I’ve seen hundreds of teen aged girls and boys highly anxious about lots of things including but not restricted to the gender of their doctor who were able to deal. 99% plus. Sometimes it takes a while to talk through it. But I know from experience that most will be able to with some calm support. If it becomes apparent that a specific child is in that less than 1% then alternative approaches are warranted.
Yes teens don’t always realize what fears they can manage to overcome. As a parent it was my job to know better and help them realize their strength. IMHO.
But is she taking that initiative for adult reasons, or simply from childish fears or an overdeveloped sense of sex-squemishness inculcated by her benighted parents? We don’t know. Which was the motivation behind the questions I posed in my initial reply in Post #2.
We each here are free to impute whatever motives we want onto this straw-woman case. Then decide for ourselves based on that imputation. IRL the real parents really need to know the real daughter’s real why. And assist her appropriately based on that action. Which may well be, just as you say, totally leaving the decision and attendant consequences to her.
My bottom line: Why the 14yo wants the other doctor is probably more important than the fact she does want it.
In a situation like this, pushing a kid to do it doesn’t only have upsides. There are downsides as well. If you can’t really get the kid to overcome their issues and embrace the situation, there’s the risk that they develop body image issues. Also, they may no longer see you as a trusted resource for issues like this. Kids can ignore health issues just the same as adults. If they feel like the way you react to an embarrassing health problem is to force them to do something that they would feel mortified about, they are not likely to come to you with similar problems in the future.
No. There may be body image issues that are the cause of such an extreme case that it cannot be accomplished with calm support; but there is IMHO zero chance that being unable to overcome it will cause body image issues or even any reason to think it would.
A 14 year old is not an adult. There should be no expectation of their choice for a throat swab, a blood draw, an immunization, or an exam at the office of the specialist who is part of the plan. They can be afraid of any of those things and say don’t wanna. The adult is the adult in the room and they can and should support them through it.
Not much different than the first time our daughter went skiing with us and was afraid and would have not gone down unless I was there to help her past her fear. Who was scared as we went down the hill. And who when I told her to stop and look back had her eyes open wide “I just skied down that!?! Wow I’m great!”
The knee jerk response to our children being afraid of something is not to tell them they don’t have to then. It includes having understanding of being afraid, normalizing being afraid, and helping them get past their fears.
Also, i think you are more likely to develop body image issues if you avoid ever bring seen naked than if you work through your initial awkwardness. I mean, everyone is different, but that’s certainly how my brain works.
(Unless the doctor turns out to be abusive or something. But if the mom is in the room, that seems pretty unlikely.)
One has to be careful dispensing that kind of advise. True, it may be just shyness or something minor of that nature, but it may be symptomatic of a deeper issue that is only manifesting itself in this particular way. As her mother, I would contact her school’s counselor and inform her of the situation. She could meet with the child and try to get a read on the situation.
I’m a grown up lady who has never had a male medical professional physically examine my breasts or my vagina. I’ve been having such exams for at least 30 years now. When given a choice I have always chosen female gynos, but when not given a choice I have lucked out and always had female techs and nurses (I have access to a glut of medicine around here). At this point, I can’t imagine having a male professional give me a pelvic exam or any sort of test that requires me being awake while my genitals are being explored. Maaaaaaaybe a breast exam but it would not be optimal. And I have no history of sexual abuse.
There are grown women in their 20s posting all the time on women’s Reddit groups saying they have been avoiding pelvic exams for years and now finally need one and are terrified, and have come online for help and support.
From where I’m coming from, I just don’t see how someone can be coached through being ok with a male practitioner if they already have it in their head that a male practitioner will not do. It’s good she’s even consenting to the exam at this point, given how grown women can be afraid of the exams themselves.
FWIW my mom says she has always preferred a male gyno. A male doctor delivered her two kids. I think that’s just how she started and how it’s gone for her. I’ve always had a male GP my whole life, so I’m not against male doctors. Just not for this particular thing.
My son was terrified of rollercoasters. Refused to even consider going on a coaster for 8 years. It isn’t at all clear to me that “helping” him past his fear by essentially requiring him to ride a coaster would have been the right choice.
In fact, my helping him and reassuring him that a coaster ride would be just fine is probably what made him scared in the first place. The ride I took him on was too much and scared the bajeezus out of him, and he wasn’t going on another one no how no way. After he put on a few years and gained his own personal confidence, he was able to try again with his friends, his own decision, not one I made for him because it was more convenient for me.
Certainly have the conversation with the daughter, but ignoring her fears because it’s cheaper and more convenient for the parent is not cool.
Those grown women in their 20s would have been helped by a Mother and a caring doctor to get her, as a teen, through this.
We always will have to be examined gynecologically, as women. Its a fact of life.
Too many dire diseases, child birth. Sexual funtion. These are important facts.
Of course, do it kindly, reassure the patient. Explain exactly whats happening and may happen. The fear of the unknown paralyzes young women.
I believe it can be painful for some women. So explain that too.
It’s just not that awful.
There have been many doctors who have looked at every part of my body.
I got over the shy thing long ago.
What if I had decided, with all my agency and wisdom, I was never taking insulin again at age 13_14? My semi-rebellious age. I was questioning everything about being diabetic at the time. Well. I’d be dead.
As parents we have to insist on some things. This is one of those things.
It can be done gently and respectfully.
This isn’t a “I’m not doing it at all” situation. This is a “the terms by which I will agree are attainable but perhaps not the most desirable.”
