I get to the lab today and what do I find? Utter chaos! Smoking ruin! And worst of all NO DR. DeDAY!
Sifting through the wreckage of his state-of-the-art Scientific Laboratory, I uncovered his journal, dated today…
As the bearer of black news, I fear the worst. Rue DeDay is dead!
Because of his unpardonable lack of computer security (he never logged out from the LAST TIME HE WILL EVER POST) I am able to relay this to you, his “Dopers”, as he called you.
You may want to leave a kind word here, as a memorial. If you have any clue to the last message “…tell [illegible] I love…” it would be of great consolation to The Institute.
Peace to You in your Hour of Grief
Rudy Day, Lab. Asst.
Dead?! I’m not dead! Rudy, you idiot! You are so fired! I knew I should have hired an Igor like everyone else. And what were you doing on the computer? You’re not allowed to use the computer. You clog up the hard drive with your “research”.
I’m so sorry to scare all you Dopers like that. 203 of you were too choked up with grief to even post. Who knows how many were too devestated just reading the title to even click in to read these despicable lies? But it is nice to know who your real friends are. (Mr. “Pyromanic with a Grudge” Jester, I have my eye on you.)
The lab is still a mess though. SOMEBODY left the Robinson Contribbobulator switched to “asynchonous” (not that I’m naming names, Dr. Moreau). When the bearing overheated, like it ALWAYS DOES, the lubricant came jetting out (acid or blood on my journal, sheesh) and got on the Lab Monkey’s roller skates. Slammed right into the big glassware rack (Victor, is that some king of experiment or just some weird sculpture?), shards are everywhere!
It was just too much. I went to the canteen for a nice cup of tea and a bagle. But they were out. All they had left was Gatorade and English muffins. Ick. So I had to go to the bagle shop. While I was out, I thought I’d swing by Francesca’s to see if she got an anonymous package. (Maybe “Belly Dancing for Dummies” and a Talking Heads: “Favorites of the Middle East” CD) It took me a while to get back to the lab (Fran, you need more lights at your place, and have those shrubs looked at, they don’t offer much conceal… I mean they look like they need some fertilizer.) and then a while to get things cleaned up. (The LAB you perv.)
This is the first chance I’ve had to let you know I’M NOT DEAD!
-Rue (the REAL Rue, who is NOT DEAD)
Whatever you thay, mathter - thall I put you down ath “living” or would “undead” thuffice? My mithtreth, Dr. Mayo (I’m uthing her computer), would like to know when thhe may ecthpect her theventeen dollarth back, and how ith the Thea Monkey ecthperiment going?
You, sir, are obviously an imposter, for I know Dr. Rue DeDay, and, he being of Judaic lineage (not that he practices or even knows this, but that’s not important right now), would certainly know the proper spelling of “bagel!”
I can tell you all right now, Rue was in quite a state when he showed up at my place - there was lubricant all over the man. I’d been idling away my morning artfully arranging the flibberty gibbert and glancing sidelong at the package I had received that morning. It was an odd shape and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what was in it, especially since the return address was Guam.
After a cup of tea, I wiped Rue down and sent him on his way. I’d never diss his combobulator, and god knows it needs him needs him at times like these, but I feel if we’re ever to make a breakthrough then he simply must move beyond the grimilouge stage. He’s on the verge of something brilliant, something masterful, something downright moistening, and yet he continues to fritter his time with the green bubbly liquid.
Money? You want money? You fools! (Actually, aseymayo is a fool. SPOOFE, once again, you are a boob.)
Just try to fight your way through my Army of Mutant Sea Monkeys! Bwa-hahaha! (Get back in your bowl Galactus, the Vegemite is on its way.)
Pay attention Esprix. Bagel? Who, in their right mind, would even consider eating a lump of dough first boiled, then baked, to the… perfect… Heaven-sent consistency… mmmm… NO! Bagel bad! I went out for a bagle. You know, the greasy, gritty mass of chaff and straw with currants…HELP! deepbluesea! Where are you? Doesn’t my unablity to spell even simple words PROVE who I am?
Now, back to the lab with me. I have the Secrets of the Universe to unlock. Let’s see… we take the awsomely muscular body of a gorilla, and we attach a robot head… what could possibly go wrong with this plan… yesss… more green bubbly liquid, that’s the key…
Oh yeah, and the 380 of you people who came in here and couldn’t even say one nice thing when I was DEAD and all… thanks SOOO MUCH! Not that I’m bitter. I’m not bitter, am I Galactus? No, I didn’t think so…
-Rue.
ummmm, glad you’re not dead, Rue. Nice lab coat. But I gotta go, now. I got, er, stuff to do, ya know? Lots of stuff. But I’ll come back and tell you how glad I am about your lack of demise… later… OK?
See? Was that so hard? Now FairyChatMom is my Special Friend. I love you FairyChatMom. Love you, love you, love you. Where ya goin’? Can I come too? So you like the lab coat? I can get you one just like it. We can be TWINS! Wouldn’t that be cool?
I said: wouldn’t that be cool?
WOULDN"T THAT BE COOL?!
Where ya goin’ so fast?! Why d’ya keep knockin’ the furniture into my way?!
OK. Well, see ya later. We’ll do lunch… or something…
(Quickly stuffing the jingly cap between the cushions.)
Well, we’ll just see about that! That’s the last time you’ll ever get any funding from the Mayo Clinique! In fact, henceforth I’m throwing all my support to your brother, Caesar. That’s right, you heard me - from now on all my money goes to Caesar DeDay!
He’s got a much better attitude than you do - and he thinks I look good in motley! So there!