Dopers in cross-cultural relationships: Does your SO gatekeep their culture from you (or vice versa)?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve come to learn that, though Mrs. Homie and were both raised lower middle class, culturally Protestant, Midwestern Americans. Nevertheless, we have some cultural differences that have come to light in our marriage, me being from a city of 130,000 in the heart of the Midwest, she in a small town in the Ozark Mountains at the cultural border between the Midwest and South. One of those differences is in regional dialect – she and her family and the locals use some words and phrases that I never did. For example, on a Venn Diagram where “Funny” and “Ridiculous” and “Clever” meet, they have “Ate Up.” As in, “That Ralphie May, he’s ate up.”

Except Mrs. Homie forbids me from saying “ate up.” She says I’m not allowed to because I’m not Country and I didn’t grow up using the phrase. She says that for me to do so is cultural appreciation. I say, since I live here now in these Ozark Mountains with her, I can say whatever the hell I please.

Does this sort of cross-cultural gatekeeping exist in marriages other than my own?

2

Appropriation?

3

Do you mean cultural appropriation?

Yes, I’m sure lots of people guard their culture.

I can use a word my kids say and I get rolleyes. Like I’m not allowed to say she trippin’.

I texted my daughter the other day with a ROTFL. And she asked if I knew what it meant.
I was afraid for a minute it meant something risque’.

4

Well that’s generational, not really cultural.

My wife and I are pretty homogeneous culturally (NY Jew, and Philly Jew, resp.) so it really doesn’t come up. I think it annoys her slightly when I pretend to a NY accent (that’s a New Yawk accent), but she doesn’t try to forbid it.

5

I have done this in the past when partners were being what i call “Lucky Charms Irish.” Like if they tried to say " Top of the mornin’ to you!" Or make green pancakes for Paddy’s Day. Or say “Patty’s Day.”

If you want to learn my culture, that’s grand. But don’t come at me with the vaudeville version of it.

6

I mean, St. Patrick’s Day kind of is the vaudeville version of Irish culture. It’s not nearly so celebrated in Ireland itself. I don’t mind the occasional green food dye in food, or whatever.

Just so long as you also have some real Irish culture.

7

I grew up in Ohio. My wife grew up in Hong Kong. Lots of differences. I wouldn’t even know where to begin…

8

My wife (Chinese) and I (Pakistani of South Indian ancestry) very happily appropriate each other’s culture. My wife wears saris and applies henna. She doesn’t speak any Urdu/Hindi, but is delighted if I speak Chinese, cook Chinese food, quote Chinese literature or philosophy.

In fact if I’m annoyed I’m much more likely to curse in Chinese than English. Something my Chinese (-American) co-workers find absolutely hilarious.

9

Minimally. She doesn’t want me to appear Chinese, or be faux Chinese. I don’t think she would mind if I was actually more like her, as long as I remain superficially not-like-her.

PLU is a bit more narrow than just race or culture.

10

I am decidedly Mutt-American. My wife is Iranian, born in Tehran and later naturalized.

She doesn’t “gate-keep” her culture, but she does insist on being treated with respect, which is perfectly natural and understandable, I think.

For example, she likes when I cook Persian dishes for dinner. I’ve been working on the recipes for a while, and my ghormeh sabzi is better than hers now. (But it’s not better than her mom’s.) Yet even when I take a crack at something and it doesn’t quite come out right, she still values the attempt and the fact that I’m learning.

I have also learned several of the Farsi curses she mutters whenever the kids do something irritating. There’s one that sounds like “akh-staffula,” accompanied by a quick bite on the muscle between the thumb and the index finger, followed by a flicking gesture of dismissal. My wife thinks it’s hilarious when I say it, even though my pronunciation is poor and it’s obvious I don’t know exactly what it means. I’m using it correctly, and that’s what matters.

At the same time, I do enjoy teasing her every now and then. There’s currently a hot button in Iranian culture where their Arab neighbors are trying to change the name of the Persian Gulf, and it’s amusing to “accidentally” refer to it as the “Arabian Gulf” or the “Gulf of Arabia” in passing conversation. My wife is annoyed, but not deeply; she knows it’s just friendly ribbing and I don’t really believe in the name change, and if she honestly asked me to stop, I would. (I talked about it here if you want to know more.)

So, yeah. No gate-keeping at all. Persian culture is fascinating and complex, and my wife likes knowing I want her to share it with me.

(Edit to add, an actual example where I was teasing a little bit and she asked me to knock it off: We were traveling in Istanbul, and she noted how differently the Turks cook their rice, compared to the Persian method. I said, yeah, it’s so much better here! She didn’t laugh. Persians take their rice very seriously. She said, that’s not funny, don’t even joke about that. Okay. Done.)

11

No culture gatekeeping here.

Mrs. Bullitt is:
• middle class
• white
• born and raised in northern California.

I am:
• middle class
• Pacific Islander
• born in the Philippines
• raised in the northeast US

We both embrace and enjoy the different cultures and customs.

12

I think of it as Irish American culture. But there are live shamrocks and glitter/pasteboard shamrocks; i prefer the former. :wink: In Ireland now it’s Irish Capitalist culture. Many towns now throw up a parade to draw the yank money in.

13

My pretty tame example:
I grew up and spent most of my adult life in the US, my wife is British and we now live in England. A common joke in England is the way Americans pronounce “water” (amongst other things). in a perhaps not-so-subconcious effort to fit in to a degree I now find myself saying things like “to-mah-to” (yes i pronounce it that way and feel like a fraud every time). Anyway recently in casual conversersation i was trying to pronounce “water” like a British person, and my wife kind of laughed and said “Just say it normal”.

14

Just as long as the shamrocks have three leaves. Four-leaf shamrocks are a pet peeve of mine.

That’s a common joke in the US, too, because pronunciation of that word specifically is a marker for some of the regional American accents.

15

I cannot say water like my husband does. Even his younger sisters say it differently, as he spent more time in northern Philadelphia.

We’re both middle class, white with Germanic roots, but grew up on opposite sides of the U.S. So there’s not many differences, with the exception certain vocabulary and how to say certain words.

16

We do not gatekeep our cultures, to-date.

17

You’re thinking of astaghfirullah.

18

That’s a bingo. Thanks!

19

I married Indian. In India. If I hadn’t worn Desi clothes, adopted Desi customs, cooked Desi food, learned to speak Desi language… my Indian in-laws would have been disappointed and their feelings would be hurt. They liked me for wanting to take on their culture. They expected it. They proclaimed me an honorary Indian.

So the OP’s wife getting all persnickety and proprietary about an Ozark phrase makes me laugh. It’s that paradox where big differences are gotten over or worked around, but people will fight a battle royale over small differences.

20

My wife was born in HK and raised in Canada. I’m born and raised in Cleveland. Definitely no gate-keeping between us, we often joke than I’m both Canadian and Cantonese by marriage, and she’s BBM (Black by Marriage) LOL.