Driving ranty-rants

Stay on your fucking side of the road! Who do you think you are, Jeremy Fucking Clarkson, trying to hit the apex of the corner. When you come over the double yellow line into my lane I have to practically put my car in the ditch, you fucker!

Why the fuck can we go 60 MPH on the way into town for work in the morning, but only 40 on the way back out of town? Don’t know about you all, but I like it better at home than I do at work, I’d rather be at home. Faster. I don’t give a shit that you were running late in the morning and can take your sweet fucking time in the evening. At least get to the speed limit.

Thanks city for finally re-paving the potholed streets, but you could have at least made an attempt to get the fucking man hole covers closer to the level of the road. Gotta do the slalom around fucking 4 inch drops at each man hole.

And one more. Yo, dumb-ass joggers! Not that all joggers are dumb-ass joggers. These particular dumb-ass joggers running in a pack along a state rte posted at 55, not staying in the clearly defined bike lane shoulder of the road, but running three abreast in the travel lane. Get the fuck out of the road.

I don’t understand why people in this city can’t merge. I had one the other day: going perhaps 5mph slower than me and about eight car lengths ahead of me, the driver was faced with a choice. He could speed up marginally and merge without inconveniencing me at all. He could just move over into the massive empty space behind him and I would have to slow down slightly, which I had plenty of room to do. Or, he could slam on the breaks and come to a complete stop to pull in behind me. One guess which option he went with.

I’d kinda like to know how big your town is - generally accepted engineering practice for street/road reconstruction calls for ‘grade rings’ for MH’s to bring them to grade. What am I missing here?

Close to 30,000 year round residents with a student population of another 20,000. I’d heard about those grade ring thingys. That’s why I’m complaining.

Personal hate for:

  • people who swerve to the left before making a right turn. Gah!

  • people who drive right next to each other. Invariable, they’re going slower than the routine traffic rate around them. Gah!
    *sub-rant: people who drive right next to me, or in my blind spot. I speed up to pass 'em, they go faster; I coast and slow down, they slow down. Invariable they’re on a call phone so I assume they’re responding subconsciously to the traffic rate in their peripheral, but unfortuantely, it’s just me!

  • big ol’ dualie pickups, the ones that are shiny and unscratched and clearly not “work” trucks in any way. Damn penis replacements.

  • old people with poor eyesight/reflexes. Scary.
    … and a special shout-out to the motorcycle cop who uses the entrance to my office as a speed trap, casually strolling out into traffic, one hand imperiously held high. He looks like my dead uncle and the only relative I ever really liked, to add a weird sort of insult-to-injury vibe.

You shoulda run him over, added injury-to-insult-to-injury.

Now for the corrolary to my earlier rant about failure to use the turn lane while, you know, turning.

You can also turn into the turn lane from the side street and then merge with traffic. It is not necessary to wait until there are no vehicles for a mile in either direction before you turn left.

Signals, people. Use them. (Preferably early enough so I can react to the lane change or turn you are about to make.)

If you happen to be driving in the middle of the night in a snowstorm, and there’s a truck behind you, and a truck passing, and a truck and a car behind them, and you suddenly decide that was your exit you just passed, could you maybe not slam on your brakes? 'Cause the truck behind you had to emergency swerve into the passing lane, which meant the passing truck nearly went off the road and he jacknifed some into the right lane, where I was, and I would have had plenty of room to stop except for the fact that the truck behind me wasn’t stopping fast enough and I was pretty sure I was going to get crushed between the truck behind you, the truck behind me, and the truck to my side which was largely out of control. So, y’know, next time, maybe take the next exit?

I think you also need to pit all those truck drivers that were driving too fast, and too close to the car/truck in front of them during a snow storm.

Hey, old man in the white van: check your mirrors before backing out of your parking spot at the gas station/convenience market! And when you hear the horn from a little red truck pulling away from the gas pumps, fer Og’s sake, hit the brake.

