I sometimes say “Hi!” instead of “Hello,” which sometimes leads to an automatic response when people are expecting “How are ya?” and “Hi” sounds close enough:
“Hi!”
“Fine, and you?”
In my world manners are a way of acknowledging that the people around me are fellow human beings. I think they’ve been around since the first accidental encounter of a stranger and touch us at the gut level of friend or foe.
I wouldn’t get too hung up on whether you are indicating that you are being controlled in some way by some nonexistent entity if you use them. You can make the choice to develop an inner locus of control and then it won’t bother you so much.
No one will ever know if you are that compassionate, empathetic individual unless you signal it to them in some way. If on the other hand, you are a person who really doesn’t like other people and doesn’t care to be bothered by them, by all means don’t be a phony. People can spot that. Let your inside and outside match.
Out in the sticks of Southern MN where I grew up people wave to you at sixty-five miles an hour as your cars pass. Whether they recognize you or not. To me that says, “We’re friendly here so don’t worry if you get a flat. Someone will help.” To me that’s home the way it should be.
As Monstro pointed out, he never said the South was the only place where is was not consdered rude to speak to strangers. In other cultures it can be. To answer your request for a cite, from here:
In some cultures, jumping to conclusions could be considered rude 
I think the most important rules are not to take offense when you don’t need to, not to leap to conclusions, not to judge when it’s something that doesn’t matter, and just be pleasant. You aren’t hurting me if you don’t ask me how I am, so why would I behave as if I am being hurt? And if I don’t like the results I’m getting from one mode of behavior, I should either change my behavior or change my expectations. Those are my two options.
I go hiking out on a series of trails nearby, and you never can tell if people want to exchange “Howdys” or if they’d rather just walk alone in silence. You just can’t tell.
So, to be polite, I mutter a quick “Howdy” and, in most cases, they say “Howdy” back. Every so often, someone will stop and want to chat. (I love it! “Nice weather!” “Have you been up the four-mile trail?” “Nifty hat!” “What an adorable dog!” etc.)
Once in a while, the other guy will stop, make a big production of taking the ear-buds out of his ears, and say, “Huh? What was that?” Best I can do is a sheepish look and “I just said ‘Howdy.’” The guy might frown a bit, say, “Oh,” replace the ear-buds, and walk away. Maybe slightly huffish.
And once in a while, the other guy will just walk right on by and make no response at all. The cut direct.
Nobody (till yet) has actually taken offense. I hope it never happens to me!
I took offense.
Where I used to live in Miami and northern NJ, saying “hi” to people you pass by generally isn’t done. It’s not that people are mean in these places. It’s just that people who don’t know you don’t feel compelled to say “hello” to you if you’re merely passing by each other. If you make eye contact, maybe you smile. But you don’t really try to make eye contact either. People ain’t got time for that.
So for the eight years that I lived away from the"hi, howyadoin’" custom of my roots, I got acclimated to this way of relating to strangers.
I wasn’t even aware that this had happened until I returned to the South and suddenly everyone was speaking to me. I’d be walking down the street, minding my own business, and people would say hi to me from their front porches. If I was walking into a store and someone was walking out, they’d say hi to me. In my self-absorbed way, I thought they (the guys…because usually guys do it more than women) were hitting on me. I was offended by their friendliness because it seemed fake to me.
Then it dawned on me that I was back in the South, where “speaking” is a custom. So I relaxed and re-learned how to smile and say hello back. (I still walk fast sometimes and fold my pizza slices, though.)
Lots of people I know who have always lived in the South swear that Northerners are rude and unfriendly. They most certainly are not. It’s just different rules, different customs. And rules are meant to be broken. Sometimes saying hi to random people is the right thing to do. And sometimes it’s not.
When my wife visited New Orleans for a conference (we are from the Pacific Northwest) she returned to Seattle and told me all about the trip, and how it was so weird that people she encountered on the sidewalks smiled and said hello to her. Her reaction initially was “What? Do I know you from somewhere?” After a short time she realized that it was simply the custom to speak to strangers you pass on the street, so she relaxed and got into it. But if you’ve never been to the south, it can seem mighty strange at first. Here on the left coast if a stranger speaks to you on the street it usually means they’re about to hit you up for money.
The village where I used to live (Ohio) was big on speaking, too. You just didn’t walk past people without saying something.
Here (LA) I usually smile or nod if it’s not a busy sidewalk.
I think I love you (platonically, anyway). If I could find this done in needlepoint I would buy it immediately.
[QUOTE=jsgoddess]
(snip) if I don’t like the results I’m getting from one mode of behavior, I should either change my behavior or change my expectations. Those are my two options.
[/QUOTE]
I know we’ve had this argument before, but even if you lower your expectations, jerkish behavior is still jerkish. Your attitude as expressed here seems to give everyone the option of acting like a jerk and making it your fault if you don’t like it. I really don’t get that (obviously).
Roddy
If I refuse to let the little stuff bother me (and I usually do refuse to) then I don’t care if they are being “jerkish.” Or, rather, is it being jerkish if no one is bothered by it? I’m not out to police other people’s behavior.