This may be the best thing The Onion has published in the last three years.
Seriously, go read it.
That was awesome.
Sweet Jesus, that was funny. Thanks.
Good stuff. And I still haven’t forgiven Ron Howard for what he did to The Grinch.
I’m sure Seuss never intended any of his (very short) books to be turned into anything beyond a less-than-30-minute animated adaptation. There really is no way a feature-length treatment could remain true to the spirit of the source material.
Besides, going by The Grinch, these adaptations shortchange us in terms of Seuss’s rhyming narrative (which the TV cartoons always preserved).
That’s awesome, especially the end.
The rhyming is good, but the meter is forced in a lot of places. Clearly The Onion does not possess a poet of the good Doctor’s caliber.
Still very funny, though. 
Dr. Seuss was working on a film adaptation of Oh, The Places You’ll Go! for Columbia/Tristar before he died, despite the fact he became disillusioned with Hollywood during the disasterous, delay-filled filming and subsequent critical and commerical failure of The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T.
A number of the lines are too long to fit into a Seussian rhyme scheme properly, and Horton was by no means as much of a cinematical travesty on the level of The Grinch or The Cat, but this may be one of the best- if not the best article that The Onion has ever published. All I can say is that if future film adaptations aren’t as well-done as Horton, Teddy G. may make good on his promise:
<rousing applause> Although I hear the Horton is much better than the first 2 attempts. I loathed The Grinch ala Jim Carrey and couldn’t stand to see even the previews of The Cat in the Hat. Poor Dr Seuss, being sucked of his charm and talent by the Hollywood machine o’ profit.
BTW, have there been any porn adaptations?
Cocks In Fox In Socks?
That was great. I forgive all the forced-meter parts.
Horton was not nearly as good as everyone has been raving. It was good, but it lacked the magic of the books, and even the weaker magic of the 30 minute cartoons.
I was thinking Thidwick the Well-Endowed Moose . . .
Great article.
Anapestic tetrameter! You did that on purpose!
(of talent for scansion, that Seuss had a surplus!)
That was great. I for-**give ** all the forced-meter parts.
Wish I did that on purpose
But I’m not that smart.
*Fox Likes Cocks
Horton Feels A Who
Pop On Top
How The Grinch Stole My Virginity
The Whorax
Oh, The Places You’ll Spunk!*
That Cat’s into Scat
The Cat into Scat Comes on My Back
One Bitch, Two Bitch, Spread Bitch, Poo Bitch
How the Grinch Corn-holed Christy
I Can’t Fuck with My Legs Shut!
Oh the Skanks you can Rank!
There’s a Rocket in My Pocket! (Would You Like to Get on It?)
Horton Hires a Ho
How . . . ? Some Seuss books have plots, but not that one.
That’s very funny! And the rhythm gets noticeably better at the end, starting with the “So to Audrey, you whore,” stanza (which is a gem) - as if the writer finally got the hang of it or things just fell into place as the poem becomes less detached.
Since when did not having a plot prevent a film from being made? Especially if said film stars a SNL alum.