Drama in the Jelly Belly aisle!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So the wife and I were at Target the other night, and we chanced (chanced, I say!) upon the Jelly Belly aisle. Deciding to indulge just a bit, I picked up a bag and began perusing the many choices. Juicy pear? Tutti frutti? Pina colada? Buttered toast? There’s a family of four at the other end of the aisle, made up of a man, woman, toddler/small child, and a teenage boy. Teenage boy slouches down the aisle and stands directly between me and the delectable treats. I mumble “'scuse me,” and slide over, opting for a small scoop of Juicy Pear, and debating whether Caramel Apple would go well with it.

Kid scoots over, oblivious to me, and stands directly between me and my Jelly Bellies. This time, I say, loudly, “Excuse me,” and reach past him. He slouches aggressively, oblivious.

I move a few feet down the aisle. Mmmm! Cafe latte! I like those! I go to grab the scoop, and sure as the sun rises in the east, kiddo slides over on cue and stands blocking my reach.

By this time, I’m wondering what this fucking kid’s problem is. He’s not deaf. I saw him communicating with his family just fine (if a bit sullenly.) Still, I’m not angry. I’m choosing Jelly Bellies. What’s to be angry about? For the humorous benefit of my wife, I make exaggerated wavy “outta da way already!” motions behind the kid’s back. Wife rolls her eyes. I can’t tell if it’s directed at me or the kid.

The kid’s tiny, hard-eyed mother STORMS over to me. “ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS. SAY. EXCUSE. ME.”

I look her over and calmly turn beet-red in the face and reply with aplomb, “I DID, LADY! YOU MIGHT TRY TELLING HIM THAT!”

“I DO!”

“WELL AREN’T YOU JUST A WONDERFUL MOTHER THEN?!”

She storms off with her progeny, glaring at me the entire time.

I’m righteously indignant. I’m all pumped up. Now, in the midst of all those yummy jelly confections, I’m full-on, ready to chew nails angry. I look over at my wife.

She’s deeply unhappy. She hates these little confrontations. They eat at her for a long, long time, and she takes them straight to heart. Remind me to tell you about the Willie Nelson Incident sometime. That was, what? Ten years ago? She still refuses to talk about it.

Fuck. Takes the wind right out of my sails.

OK, so I was something of an asshole. Maybe. There was nough gray area there to make me feel bad. Eventually, I tracked them down and apologized. No skin off my nose, right? Doesn’t cost me anything to spread a little good around, right?

Hmph. Bitch wouldn’t even look at me. Her husband, however, smiled. I think I at least made his night a little better. I guess that’ll have to be enough.

Oh, and the slouchy teenager? He just mumbled something and looked away when I apologized.

Man, I hate being civilized sometimes.

2

The mom freaked out over the wavy arm gestures?

Fuckin’ wierd.

3

That was my wife’s question too. It had to be the gestures. I mean, the sum total of our interaction was a couple of Excuse Mes and the gesture. There wasn’t anything else.

Yeah, I was taken aback too.

4

I’m with you. I also love your use of “slouching aggressively.”

5

Did you have pants on? I know when I am at Target, and some guy starts flapping his arms while naked, well, I get a little hostile, too.

6

Um, yes. Did I say something to imply pantslessness?

7

I think you were very civilized for someone who’d been cut off from the Jelly Bellies. The kid should have been the one apologizing, not you. And instead of bitching at you, the mom should have told her hellspawn to get out of your way.

Just look at it this way–their punishment is, they have to live with each other. :stuck_out_tongue:

I haven’t seen pantsless guys at Target. Maybe I’m shopping at the wrong Target.

8

What the fuck? Jelly Bellies at Target? Why aren’t they at mine?
Hey, that kid blocked your Jelly Bellies once. You could have grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and the bottom of his sack and heave hoed him into the “Pet Essentials” aisle.

After the third blockage, I’m surprised you didn’t piss on his back.

I would have and not thought twice.

9

I’ve got the internet ESP. (Cue spooky music)

Oh, and I am naturally predisposed to envision semi nude men in the Jelly Belli aisle at Target flapping their…

10

Heh. Thanks. :slight_smile:

I’ll admit that I derived a small amount of cheap satisfaction from her husband’s reaction to me when I caught up with them to apologize. I’m 6’1" and 230 pounds, and he didn’t seem particularly thrilled with the idea of potentially defending his wife’s honor in case I was there for less than noble purposes.

Like I said, cheap.

11

Cheaper than the satisfaction of pissing on his back? Seriously, what could the mother do? Hit you? She’d be so shocked. Never in a million years could she envision that a stranger pissing on her son’s back over jellybeans could possibly happen.
That, and it’d make it to Threadspotting for sure. Don’t forget about the fame!

…and the fame you’d get from the local authorities…but let’s ignore them…

12

With some guys pantslessness is just the default assumption.

I wouldn’t have apologized to the kid or the mother. I’d have apologized to the wife for participating in a scene, bought more jelly beans and eaten them off of strategic body parts.

Well, I mean, I wouldn’t have eaten them off a chick, but you get the idea.

13

I would have done exactly as you did…but I wouldn’t have apologized later for it. Stupid kid. Stupid mom.

14

Why else would you be in the Jelly Belly aisle?

15

Ogres are like…onions. They have layers.

Sailboat

16

Confrontations In The Store. I had a doozy one time. I’m rolling through Walmart on Mother’s Day and I’m in the Women’s Personal Items aisle. As I’m wheeling by, a woman, who was climbing to reach something on the top shelf (you short folks know what I’m talking about…you stand on the bottom shelf to reach something on the top shelf), falls into my cart!

Then she opens up on me like it was my fault she fell into my cart! I was PMS’n’ like a motherfuck and got into a screaming match with her. Her husband and children shrank away and left her defenseless against my wrath. Good thing, too. I coulda taken all of 'em with one hand tied behind my back.

17

I am going to think about this every time I buy tampons. At least there’ll be some kind of amusement to get out of it. :slight_smile:

Ogre, I applaud you for apologizing. I certainly wouldn’t have. And I definitely would have explained to Mom From Hell that I had said “Excuse Me” not once, but three frickin’ times, and maybe she should get Junior’s ears checked.

And I might have thrown a scoopful of jellybeans at her too, for good measure. But not the Caffe Latte or any of the good flavors. The jalapeno. :smiley:

18

I wouldn’t have apologized either, nor been made to feel guilty over such a thing. I probably would have gone a different route though, I’d have directly asked the kid what he had against me that he didn’t want me to be able to get any Jelly Bellies, loud enough that bystanders could hear as well, while pointing out that it can’t be a lack of manners on my part, since I said excuse me 3 times. Or, I might ask if the kid is ok, making a fuss as in “Are you ok?! Oh dear, that poor kid is dazed, does he need medical help? Is he special needs? Why doesn’t he respond to other people’s polite requests to move so they can shop?! Oh, the poor dear!” I have no compunction to camping it up and showcasing people when they are being such atrocious assinine jerks. Yeah, it’s a weakness and I am slowly working on learning how not to do it.

19

I want to shop with you. :slight_smile:

20

I relayed the story to my SIL and for Christmas she bought me a miniature shopping cart. :slight_smile: