I think perhaps I was unclear. I was saying the opposite of how you’ve taken it.
I mean, the GIRL is making and voicing a very ‘adult’ concern, the parent should respect that above all.
She’s not choosing what life changing surgery to have, she’s expressing a preference about her caregiver, going forward.
I want her to be open and sharing with her Dr, that will get her the best care. If she’s old enough for a gynaecological exam, she’s old enough to have a say in who performs it to my mind.
I cannot imagine a reason why any parent would go against their child’s wish in such an instance.
Fewer female Drs? Really?
I’d find one for her!
Her wishes should be respected. If you want her to get good care, she needs a Dr she’s comfortable with. End of story.
Its the vagueness. Why not “has a hairy mole on her thigh” or “has ulcerative colitis” or “may have endometriosis or fibroids”?
Thise sorts of details allow people to suggest compromises, give details about how invasive the treatment may be, develop an opinion on how vital the treatment is. The vagueness serves only to allow the OP to wave away all that and focus on “under what circumstances can a 15 year old girl be forced to submit to an intimate exam from a man?”
It’s not the topic, it’s the approach. And maybe Im wrong. But I think its wprth being aware that the flashers and prank call heavy breathers of yesteryear get their jollies other ways now.
That’s a good point. Because of course, the real parents in that situation are very focused on those details, and even respecting medical privacy and all that, it’s weird to leave them out.
And also, as i pointed out in my post that hopefully isn’t tmi, it’s weird that there isn’t an option to have a woman do the actual exam, even if the girl’s medical condition needs to be followed by a male doctor.
Back in the 70s, my male pediatrician talked to me about sex, and also inquired about my drug use. But i don’t think he even asked me to take my pants off, let alone do an internal pelvic exam. I do remember literally running around his office because i was afraid of needles, and i needed some immunization. But that’s by far the most traumatic experience i had with him.
(of course, i didn’t have any unspecified pelvic disease. I’m pretty sure he would have sent me to a gynecologist if i had, though.)
I also find the story suspicious. I would find it pretty incredible in this day and age for a medical facility that handles sensitive examinations of teenage girls to NOT have a female doctor who could do the exam.
Heck, I had a biopsy on my breast last year and was asked if I was ok with a male medical student observing. I said fine, and she said ‘that’s so kind, most say no’. And that’s nowhere near as invasive as a pelvic exam.
Heh. I decided to let a male intern attempt to place an IUD. (He failed.) He was training to be a family doctor, and i decided he really did need to know how to do that, and i was as good a person for him to learn on as anyone. I’m still bad with needles, though, and always request an experienced phlebotomist. They can learn on someone else.
I don’t know about that - maybe if you are talking about multiple provider practices but most of my doctors practice either solo or solo for that specialty ( for example, my PCPs office has a cardiologist , an OB/GYN , a urologist, a general surgeon, a podiatrist but only one of each). And while they all employ women, none are nurses or nurse-practitioners or physician assistants. The female medical assistant who draws my blood can be a “chaperone” for the male gyn to perform an exam but can’t do the exam herself.
Isn’t that what the 14 year old is doing? She’s claiming the right of adults to decide what doctor to see and who gets to see and possibly handle her body.
Three year olds get taken to the doctor by their parents. The parents choose the doctor, the parents decide (ideally according to doctors’ recommendations) whether the kid gets a shot, or gets a swab down their throat, or gets their genitals inspected, or whatever. 14 year olds are in the blurry middle; but the problem isn’t that she’s acting younger than her age.
The whole thing is pretty vague. It’s possible that the exam is looking for something that requires considerable training to evaluate properly, and that whatever women are on staff in the office don’t have that specific training. The fact that she needs to go to a specialist to have the exam done seems to me to indicate that training that her primary care doctor doesn’t have is necessary.
There are times our office is staffed with just the male or just the female doctors. It happens.
Whether or not the post elsewhere was real or someone’s “kink”, the issue is a real one and interesting to hear different perspectives about.
I personally am surprised by how many would allow the child’s anxiety and fears to rule the day without a more serious effort to deal with it other than by avoidance.
If it was my daughter hypothetically the response would be lots of discussion with mom and me of having to deal with uncomfortable and scary events, explanation of exactly what would happen, why it needs to happen, and that mom will be there with her. Practice with controlled breathing techniques. If we tried all those things and still when there, with a professional who has dealt with many anxious teenagers, it was complete hysteria, then we would review options, in a non punitive manner. But default is that she can do this even though it is scary.
I’m actually surprised that you’re surprised by that - I wouldn’t see a doctor I was uncomfortable with unless I had absolutely no options and I wouldn’t expect my daughter to, either. This is not an emergency situation where of course she would just have to deal with whichever doctor is available and the financial part appears to be “choose between female doctor and music lessons” not "choose between “female doctor and food”. I find it kind of hypocritical to talk about “consent” and “you don’t have to endure unwanted touching” when what’s really meant is “you don’t have to endure unwanted touching unless avoiding it means I don’t have to spend my money in a way I prefer not to”. Because that’s really the situation in the letter- the parent expects the daughter to endure unwanted touching because the parent prefers to spend the money on music lessons.
This would seem more likely if it was a post on Reddit where you have a bunch of people ready to give their life experiences than a Slate column where you maybe get some male doctor answering your question weeks later and there’s no community feedback option. “Post leading question, hope it gets published in Slate then look for message boards where it gets discussed and hope someone talks about being touched by their doctor back in 1992” sounds like a lot of extra steps versus just posting to r/ReallyPersonalParentingAdvice (I just made that sub up… I think).
I assume that 95% of the advice posts on Reddit are nonsense for clicks, rage, trolling, etc
Slate also says they might edit letters which would explain some of the weird language if they were removing references to something. But mainly I just don’t see the value trying to fish for stories via Slate’s medical advice column versus much more obvious means.
I would give her the chance to successfully face her anxiety with support and have every expectation that she would. To me the assumption that my child would be unable to succeed at that and validating that avoiding things that make us anxious is the way to go is NOT a message I would ever consider sending.
Yes the same to a son if he had reacted that way to seeing a female endocrinologist. Who had to examine for puberty staging every visit.
YMMV. And again my experience is that the vast vast majority of times these highly anxious teens handle the exams just fine. Not as scary as they were afraid it was going to be.
So you know better, about a teenage girls anxiety over her doctor’s gender, than she herself does? And unless and only when, she breaks down in hysteria, will you even consider that she may have a valid concern.
Why does how you think she should feel about it, take precedent over how she’s telling you she actually feels about it?
Why would she ever again come to you with any type of delicate concern? Knowing you’ll steamroll her because you feel she just needs to buck up!
She wants a female doctor, but you’re going to force her to your choice, for your reasons. I hope you realize she’ll never forget this.
For me, the line i draw is that i prefer the doctor be someone who can imagine this medical exam/procedure being done to them. Which is why i wasn’t concerned about the gender of the doctor looking at a rash, but made certain to get an obstetrician who had given birth.