Which is why it bugs the shit out of me when people describe people with Down Syndrome as “loving” and “sweet.” Most people with mental handicaps are childlike, which we do tend to associate with sweet lovingness. But people with DS can be jerks just like anyone else. At least with “normal” jerks, you can kick them out of your house if they get to be too much.
Personally, I don’t blame anyone for aborting a DS fetus. People don’t have children simply to have someone to love and care for (kittens and puppies are great for this). And love often isn’t enough to make everything okay in the end. More than a few parents with severely disabled kids have committed suicide because the burdens placed on them are too great.
I had a client who had Down Syndrome , he was 50 yo and living with his
90 years old mother . I wanted to asked what will happen to her son if she dies first . The son did have a heart attacked and his mother had to take care of him
alone. I would tell the fiancé she should start saving her money to care for her child in the long run . My client was lucky his mother lived to 90 yo otherwise
he could had been locked up in a psych ward or nursing home .
I can remember the mom telling me right in front of her son she didn’t expect
to taking care of her child at 90 yo . People with Down Syndrome can get a job as a bagger at a store . Stores get a tax break for hiring people with disability.
This is really up the parents to work out on their own . I hope everyone will
welcome the child and never tell the child that they wanted him/her aborted .
My ex sister in law told her twins daughters she tried to abort them and it was so vicious
Yes, just ignore that these days many more people with Downs are becoming either semi or entirely independent, able to hold down jobs and be less of a drain than in the past, able to engage in self-care, and otherwise helped to be as independent as possible.
Or do you value people solely on the size of their paycheck?
Our society actually wealthy enough to take care of a few people with Downs… if we choose to be that generous.
I used to work with a woman whose son, who is now in his mid 20s, has Down’s, and she posted on Facebook a while back that she and her husband, who gave up his own career to be a SAHD, have been asked many times if they had ever considered abortion. First of all, that’s none of their business, and in their case, the answer was no. He was planned, and they didn’t know he was disabled until he was born, and even if they had known, and known what they were getting into, they still would have had him. She said, “We love him, and will do anything for him.”
She added that if anyone ever came to her asking what to do, she would recommend against abortion, but admitted that even though she is a devout Catholic, she cannot make that decision for anyone else.
Their daughter has 3 children of her own, and refused all prenatal testing other than for things that affected her, like the routine diabetes screening, and she did have a few sonograms to rule out unrelated issues.
Among other things, because they may get early-onset; the situation is not quite the same as for someone who’s already retired by the time they get dementia. A friend of my mother’s has 11 children, of which #10 has Down’s: mother (late 80s) and son (early 50s) have developed dementia almost simultaneously. The family is as close-knit as it is large, they are both well cared for. That son has always lived with his mother, but he’s had to get early retirement (he worked at a bookbinding company where most of the workers are officially disabled); one of the sisters told me that finding something for him to do that he can think of as “his new job” has helped a lot to make him feel better about the situation and therefore be more willing to accept instructions. His new job(s) include making sure that his mother takes his medications and taking care of the garden.
My BFF’s uncle was the last of 9 kids (his dad was #2) and when he was born ca. 1950, his parents were urged to put him into an institution and tell everyone that he died. They said, “NO WAY!” and kept him at home with them until his dad died, at which time his mom realized that he might outlive her, plus she really couldn’t look after him full time by herself. Because none of the siblings were in a position where they could take him into their own homes, he got him into a group home, which was almost as painful for her as finding out he was disabled, but he did very well and was happy there until he too developed Alzheimer’s, at which time he moved into a nursing home and died about 10 years ago. He had a happy life, which was productive in its own way.
Far from an expert, but my understanding is that because of the genetic nature of DS and Altzheimer’s, the DS community is FAR more likely to develop Altzheimer’s than the general public. At least that solves the problem of identifying an appropriate population for the testing of Altzheimer preventatives!
Thanks, especially for the heart defect info. Nothing I’ve found on line supports the idea of the baby not surviving delivery. I understand that hospital people want to prepare folks for the worst, but this is kind of cruel IMHO.
My guess is that they might do a planned c-section (my daughter’s second child was delivered by emergency c-section just 13 months ago) because of pre-eclampsia. She still has the pregnancy-related high blood pressure, and I would think a c-section might be easier for the new baby’s heart to deal with. But then I’m not a doctor.
And what if at say age 5 they have an accident and get injured and then are left brain damaged and just as incapable as a person with Downs? Do we let them die?
There are few people who would knowingly date someone who has a mental impairment, even a slight one. But once you make a commitment to be with someone, as in a marriage, then you accept that if this person later develops a mental impairment, you’ll stick by them. Because you’ve got an obligation to that person.
I see having children the same way. Knowing a child that you’ve not yet bonded with, who exists only in the abstraction, will be disabled, potentially severely so, is very different from accepting that an existing child you’ve already bonded and connected with may later become disabled.
I saw this quite a bit when I was in clinical training and that cute little Down’s Syndrome baby is going to grow up to be a hulking teen ageer, with all the moodiness and sexual desires and problems a teen ager has plus this enormous disability added on.
Add to that virtually everything you have will be sacrificed for that child and that includes leaning on your siblings. I have seen it far too often of parents who regret it. I have seen parents swear they’d never trade their children only to come to terms 20 years later admitting they were wrong.
If you have financial resources to cope you will be in a much better position. That means a babysitter and caregiver or halfway house after adulthood and can afford it, then you’ll be in a better position.
Now that said, some people believe all life has quality and meaning and are prepared to stand by that and live it. If you happen to be one of these, than having the baby is by all means the right choice. Just make darn well sure you’re prepared to sleep in that bed you made, and sleep in it by yourself.
The fiance if the relationship falls apart is going to find it rough going trying to find another partner with a child, any child. As for the OP, what happens if the grandkids die? Who is going to provide? I hope they have plenty of expensive life insurance.
Bottom line: This is a doable proposition IF you are the right type of person and IF you have the finances and IF you carefully plan. The first thing to do when you have a situation like this is to investigate all possibilities. Both parties should visit places with adults with the condition and seek support from parents of such children and adult children especially.
I strongly believe that everyone has a place in the world, and one’s mental capacity is not what determines if one lives a meaningful and worthwhile life. We all come in with different path and different challenges.
This may induce some rolleyes, but I was moved by a memoir I read once by someone working in Mali. She was a mother of an adult with DS, and she noticed some kids in the community she was living in with it. She tried to bring it up in a conversation, but the parents didn’t really get it. They had known their kids were different, but hadn’t processed that difference as a bad thing. They were just different.
But it’s hard, and I don’t blame any parent who chooses not to take that on.
Your guess would be right. But I don’t know how this challenges my argument in any way. The love one feels for a embryo or fetus is not typically of the same nature as the love one feels for a nascent, conscious, huggable, kissable offspring who has a face and name. Sure, there are many who will bond with an embryo or fetus. But quite a lot of people don’t. Hence, why abortion isn’t a traumatic experience for the majority of women who undergo the procedure.