A friend of my daughter. In her mid-20s.
She’s smart, articulate, well-read. College educated Has a great job.
Never had a drivers license.
She’s in a committed relationship. Lives with the guy.
He doesn’t know she can’t drive.
I don’t know how she accomplished this deception. I don’t know why she’s done it.
How likely is it that they will eventually break up over this?
Not necessarily a dealbreaker for me by itself.
Has she been actively lying about it, or has it just never come up somehow?
Of course he knows. He just hasn’t said anything to her. Whether they will survive depends upon the whys of all of this.
Why doesn’t she drive? Does she have a severe astigmatism that makes her worry she’ll be a menace on the road? Or is she suffering from anxiety for which she refuses to get treatment?
Why does he put up with it? Is he a huge control freak and enjoys her utter dependence on him? Or is he a caring gentleman who accepts her disability and is willing to carry the burden because he loves her?
Why haven’t they discussed it? This is the only one I can’t come up with a benign possibility for.
I could wear myself out typing other possibilities but I won’t. You see my line of thinking by now. One thing is certain, if they have children together this will become a serious issue. I hope they discuss it before any “oops” happens.
Unless she lied about it I don’t see it having any effect on their relationship. Lots of people don’t drive. That’s especially true if they live in NYC or some other area where driving is more trouble than it’s worth.
Good point. I didn’t think about “where” but that matters enormously.
It’s going to depend on a lot - first, has she actively lied or did she just never mention it? Second, how much of a burden has/will it put on him? I live in a city and know lots of people who can’t drive. Some are independent and get everywhere they need to go by some combination of bus/train/bike/walk and almost never need a ride from their partner unless they are both going somewhere. Others for whatever reason want a ride everywhere. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to take the bus/train or maybe there is no bus/train in the particular area where they live . I even know a couple who moved from neighborhood A to neighborhood B and instead of choosing a hairstylist/library/dry cleaner/pharmacy in the new neighborhood insisted that their spouse drive them back to the one in neighborhood A. Each of those scenarios puts a different level of burden on the partner and the independent person has much less chance of a breakup than “drive me back to the old neighborhood person”
She’ll eventually need him to drive her around all the time. Often the reason people don’t have a driver’s license is that that they had one and it was taken away. But even if that’s not it she could get pulled over for something else and start heading down an even bumpier road.
Yeah…
My understanding is he doesn’t know and has never asked. He’s asked why she doesn’t have a car.
I know she never got a license in the first place. Doesn’t drive at all.
No public transportation around here. I guess an Uber could be gotten where she lives. Not sure on that.
She rides a bike alot.
I suppose omission is the lie.
My sort of first girl friend in college did not have a drivers license. She was a bit of an odd duck.
She depended on me (and other friends) to drive her around. It was a pain. This was in '79 so it was VERY uncommon not to have a drivers license. It’s a little different today (but I didn’t understand it then, and don’t understand it now).
Maaayyybee if you life in Manhattan or something, but still. Like many things, it’s better to have it and not need it than the other way around. I started driving when I was 11.
I guess where do they live? If they live in NYC or (maybe) San Francisco, it might not have come up (though San Francisco would be a stretch, IMO its not really that convenient to live “car-free” there, once you are outside the city proper you really need a car, and its actually a fairly small city).
Anywhere else in the states: yeah, he knows.
Friends of our have kids around the same age as ours, and AFAIK they do not drive. I am not sure if they even have DLs. Mid-twenties. And they grew-up in suburban Silicon Valley, not exactly strong with the public transit. They got by, AIUI, just by mooching off others when they needed a ride. Even when they went away to college in the mid-west, I guess they Uber’d or found rides everywhere. One of them lives in Chicago now, so that may be doable without a car. Anyway, the current generation of would-be drivers seems to have hit the pause button on getting a DL - I think it’s more common than past generations. I find it difficult to believe people living together would not know this.
It would be extremely hard to live here in South Arkansas without a license to drive. By my estimation.
She lives in a town. It’s medium sized at best.
The Lil’wrekker says she always needs rides. Somehow she gets to work.
I’ve told Lil’wrekker to ask more questions. I wanna know.
Wait - he knows she always needs rides, including from your daughter. He’s also asked why she doesn’t own a car (we don’t know how she responded) but he hasn’t figure it out yet on his own? Seems like the answer is staring him right in the face and he doesn’t see it.
My nephew and niece that live with us don’t want to get drivers licenses. Apparently this is more common with younger people. If they want rides, their friends get them but we refuse to give them rides (well, we’ll give the 15 year old nephew a ride since he doesn’t have the ability to drive yet, but it is a rarity). The niece has a permit and we’ve offered to help her learn, but no interest. Not sure why she even got the permit in the first place. They moved from a huge city and I think they expect to move to a big city with easy public transportation so why bother with the license.
I had my driver’s license the day I was legal to get it. It represented freedom. Their freedom is being locked in their bedroom.
This would concern me. In a “Failed to Launch” sort of way.
Yep, me too. Some (well many) of the younger generation get their ‘quality time’ on a phone. While I completely admit to being a bit of a hermit now-a-days, it’s because I’m half deaf. I can really only manage to converse with 1-3 people, and It needs to be a quiet environment.
Of course I still drive though. No choice there.
It concerns us and we’ve explained that even if you don’t want to drive, knowing how to drive and how the rules of the road work are useful for walking, riding a bike, etc.
They won’t be failing to launch in our house though. We have no obligation to them once we’ve done our part.
Me too. Going out to a noisy restaurant with friends and family is so tiring. I now know why my older relatives “check out” at a certain point.
Me three. It sucketh mightily. And I hope to make these damned ears last another 30 years.
I am now playing live, fairly loud music weekly. My ears ring bad enough as is so I wear hearing protection. I wish I wore hearing protection when I was younger. If I could go back in time I’d kick my younger self firmly in the ass.
My partner of nearly 40 years doesn’t have a driver’s licence; just didn’t go for the final test after securing her learner’s permit and getting some training. We make out okay. We live in a city, but friends and relatives and work are a 15-30 minute drive. We also save a lot of money running only one car.
Agreed. My daughter is 18, and has shown no interest in getting a driver’s license. She got her permit, and we practiced some, but she does not want to continue.