4 Months and couting. Thats how long I’ve been driving in San Antonio. Stuck behind mindnumbing volumes of people whom exist only to make me late, waste my time and piss me off.
This morning my radio broke, its stuck on this radio station where the early morning people keep talking about this 35 + strip off they are sponsering. I don’t need this, all I can picture is the female equivelent of 50 year old European Men at nude beaches.
6 accidents, 6… Well past the third time’s the charm bullshit. 3 in the rear view mirror, 2 from people who didn’t understand that someone who puts on their turn signal and looks before they merge actually will, one from someone who assumed Red means GO REALLY REALLY fast.
Last month a cop almost ran me down outside of Barns and Nobel.
Why is it that in my tiny ass little Ford Escort I can go faster than that guy in the brand new Lexus SUV? All I’m doing is going around the corner. How hard is the simple concept, ‘break during the first half of the turn then accelerate smoothly for the second half’ so hard to understand? Yes I know that hunck of useless steel that is worth more than my salery will flip over if you go too fast. THATS WHY YOU BREAK FOR THE FIRST HALF OF THE GODDAMN TURN!
Mr. Jesus fish, I admire your bold political/religious statement. Mr. Jesus fish eating a darwin fish, please don’t breed while I appreciate the role total idiots play in society we have enough.
Yesterday I was behind a ton and a half pickup with the bumper sticker “Jesus helps”. I hope Jesus is in the cab next to you helping you learn to use the GODDAMNED GAS PEDEL 'cause we have been sitting in this right turn yield lane for 3 FUCKING LIGHT CYCLES. My 93 year old grandfather with a knee and hip replacement could have ridden a bicycle through the gaps you are too scared to take.
Every day I go home the same way, past the same bit of road construction. Judging from the dessicated corpses of road crew members they began work sometime around the fall of Rome. Every day traffic goes from 70 down to 45, no more people get on the freeway. The work is sepertated by two rows of barriers.
Each day I sit in my car, watching people drive their stupid little status symbol cars trying to dial their cell phones and I have a dream.
It is a great dream, a dream of happiness, of joy, of rest and fullfillment.
Please hit me. Please lose control of that 50 thousand dollar piece of shit that has recieved terrible crash statistic and sideswipe me. Work is boring, I have pleanty of sick time. And most importantly, all of my relatives are lawyers.
I dream of warm sandy beaches. Beaches that don’t smell like Alaska after the Exon-Valdieze. Beaches inhabited by the sun worshipers. Beaches on islands that don’t belong to the United States. Beaches where I can windsurf and drink and play with the money that was once that Lexus driver’s retirement plan.
But this is just a dream, I know it will not happen. I’m not that lucky.
I just get stuck behind people who can’t read. People who think the sign about the lane closure ahead applies to everyone but them. Why should I let you back in? Your car is worth more, bigger yes, but more expensive. Or you, in the red minivan. You want to go faster? Well you should have bought a car with an engine, not that little windup toy you’re sporting now. I’m already speeding and I’ll be damned if I let you around me. You really should have looked harder at that car you just passed on the right. Sure it was rude of me to block you passing me by pasing it, but it was an unmarked cop car. And now if you’re unlucky you may be getting a cavity search. If you’re lucky he doesn’t have a hangnail.
Then there are people who park in handicaped spaces. Its not my fault if my car dies on my when I’m driving past your vehicle. That it happened right after I flagged down the police officer at the other end of the parking lot is just a happy co-incidence, no use yelling at me. Its not like I planned it this way, events just fell into place.
I leave you with this my gentle friends.
BURN IN HELL ALL OF YOU FUCKERS WHO DON"T UNDERSTAND HOW TO DRIVE.
ARRRRG
I HATE MY LIFE
Thank you for listening to me
