannot honorably later claim the debt (and probably cannot even accept B’s voluntary repayment) and cannot criticize B for not paying it.
But what if B then asks A for another loan? May A refuse, taking into account B’s prior uncreditworthiness? or does the act of forgiveness and release require that A overlook it and extend the new loan? I have generally concluded, with some reluctance and without complete comfort, that forgiveness need not restore trust. But at the very least, forgiveness ought to close the account on the particular matter for which an apology has been accepted.
Well, you’re entitled to your opinion. But, recognize that’s all we’re stating here; opinions. There are no graven tablets containing any relevant commandments.
Personally, I see acceptance of an apology as completely separate from granting forgiveness. Accepting an apology is a political act, allowing further discourse, with no further obligation on the acceptor. Forgiveness is a personal, spiritual act.
You can choose to forgive someone who has not apologized. You can choose not to forgive someone whose apology you have accepted. The two have no connection except, possibly, the same bad act.
Forgiving a debt is a legal/financial term, and I don’t believe it’s relevant to this discussion.
Accepting an apology should likewise be a moral act, not a “political” one. To accept an apology while still harboring, and intending to keep harboring, anger or rancor is hollow and insincere.
Then you’re missing my point. I deliberately chose the example of forgiving a debt, and labeled it as “a materialistic example,” in order to illustrate the moral issue in starker relief. A loan between personal friends is not primarily a legal or a financial act, it is a personal favor: the lender is probably not expecting interest on the loan, there are no negotiated terms, there are no formal papers evidencing the transaction, and probably neither the lender nor the borrower will resort to the courts if the borrower does not repay. But a personal loan gone bad can easily sour the personal relationship, without any financial or legal dimension at all. If the borrower simply cannot or will not repay the loan, then the lender can either hold it against the borrower, or forgive the bad faith and honor the relationship over the loan. I could just as easily have used as an example an exchange of harsh words rather than money, but the point is the same.
I think that an apology is only worth anything if it accompanies a genuine change of heart (this can be a small change in proportion with a small apology though) - a conscious realisation that you were wrongin doing or saying what you did.
Saying “OK, OK, I’m sorry, alright?”, or “I apologise, but I still think…” means nothing. I probably just would not acknowledge an insincere apology, rathwer than formally rejecting it (unless it was over something incredibly important.
Again, that’s your OPINION. You’re entitled to your opinions. You’re not entitled to to state them as fact. There are no rules, no matter how much you’d like to impose them upon us. And, no, I didn’t miss your point. You failed to make it. Forgiving a debt (financial) is entirely different than forgiving a friend (moral) for failing to repay it.
I think I made it clear that what I was stating was my opinion. How you choose to respond to an apology is up to you, just as how I choose to respond is up to me. This is not GD, and I have no interest in debating this with you. You don’t like my opinion? Fine. Don’t adopt it. I’m done.
Well, all the replies just made my brain melt down, so I’ll re-shift my focus. There - all done.
The question I ask myself on accepting or rejecting an apology is this: “What is the benefit of rejecting an apology?”. If it only serves to make the other person feel like dreck, that ain’t good. To accept an apology is to acknowledge that the apology has been made, and the next steps (selecting a level on which to resume a relationship) reside outside of the apology.
“I’m sorry!”
“That’s ok”.
“Wanna go to a movie?”
“No, thanks”.
I am willing to accept any honest apology. What I don’t like is the “politician’s apology”:
If anyone thinks I did something wrong, I’m sorry.
This isn’t an apology (which involves an admission of wrongdoing). It’s a sop to those who are criticizing you, saying you don’t really believe they’re right, but that you’ll go through the motions of apologizing in order to get them off your back.
I actually was in a situation where someone was trying to do something like this over an issue. It would have been a disaster. I told him to say, essentially, “I made a mistake, and I’m sorry,” and it was nearly uncontroversial.
I accept them but I don’t forget. aka, I forgive but I don’t forget (why let them do it again in the future?)…
Some people are in 12 step programs & they get to a stage where they have to apologize to people. But ifyou don’t know the person, why accept the apology? Might be some kind of spam?
I agree with Davebear that accepting an apology doesn’t require forgiveness. It’s merely an acknowledgement of the other person’s desire to make amends. But if it’s not a genuine apology, then those rules don’t apply. I don’t see why someone saying the words “I’m sorry” should necessarily create an obligation on my part.
What I’m hearing from this guy is, “I was completely right, but my girlfriend says I was being an ass and I guess she might have a point, so I’m going to say I’m sorry because that’s what I’m supposed to do.” It would have been fine if he had just said “I’m sorry. My behavior was wrong.”
You’re right, handy, that it doesn’t matter all that much in this case because I don’t know the guy. But it has affected my life the past couple days. We go to the same school, along with hundreds of other people who received the message containing the insults. I doubt there was anyone in our school of 1500+ who didn’t hear about this. It’s hard to go about your business when you’re not sure which of your colleagues has had a laugh at your expense. This guy was way out of line, and the apology feels inadequate.
Maybe I should respond with “Even though I still think you’re a jerk, I’ll accept your apology.” Wouldn’t that be the equivalent of what he said?
Now, don’t go getting all tense and sore, Davebear. I was just offering my opinion, as you have told me twice so far in this thread that I am entitled to do. You and I can disagree.
As for your writing that I am trying “to state [my opinions] as fact” or “to impose them upon us”: Huh? This forum is called In My Humble Opinion. I assume that it is so named because “IMHO” is always implied, and need not be explicitly stated over and over. (And while you did “ma[k]e it clear that what I was stating was my opinion” by prefacing your first post with “IMO,” you are the only one in this thread so far who has done so.) We are exchanging opinions about a matter that is not susceptible of factual knowledge. I don’t see how anything that I wrote, which could not possibly be anything but my personal view, warrants your response.
To me, accepting an apology (and, conversely, making one) is a serious thing. I realize society at large is of the PC opinion that if an apology is offered it should be accepted out of hand, but I strongly disagree with that.
To accept an apology is to note that the person offering it has admitted wrongdoing against you in some way and acknowledge that person feels to some degree contrite. If you don’t buy the contrition or the original action is part of an ongoing pattern of behavior, I don’t believe there exists any inherent need to accept the apology.
Also, I feel the need to add that accepting an apology is not the same thing as bestowing forgiveness, any more than making an apology is the same as asking forgiveness. The two usually, but not necessarily, go together.
To forgive someone is, once again IMHO, is to wave one’s right to expect or pursue retribution or restitution for something that person did. That’s far more serious than accepting an apology, and one can accept an apology without forgiving.
If you get hammered and smash the windshield of my car because you had a drunken tantrum, I may well accept your apology for it in the morning, but I won’t forgive you until you’ve bought me some new glass.
It would be insincere for someone to say they agreed with you when they didn’t. It is possible to be genuinely sorry for the way you behaved without having changed your opinion.
In any case, I truly believe that forgiveness helps the “forgiver” far more than it helps the “forgiven.”
A quote from a song I love that summarized my feelings on forgiveness…
“There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
You keep carryin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside”
Don Henley “The Heart of the Matter”
I know that in this instance you might feel that it is reaching to feel that not forgiving this person is going to “eat you up inside”…but my personal feeling is that holding ANY kind of anger does this…in however small a way, it is NEVER good for you.
Just something to think about…I know you may not agree with me.