Double Negative...Private Eye. Chapter 1.

My name is Negative. Double Negative. I don’t carry no gun.

You might not have never heard of my detective agency. It’s located directly above the Department of Redundancy Division, on Penny Lane. It’s not the least expensive place I couldn’t afford to set up shop, but it’ll do for now.

You don’t meet a lot of unsavory characters in the business. Mostly the other kind. I was standing next to my filing cabinet, busy wasting time. There was a knock on the doorbell.

“Enter.” P.I.'s like to be cool like that. Especially when they don’t have nothing else going on, other than cleaning their guns.

The first thing I noticed was legs. Legs that went clear up to her waist. That’s how I like them. Long, strong legs, smooth, and with clean lines. Nothing ain’t no better.

She came to a stop in front of my desk. “Are you Double Negative? The best P.I. that money buy?”

“Positively,” I summed up. She was a dish. The kind that don’t bother not staying outside. I summoned her in.

“Who aren’t you?”, I asked.

"Di Minier, " she replied in a husky voice, not entirely unlike my ex-wife’s.

“Well, Miss Di Minier, what’s the problem?”

“My Husband. He’s been put away for theft.”


“Yes. Di Minier is my maiden name,” she replied. “How did you know?” Already, I was onto this dame like it wasn’t the same story I haven’t heard before a million times.

I lit a cigarette. “Major Felony. It’s been in the papers, lady. Did you not think I wouldn’t know about it?”

“I had to take that chance. You were the lowest priced detective in town.”

It was true. I don’t charge low rates because I don’t like not having money. I needed a job, so I asked for more information.

“So, you’re not hiding out from the real criminals, aren’t you?”

She paused for a moment, working the sentence over in her head. She was a classy broad, but didn’t seem to have nothing upstairs.

She looked up and said, “I know that if I can find the real thieves, we can get my husband out of the pen.”

I pressed her again for details. That’s what P.I.'s do. I moved in closer, and said, “Where you were the night the emporer’s chalice was stolen?” My cigarette had burned out. I lit a fresh one, and looked at her.

“What the hell are you talking about?” She was confused. That’s how I like my women.

“Just testing you. I’ll get on the case tonight. Shall we discuss my fee?”

She took the cigarette from my hand. Wrapped her lips around it, and took a drag. She blew smoke out through her pursed lips, directly at my face. Yeah, she was tough. “I can pay whatever it takes to get Major out.”

“Cool. I’ll contact you.”

She left the office, her heels beating quick time on the tile floor. Me, I slipped into my trenchcoat, and hit the street.

To Be Continued…

Not uninteresting! :wink:

Warning: Do not read this if you have a headache.

Owwww… Head explodes

You’re just tormenting us cos you couldn’t pluck up the courage to go get your ciggys!


This was worth the time I didn’t spend not reading it!


I am not unconfused!