Dr Phil, SHUT UP!

The BBQ Pit
1

Maybe he does have a degree, I don’t care! I’m tired of hearing about him.

Don’t say, “Moron, switch the fucking channel,” 'cause you’re gonna hear him anyways. He’s quoted on the radio, clips are played on other shows, your family and friends are gonna say, “Oh, he’s SO right. I mean, my gawd…”

How can anyone think that they’re able able to come to the crux of a problem after a five minute interview?

And the answers he does give…

**AAAAAUUUUURRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

Tie my testicles with fishing line, stick needles in my eyes, peel the skin off my buttocks and make me sit in a salty lemon juice solution while reading jump the shark threads to me with Whitney Houston singing Spanish love songs to a naked Rosie O’Donnel riding a druken emu around my living room!**

*“Sometimes, you just have to yell at the horse.”

“I don’t know you, but I can see that you’re wrong.”

“If you’re hysterical, it’s historical.”

“You need to step off the love train and find a real job.”*

God Damn it to Hell on a fucking puke stick covered in rancid ferret meat grease! What the fuck are you telling these people?

Sometimes, I have to work on a project ( I remodel ) while people are home, watching this festering boil in a ill fitting suit ruining someone’s life for the sake of Oprah’s ego ( which will be eclipsing the sun in a few days, visible to Ausie Dopers, G’Day y’all ) and to hear his own demonic voice on TV.

Can you tell I think not much of him?

I also don’t think much of radio call in shows, Dr. Laura, Dr. Lecter’s Night On the Town, but I’m not quite as annoyed at them. I don’t care much for Dear Abbynormal Landers except as entertainment.

If you have a problem that bad, get real help. Not a five minute fix.

Wow. I feel better!

2

C’mon now NoClueBoy. Out with the jive, in with the love.

3

You’re right, Muad’Dib. [sobbing noises] I’ve been so un-oprah’d. Help me!

BTW, Usal, what do you call that little jumping mouse creature?

4

The show shouldn’t be called “Dr Phil”.

It should be called “Grab a big steaming helping of COMMON SENSE”.

I’ve never seen a display of the moronically obvious in my life.

5

The Dr Phil random quote generator.
…You don’t need to think clearly to grab 'em in the biscuits.

…You don’t need an open mind to skin a gopher.

…You don’t need a horseshoe collection to disgrace your family.

…You don’t need yer Mama to shave a weasel.

6

Has anyone seen David Letterman’s “Dr. Phil’s Daily Words of Wisdom”? He’ll play a 2 second Dr. Phil clip —they all sound like that Dr. Phil generator. The last time I saw it David was chuckling in his smug way and said “I keep waiting for the cease and desist order but it never comes.”

7

Does anyone else think Dr. Phil sounds sort of like Ross Perot’s love-child?

8

I think Dr. Phil sounds too much like Bill Clinton.

9

beagledave, that is a Great Link.

You don’t need your Uncle Groucho to wish I would shut up.

You don’t need anyone or anything to WEEWEEWEE all the way home.

You don’t need to call the Pope to laminate your shirt.

You don’t need to bitch and moan to complain about these kids nowadays.

I don’t watch anything having to do with Oprah, so I don’t know: does he really talk like that? If he does, I MUST begin viewing this show. It’d be a great comedy.

10

Does anyone else think that Dr. Phil looks like Hank Kingsly on The Larry Sanders Show?

11

You don’t need to rob a bank to fall in love with an asshole.

You don’t need a feeble grandma to jump in the lake.

You don’t need pepper spray to poop on a cracker.

You don’t need the clap to get all uppity.
Pure genius!

12

So I’m generating Dr. Phil quotes and I’m thinking: I would love to see the show in which that quote could be used.

You don’t need the Big Bang Theory to treat yourself to a tasty shake.
Astrologist wishes to divorce wife who has gained 200 lbs due to McDonald’s advertising.

You don’t need brainpower to leave your cares behind.
Girl contemplates suicide when she discovers she’s as dumb as a post.

You don’t need a mop to steal your neighbor’s porn.
Too many scenarios. . … Com’on Phil, get cracking on this one.

13

Ho My…:eek:

14

True. And he would be and IS the first to say it. (Only without the “moronically” part.)

15

Hey, i like abbynormal Landers!!! I dont really pay much attention to their responses (heck, I could probably guess what they will respond)

But, I like to read them as an exercise in “unreliable narration”.

Okay, so-and-so SAYS his neighbor doesnt like him and is anal-retentive because he cant stand the radio to be on at ALL. Now, is this really true, or is the writer a tanktop wearin’ inbred who comes home from work and slugs down a 6pack playing BTO at volume 10?"

16

It’s “Usul.”

For that mistake we will take your water as a gift to the tribe from Shai-Hulud.

17

Is he the one Oprah always has on?

Doesn’t he claim that depression is just because you’re being silly, and you can just be “D’uh! GEt happy!”

Or something?

18

Hey now!

19

Very often when I come into work, the previous shift has Dr. Phil on. I don’t know why. I usually change the channel to the Beverly Hillbillies or something.

20

When you need advice Granny Clampett is the one to turn to…