Dos and Don'ts for dealing with Death

[VunderBob]

@FairyChatMom

Amen to this. At my dad’s viewing, our mood went to both extremes. At one point, I was with my youngest sister and my husband, standing aside, looking at Dad laid out in his tuxedo. My sister said something to the effect that we should have dressed him in one of this t-shirts that looks like a tux, and propped up a sign that said “I’m dead and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”

Yeah, we cracked up. And Dad would have also - we shared the same sense of humor. I’m sure there were those tsk-tsking behind our backs. Like we cared - we were coping as we felt necessary. Humor really helped.

I tried pulling two different jokes on behalf of my mother when she died. One was successful, the other not.

My mother was a person who was constantly late for everything. I tried bribing the hearse driver to get lost on the way to the cemetery, so Helen would be late for her own funeral. Unfortunately, the mortuary wouldn’t go for it.

The successful one is a lot better, and anyone who really knew Mom gets it immediately; the others just look and say ‘how sweet’. Mom was a big fan of naughty nursery rhymes, and her favorite was:

• Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
  how does your garden grow?
  With silver bells and cockleshells,
  and one goddamned tulip. *

When my sister and I ordered her headstone, we specified one tulip, between the dates.

[ivylass]

You guys have given me a lot of wonderful advice and ideas. Fortunately, we live fairly close, about a 45 minute drive away, and knowing Mum, she will keep the house clean because that’s how she deals with stress. So maybe I’ll toss some of those paper holes from the hole punch to keep her happy.

Thanks again…you guys are the best!

[OtakuLoki]

@j66

Don’t be afraid to say nothing. Silence is fine.
Stupid statements, like ‘It’s a blessing it’s finally over’, are not.

Just a comment, here. My grandfather died after years of Alzheimer’s, and when he finally passed away it was a blessing. Or more accurately, when the body finally died, it was, as my grandfather had been gone for years. Likewise, my friend’s mother just passed away this last Christmas season, after being cared for by my friend and his wife. She suffered from CJD, and again, he told ME it was a blessing it was finally over.

I don’t think it’s something that you can say to someone else about their loss, but don’t be surprised, or offended, if you hear it.

[Dogzilla]

I don’t have much new advice to share here, so I’ll just share my experience from last year. We lost my gramma at age 87 last May, from a heart attack. (In fact, I got the contract on my house the exact same day she died.) My entire family is in Ohio, so I could do nothing until I got myself on a plane.

I went to work the next morning as usual. Then I called my secretary into my office, burst into tears and asked her to find me a flight up north and reserve a car for me. She took care of everything, including sending flowers to the funeral home from my staff. Brilliant assistant, that one. She was channeling Edith Bunker, but I really appreciated her that day.

When I got to Gramma’s house (Mom lives there with Grampa), the place was a wreck. Her flowerbeds, which used to be tended meticulously, were a wreck. I looked at my mom and my sister and said, “Jesus, if Gramma saw this kitchen, she’d have a freaking heart att…” And stopped mid-sentence, realizing what I’d said. Both burst out into hysterical laughter.

The rest of the week I stayed up there, I dusted and vacuumed everything – since tons of people would be coming over. I received the many many platters of food and casseroles that people sent – and marked the containers so mom would know what went back to whom. I answered the phone. I cooked for Grampa. I did the dishes. Helped mom with laundry. In fact, I did all of Gramma’s chores.

When all was said and done, I tackled her flowerbeds. I tore apart the potted plants people had sent and planted them in her flowerbeds. Pruned the roses, mulched, weeded and finally got the place looking as though she had been out there gardening yesterday.

I understand it gave my Grampa great comfort to step outside and see perfectly tended flowerbeds. We are not an openly affectionate family, so it was my way of telling him I love him (and also a way to connect with Gramma since I was the only family member not present at her passing) and his repeated “You did a good job” comments were his way of reciprocating.

The last anecdote, which just illustrates what kind of family I’m from: After the funeral, the funeral director came by with all the flowers and some paperwork, which he gave to my uncle. Uncle Bob comes into the kitchen (where we all were having dessert), waving a piece of paper. “Look here,” he said, “According to this, we get a 25-year guarantee on the concrete box the coffin is in. I say we make 'em dig her up in 24 years to make good on our guarantee.” We were howling. Cracking jokes is good, if that’s how you cope. Keeping busy is good, if that’s how you cope.

You’ve already gotten a load of great advice, so I’ll end by saying our hearts and thoughts are with you.

[j666]

@OtakuLoki

I don’t think it’s something that you can say to someone else about their loss, but don’t be surprised, or offended, if you hear it.

That was my point, really; it’s practically de rigeur for a close family member to say, ‘a blessing her suffering is over’, ‘a blessing she went to quickly’, whatever; but I don’t think its a good way to try to offer comfort. It drove me batshit.

[OtakuLoki]

Sorry I misunderstood, j66. And, believe me, I’d be torqued too if a stranger was telling me about the blessings of my loss.

[j666]

NP, I just didn’t want to sound like a jerk.

[jweb]

Speaking of the unexpected:

Grandpa was much more of a practical joker then Grandma was. I think he pulled his final practical joke when Grandma died (he had passed away about 4 years earlier). They were buried side-by-side at the cemetary, but when we buried Grandma they had to dig a huge hole because her plot contained a 10x5x4 foot rock. Apparently it missed Grandpa’s plot by about 2 inches. I’m told it took them 3 backhoes to get the thing out of the way. We have a picture of parents, my two siblings and I standing next to ‘Grandma’s rock’. I kept telling my parents that they should use the picture as that year’s Christams card.

[Noelq]

First of all, let me offer my sympathies. And I do agree with everything everybody has had to say on this topic.

If I may, I would like to make one small suggestion. If your father-in-law is still mentally active, you may want to go through family pictures and have him identify any of the older photos that may not be identified. This will accomplish two things - first, it will help your family history to remain intact, and secondly, give him a chance to think about happier times. It may also help your mother-in-law remember the happier times. Also, at the funeral, it can be a very moving tribute to put up a poster-board with a history of your father-in-law to help people remember the happy times, plus give the guests something to reminisce about as the eulogy progresses.