If one or more of your kids is over 21, and still living with you , or moved back after fininshing or dropping out of school (or for some other reason), does it bother you? Why are they still at home? Would you rather they be on their own? If so, have you told them so?
Speaking for my parents, I guess. 
I was 24 and living at home a few months ago. I finished my BA in December 1999, and had worked at the university since. My parents didn’t mind that I was at home, and they never asked or talked to me about moving out; in fact, they encouraged me to stay as long as I needed to. If I hadn’t moved, I’d probably have lived there for as long as another year or two.
There were a lot of reasons they wanted me to stay. First, the economy in Hawaii wasn’t great and hadn’t been for a while (and it still sucks). Good jobs are hard to come by, and the cost of living is high. A fresh-out-of-college, twentysomething-year-old kid still living with his folks is commonplace, if not the norm. Second, my mom left home under less-than-ideal circumstances and subsequently struggled to get herself up on her feet, so she wanted my own departure to be when I was prepared financially, emotionally, and mentally. Third, I’m an only child, and we’re not particularly close with a lot of relatives, so I think keeping our family unit under one roof was important to both my parents. And finally, even though they now joke about renting my old bedroom out, it wasn’t like they needed the space. According to them, the house now feels too big and empty without me.
If you wanted to live at my parents house you either had to work (and not pay rent) or goto school. Otherwise you had to get the f%$k out!
I must say being brought up like that; it bothered me severely when I married my ex and she had a son that was 20 at the time and didn’t do either of those things. He just sat around on his ass all day and did nothing. and she put up with it! for crying out loud! She was too soft hearted to kick him out on his ass. Which is exactly what I would have done if it were up to me. (with ample warning and time to get a job of course)
:sigh: if only she knew she was doing more harm than good by being soft hearted like that. He’s 24 now and just starting to go back to school. Better late than never I guess. I’m just curious whats he gonna say when he interviews for a job and they ask him what the hell he did between the ages of 18 and 24…“oh I took a six year vacation…”:rolleyes:
I loathe having an adult child living at home. Money is the reason he’s still here (believe me, if I won the lottery I’d be setting him up in his own place quick smart). Yes, I would far and away prefer he had independent living space. Yes, he’s aware of that.
I lived at home from March until earlier this month, when I finally moved to PA.
There were several factors in place. First, I was pregnant and without Airman close by. I needed the support of my parents in his absence.
Second, there were economic considerations. The only way I could afford to take any kind of maternity leave was if I didn’t have rent or utilities to pay. My parents didn’t charge me for any of that, allowing me to have enough money for Aaron’s clothes and other things.
Third, Airman was in training, first in Basic, then in Tech school. He was not in a position to bring me to either place, nor was I in a position to move to PA sooner, as much as I would have liked to.
There were some conflicts between me and my mother, but those were worked out. (Mostly, it was my hormones and her borderline personality clashing.)
Robin
My kids were out of the house at 18. They all (three) went on to college. They would sometimes come home for summers, but for the most part stayed close to their respective schools. My youngest daughter (23) just left hoem after spending the summer with us. She graduated last may and spent the summer looking for a real job. She found a good job and is out. My oldest is 29 and she is getting married and will hopefully instill some of the values we gave her with her kids.
Basically, all my kids knew before they went to college, if they needed money it would be there, but they must work for it.
Case in point, my son (middle child) needed a new transmission his sophomore year in college. When he called me, I thought it over and we worked an arrangement out. He primed and painted the house, and I bought him a new transmission. Now he got the money before the work was done but I trusted him.
It’s not tough love if they know whats coming.
And asking a kid to leave and get a job and appartment is not always a bad thing to do. All my kids waited tables or some other such job for years. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Hey I’m 30 and I live at home with my parents! My parents actually like me! And I like them give or take the odd problem here or there…this is my home, it didn’t stop being my home just because I hung around long enough on this planet to be a big old overrated old adult!
I just don’t get this “throw 'em out the moment they turn 18” mentality. If you want to get rid of them so bad why have 'em in the first place?
There should be more extended family living in the same house. There would be less pressure on the environment and less countryside disappearing every year 'cause everyone over a certain age just has to have Gosh Jolly Jeepers! thier own house!!! whether there is any need for it or not.
All I know is, if I lived on my own (which I can’t afford anyway so it is moot) I would be very lonely and scared (making friends was never my greatest talent sigh). This idea that you have to live on your own simply because of a number (Age) is mystifying to me.
Shine on you crazy diamonds! But I won’t never understand…
I’m 23 and living at home, attending school full time as an undergraduate. I’m still an undergrad because I needed to take time off for medical reasons.
Part of the reason that I still live at home is that my parents and I get along well - they have no particular desire to hurry me out before I finish my schooling.
They also know that I probably couldn’t afford to move out with the money I’d make at jobs I can currently get. They know that I work dilligently at school & take on tutoring jobs for extra money - I’m not a slacker.
There’s also the difficulty with finding reasonably-priced, totally wheelchair accessible housing. That’s a real corker.
I’ll probably move out upon finding a teaching job when I graduate with my Master’s in three years.
Well Lass over the years folkways and mores have changed, what you are describing is a fading notion in the 21st century. Not soly unheard of, obviously, but an idea more and more people consider not even an option. Some people want to leave the house, make an impresssion in the world, while on their own. See that they can do it on their own and taking the good with the bad as it comes along. Also, if you read my posty earlier, you’d see all of my kids are out of the house.
