Brilliant.
Dave’s not here, man.
Cats.
Dogs.
Birds? They’re back (checkbox) ✓
Grass? It’s green (checkbox) ✓
Four(4) padlocks? Still locking up the signboard cover (checkbox) ✓
God is awesome, but those fuckin’ neigbourhood kids …
THE BIRDS ARE BACK
THE GRASS IS GREEN
GOD DID IT AGAIN
Despite our repeated prayers to the contrary.
Church meeting tonight to decide just what the fuck we’re going to do about this.
I just wonder why they don’t mention all the birds and grass that died over the winter.
THE BIRDS ARE BACK
THE GRASS IS GREEN
GOD DID IT AGAIN
(Dammit, now we don’t have
an excuse for being depressed)
Well, He is elderly and Jewish, so that would make sense.
The birds are back? Around here they never leave. Whenever I see a robin foraging around in the snow in the middle of winter, I always tell my wife “Look! It’s the first robin of spring!” 
A Particle Accelerator
And though The Early Bird might get the worm,
The Second Mouse Always gets the cheese
This is why I wish I didn’t like cats
Dogs think, you love me, you feed me, you take me for nice walks, You’re God
Cats think, you love me, you feel me up, i piss on your shit and you still do those things, I’m God
My humor is generally phlegmatic. Eh, the OP can have it if he wants it, I guess.
Open up the door, it’s Dave!
More succinctly – the early worm gets the bird.