Abortion and it wouldn’t really be a very tough decision. I’ve had an abortion. I know what that’s like. I had one at 15. Had a child at 19 and it was much more traumatic. Miscarriage in my 20s that was sad but not really traumatic. Another child in my 30s that was about as traumatic as the first. We can generally make more babies, and if we can’t do that, we can foster and adopt babies. Why we think every fetus must be saved even at the risk of severe birth defects I do not understand. I know the bond. I experienced fetal bond. I experienced a loss. I experienced raising two daughters with special needs, my youngest with autism. I’m glad I didn’t abort them. I considered it but it just felt right to not abort at the time.
If my husband (rhetorical) didn’t want me to abort I’d probably be facing a divorce.
But this is all MY opinion about MY body. That’s the way it should always be though. Our choice.
Of course the choice is hers. And it is just that, a choice. She has the same right to carry that baby to term as any pregnant woman (and the same right not to, of course). Any society worth its salt takes care of its most vulnerable members. I couldn’t possibly begrudge any financial benefits such a child would receive over the course of his/her life. In fact, I think we don’t do enough to support people with disabilities or their families (to put it very mildly indeed). It’s criminal, actually, the financial strains that families experience when a child is born with a disability. The emotional toll is hard enough, even without the constant grinding financial pressures that most families in this situation face.
If I were in the shoes of the woman in the OP, I don’t honestly know what I would do. I think I would probably choose an abortion. But I’m not really sure, never having had to face such a decision. It would be an agonizing decision for me, I’m certain of that.
I am raising 2 special needs kids. One may never live on his own. I would suggest that the parents to be visit a few group homes with DS residents. One with children and one with adults. See for themselves the reality of what they’ll be living with. Consider that it’s forever; more final than marriage. Once that child is born there are no days off, no vacations. As the child gets older, they will have to deal with the disabilities and all of regular throes of becoming a teenager. Temper tantrums in an adult body is just the tip of the iceberg.
I cannot imagine not having my children, now that they are here. But I never, ever imagined that life would be so hard. This isn’t a game and it’s not about principles. My advice is that they try and walk in the shoes of the parents they will be before they decide anything.
I reckon they should cancel the wedding. If she doesn’t have his complete love and support in this, a very bitter seed will be sown in their relationship. Also, the child deserves only parents who want her.
I would like to add that nearly every kid I have known has had SOME issue. That can be ADHD, ADD, autism, asperegers, heart murmers, kidney problems, diabetes, food allergies, etc… Sometimes whatever it is doesnt kick in till puberty. It seems almost every kid has some issue.
Are you thinking that allergies are less bad? My niece is alive because her mother always carries epi-pens in her Black Doctor’s Bag; if it wasn’t for that, we would have lost her at age 3 to her first taste of flat fishes.
My wife, for one, would vehemently disagree with that statement. IME, I would say that ‘typically’ women do feel the same love for their fetus.
On exactly the same level in utero as out. Just stressing the point.
I’m not sure how you arrive at that conclusion. A recent study did indicate that the vast majority of women who had an abortion did not regret the decision up to 3 years later, but that type of study is always open to recall bias - and people often don’t like to admit regrets. Also, “regret” is very different from “traumatic experience”. Well over half the women in that study indicated that the decision was difficult to very difficult, which indicates that the decision at least could have been traumatic (a deeply distressing or disturbing experience). Other studies have shown women who have had an abortion are up to 8 times more likely to commit suicide than women who gave birth - but correlation is not necessarily causation. There are an abundance of anecdotes on each side. I don’t think we’ll ever be able to accurately quantify the impact.
I find it very disturbing that a person could love a fetus the same way they love a conscious, conversant, personality-having, huggable person. It confirms to me that love is completely irrational and has no place in an argument like this one.
But even if your wife truly loves fetuses exactly like her fully formed children, your wife’s feelings do not refute my point that people in general do not relate to a fetus the same way that they relate to a child that’s already been born. Many people feel an obligation to care for a fetus, regardless of whether the pregnancy was planned. But many people also do not feel this sense of obligation. If this were not the case, abortion wouldn’t be a thing.
Um, you’re basically saying you don’t agree with the evidence because you don’t trust people to tell the truth about their own feelings. Thus, I’m guessing there are no studies that you would accept, since they’re all going to be based on self-reporting.
As long as we’re critiquing everything, I think it’s fair to wonder if a lot of the negative feelings that women face post-abortion are due, at least in part, to the shame placed on them by others. Of course the decision is a tough one to make when you have to wade through throngs of protestors waving graphic posters. And then there’s the smugness from mothers and fathers who think that because they loved their precious little blastulas from Day 1, that means everyone must too. Why wouldn’t this kind of pressure make someone second-guess their decision?
I believe women who say that their abortions were not major, life-destroying, regretful decisions. I also believe that the vast majority of these women would feel quite traumatized if their nascent, huggable, kissable, face-having, name-possessing children were terminated. Because embryos/fetuses are not the same as children in most people’s view.
It’s funny that you cite your wife’s feelings, but not yours. How come?
Does everyone realize that not all Down Syndrome problems can be overcome? The disease is a premature death sentence, even if the kid can find a way to get by despite the mental retardation. I’ve read most Down Syndrome patients die in their 40s from this nasty form of leukemia.
They are somewhat more prone to leukemia (the incidence is something like 2% vs. 0.01% or whatever for the general population) and that Alzheimer’s-like syndrome is very common too if they live long enough. Most of them are also obese and deal with all the issues which result from that.
Once again, the decision to have this baby ultimately rests with her.
Not my decision. I *think *I know what I would do, but the reality of making that decision while pregnant and for my own child is a whole different animal and I might make the opposite decision.
I do support the parents’ right to make that decision based on their needs and beliefs, and based on factual information from their physician, without interference from any quarter.