My wife and I worked our butts off to have the things we do. W
Well Lass over the years folkways and mores have changed, what you are describing is a fading notion in the 21st century. Not soly unheard of, obviously, but an idea more and more people consider not even an option. Some people want to leave the house, make an impresssion in the world, while on their own. See that they can do it on their own and taking the good with the bad as it comes along. Also, if you read my post earlier, you’d see all of my kids are out of the house.
My wife and I worked our butts off to have the things we do. We have recently built our dream house and damn I’m only 58. We love our kids, of course we do. But we have different interests than they do. All of them want to raise a family again, and frankly my wife and I love the quite privacy.
And we don’t have to worry about the kids coming home at night if we want to … you know… 
…anywhere we please.
I respect your position. It must be nice to live in such an open loving house where you are comfortable with your parents and they are comfortable with you.
But I am sure you understand there are people out there that want to have a house of their own, kids, husband, wife, freedom to do what they wish with out mom and dad.
I have no idea what happened. Sorry for the decapitated post.
URGGHHH!!!
Like AudreyK’s mom, my grandmother left home at 17 under difficult circumstances and never received any support, financial or otherwise, from her parents afterwards. Consequently her home was always open to her children and grand children. Usually those who lived at home did so due to financial or marital difficulties; my army wife aunt needed a place to stay with her children while they waited for housing, an uncle after he lost a job, a cousin lived with her when he didn’t have anywhere else to go while he finished high school, and I lived with her until age 19 and returned for several months with my husband between graduating from college and moving to another state. She has said many times she wishes we had never left her. We will probably end up living together again soon (in fact, she is coming to stay with me once I give birth this winter), as she is getting older and frailer, but mostly because we just enjoy each other’s company. Its unfortunate extended family living under the same roof is considered something to be ashamed of in the U.S. It’s probably not for everyone, but it works with my family.
I realize getting that most people on these boards aren’t old enough to be in the situation I describe. And I’m not interested in replies of 20-30-somethings who are still at home and are confident their parents are ok with it.
I’m interested in what the parents think. I have friends in their mid-40s-50s who have kids at home, and are not happy with the situation. None have asked their kids to leave, or even suggested it. After all, they love their kids and want to support them in any way possible. But in a perfect world, their kids would be living elsewhere.
What I’d like to find out is if this attitude is the norm or the exception.
I was married and out of the house before I was 19, so my parents didn’t have this problem with me:
Both my oldest and second oldest (now 21 & 19) thought they were moving back in after they found out they didn’t know everything like they thought they did and that the rat race is a bitch. Problem for them was, my wife and I sold our large house, pocketed the profit, and moved into one our investment houses that we had been renting out (a 2 bedroom). The wife and I had huge fights about them moving in here. The smart asses told us we were fucked and that living at home sucked when they moved out, so I certainly didn’t want either crawling back.
I won! And they are both the better for it. Having to stick it out and pay rent/bills and get up for work every day and not have mommy and daddy to fall back on turned my oldest into a man real quick. My daughter just decided it was easier to shack up with some bum, but she is staying in school, and it’s her life and as long as it isn’t happening in my house, then it isn’t any of my businesses.
In less than 9 months were going to have a huge fight over my youngest living here. Doesn’t anyone join the Army after high school any more?
There’s definitely a trend in Australia towards children staying at home for longer periods and establishing independent living arrangements at a later age.
I would say that many parents around my age envisaged their children leaving home somewhere between the ages of 18 and 21, and returning home for short periods when between houses, between jobs, or similar.
With double degrees becoming the norm for students, casual employment becoming the the norm for those who are working, and rental accommodation in large cities becoming increasingly expensive, it’s understandable that adult children would prefer to defer moving out of the family home and into an independent living space.
In our home, my adult child exercising that preference impacts significantly on the other members of the household - financially and otherwise.
I say let them stay until they are 23. Everyone deserves at least 2 years where they can legally drink and still mooch off their parents.
The legal drinking age here is 18. 
From the time our Perfect Child[sup]TM[/sup] could understand, we’ve been telling her that once she hits18, she’s outta here! Our plan was to sell the house, move aboard the boat and live happily and childlessly ever after - as far as she knew.
In reality, she’s going off to college, and my husband and I will sell the house and build a smaller one for our retirement. We want to live in Southern Maryland - the kid doesn’t want to leave Florida. However, we will have a room for her and if she should get a job near where we live, we’d have no problem with her living with us. But she’d not live there as a child - she’d be a contributing adult member of the household. We’d work out division of labor and expenses.
Even if she does stay put in the Sunshine State, we’ll help her out when we can, but she knows that we expect her to be an independent adult. And I’m pretty sure she’s looking forward to that herself.
Of course it did!
I LOVE my kids (who are both in college) but, it’s my responsibility, as a parent, to “encourage” maturity and independence. IMO, since I chose to have children, It’s my DUTY to do everything I can to make them ready for the adult world. I think that the longer children stay at home, the less likely they are to be prepared for that world.
Having said that, if they needed to stay at home (for a legitimate reason), I certainly wouldn’t refuse them. I would, however, make sure they were taking aggressive steps to remedy the situation.
My stepson spent over a year living here and not going to school, not holding a job for more than a couple of months, not willingly helping around the house…
We kicked him out.
He’s had the same job now for 9 months, he spent a while with a roommate and then moved in with his grandma, where he helps out a lot. He’s welcome to visit here any time and hang out…he was here last night getting a taste of the Unreal Tournament 2003 demo.
There’s compassion and familial responsibility, and then there’s enabling an extended adolescence. I’ll exercise the former; I will not participate in the latter.