If you chose not to get insulin via a needle, you might reconsider when you find the consequences are “you will feel like shit and then you will die.” This kid’s consequences are “it’ll be inconvenient for your parents and you won’t get flute lessons.”
Congratulations on being a person who is fine with being poked and prodded by doctors any which way and how. Too bad this young girl is not you.
In this case, if the male GYN was a 5 minute drive away, and the female GYN was a 10 minute drive away, would people be insisting that this young lady go to the male doctor? Because it’s a childish fear she needs to get over? What if the female doctor was closer and cheaper, does mom demand the male doctor anyway to help daughter be ready for adulthood?
I would think not, there’s no harm to acquiesce to a child’s reasonable request. What is reasonable depends on the situation. In this case, it’s more expense and means longer trips, if that’s truly a show stopper, then the parent’s need to insist. But it isn’t really a show stopping request, it’s inconvenient and changes things for the family, but you do that when it’s the right thing to do for your kid.
Do you think they’d be as terrified if they had faced the fear earlier on? My WAG is that their avoiding it for years has magnified the terror.
You can disbelieve me but it happens. Commonly. (And the converse. Males can learn to be comfortable with a female provider.) People are frequently capable of being coached through interactions that make them anxious.
The point of a rollercoaster is to be scary. Like a horror movie. Not the same thing. Yes good to respect the wishes of someone who is saying they don’t want to go on a scary ride. Not the same issue. And maybe at some point in the future they will. Or not.
What is your expertise for that confident assertion?
Pediatrician here. I have great confidence that you are wrong. A decent doctor in that circumstance would spend some time helping the patient become comfortable with them. They likely would let them know that many teens have anxiety over being examined, that the anxiety is normal, and calmly explain the reasons that the look is a necessary part of the visit, would spell out what would happen in advance, and warn what they were going to do before they did it. This happens frequently and is usually a smoother process than getting cooperation for a vaccine from someone is afraid. (And we can usually talk scared kids through that too.)
I think some here underappreciate the potential costs involved in going out of network for specialist care. Usually you are not dealing with a single visit but following a condition over time. The specialist may order tests and procedures that then will also be out of network. The odds of something like this ending being a flute lesson level thing is true maybe for the initial visit but not by the time they’re done.
I’ve been trying to imagine what the specialist could be and I can only come up with a few: most probable endocrinology for things like pubertal delay (visual exam to determine puberty stage); a surgeon for a possible inguinal hernia, an oncologist for an inguinal mass that might need a biopsy; or dermatologist for a changing or concerning nevus in the area. That all I can come up with. Visual exam and possible palpating a mass if present would be the exam. Nothing internal. The only times I’ve ever referred with internal exams likely have been for GU trauma (laceration after falling on a bar); suspected retained foreign body; or presumed imperforate hymen and really being referred for the procedure. Mostly those have been on the more emergent side and they see who is available that day.
At age 13 or 14 I would have died before seeing a male gynecologist. How is forcing that on a girl any different than forcing her to be seen/treated/manipulated on her genitals by any man? While it may be for a good reason, it’s no different to the girl emotionally.
You seriously don’t understand the difference between a doctor looking at a body part as a necessary component of a medical visit and Uncle Joe molesting his niece?
Which were pretty much dealt with in the linked article; though I don’t think that answered what you’re asking here, at least unless you think the only possible “adult reasons” would be previous abuse.
I’m glad it worked. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it backfires.
I had a grade school gym teacher manage to talk terrified me up into a piece of gym equipment – I forget its name. It had two rings hanging by ropes from the ceiling; you were supposed to get one leg through each ring and then dismount by a backwards somersault. I was terrified of the falling-backwards stage. (Still am.) She got me up there, shaking in fear, and talked me calmly and comfortingly through the dismount, which was successful in that I did it right and didn’t hurt myself.
And she then didn’t understand when I refused to go anywhere near the thing again, that day or for the rest of the year (or ever again in my life, though I don’t remember the issue ever coming up after that year.). She had no clue, apparently, as to how scared I was all the way through; she just thought that showing me I could get back down without being hurt would make Everything Fine.
I don’t know whether somebody else might have eventually gotten me through backward somersaults, possibly starting in a pool where I wasn’t afraid of them at all and certainly not starting in midair. All she managed to do was to leave me permanently terrified of them anywhere that wasn’t underwater.
The question isn’t whether she’s going to see a gynecological specialist or not. The question is only which one she’s going to see. And the downside of the difference is purely financial; and again not losing-the-house financial, not everybody-going-hungry financial, not sibling-genius-musician-gets-no-instrument-to-play-on financial. It’s this particular kid gets either this doctor or flute lessons financial.
This is not an accurate portrayal of the linked article. First it is not clear it is a gynecological specialist. I’d doubt it. Second while stated giving up flute lessons it wasn’t saying that would cover the expense. It’s the level of
I do not want to lessen our contributions to retirement accounts, college funds, and other savings. My daughters (I have two other teens) do one non-school-sponsored extracurricular (music lessons, dance classes, etc.). I do not want this to impact my other girls …
This is visits every 4 to 6 weeks for a year or two along with out of network testing. That moves it into her flute lessons, her sisters extracurricular activities, parents night out, and some college fund contributions. Rather than even trying to help her deal with the anxiety instead of avoiding it.
Who said they didn’t try that? The article references their having considerable discussion on the subject. Do you think that the only thing that would count as “trying” would be dragging her to the male doctor against her will? (She’s presumably a bit big to pick up and carry.)