Fortunately, the only damage was my passenger side mirror, but that’s a few dollars out of my pocket to get it fixed until your insurance ponys up.

Its RAIN, asswipes. Not fog, not snow, not an apocalypse. It doesn’t magically make your car fucking invisible. DON’T USE YOUR GODDAMN HAZARD LIGHTS!!!

Nah, the truck in front was maybe a little slow on realizing that the car in front of him had decided to stop in the middle of a freeway to back up to the missed exit, but, really, who does that? The passing truck only ended up to close to the front truck when the front truck had to swerve in front of him (i.e. change lanes), and all of the jacknifing was a result of that. I think the truckers handled it admirably.

Not here, you can’t. That’s called using the turn lane as a merge lane, and it’s prohibited. If you can’t make one smooth turn into traffic without using the turning lane to merge, then you wait until you can. You won’t get stopped for it, and people do it all day long, but if you get into an accident while doing it, you can be cited.

I pit people who, when exiting a parking lot in the middle of the block on a major thoroughfare, insist on turning left and making everyone behind them bide their time while they wait for break in both directions.

Particularly when people start honking their horns at them and they look back with an innocent and bemused “what do you expect me to do?” expression on their face?

Here’s what I expect you to do. Turn RIGHT when you exit the lot, and figure out another way to get your car pointed in the right direction. I’m sure it can be done.

See that large thing by your right foot? That’s the accelerator pedal. Learn how it works.

This is Southern California, and we drive on freeways all the time. The easiest way to merge with the 70-mph traffic on the freeways is to get up to 70 mph before you merge. If you refuse to hit the gas at the on-ramp, and are going only 35-40 mph by the time you get to the merge point, you end up screwing not only the traffic already on the freeway, but the line of cars behind you who are also trying to merge into fast-moving traffic.

If my little Honda Civic can manage to reach 60-70 mph for merging, your hulking V8 pickup truck or SUV or V6 sedan should have no trouble, so step on the fucking gas already.

I pit people honking their horns - you don’t know what I’ve got going on up here, and your horn only draws my attention away from getting on my way and out of your way!

I wish an unsightly, incredibly itchy rash upon the engineers who designed the exit/entrance ramp configurations for our interstate loop highway. Someone figured it was a clever idea to have the exit/entrance lanes intersect so that you have to be extremely vigilant to avoid colliding with drivers in the intersecting lanes, not to mention the hazard of clueless oncoming dingbats* who cut you off so that you miss your exit entirely, wind up back on the Interstate and have to go miles out of your way to reach your destination.

And when you cut me off, clueless oncoming dingbats*, and I honk to signify displeasure, do not throw your hands in the air helplessly to indicate “Gee, what’d I do??”

*yeah, I know, band name.

Ha! This was the last thread I read before leaving work and of course I encounter an idiot on the drive home. Nothing too major, but sometimes I surprise myself with how annoyed I become. Here’s what happened:

I’m stopped at a red light behind a red car, who we’ll call Asshole. Asshole is the first car stopped at the light. We’re on a busy road with two lanes in each direction. Asshole and I are both in the right lane going eastbound. The light turns green and Asshole and I both start to go, no problem. Then Asshole slows and stops. Because I’m right behind him and there is traffic in the left lane, I can’t go around him, so I’m stuck waiting behind him. Asshole has decided to be a good Samaritan and let a car (who we’ll call Idiot) turn out of a driveway. No biggie, except the car is trying to make a left going westbound! And of course since there are two lanes the Idiot in the turning car is blocking our lane and all of the traffic in the left lane keeps going and going. Now I understand trying to be nice but Asshole must have realized that he was the first car at the light and there was tons of traffic behind him. And since the road is super busy in all directions it took several minutes for this car to turn. And considering Idiot could see that the light had just turned green and there was a ton of oncoming traffic he could have waved the Asshole to go on or backed up out of the street to let the traffic flow continue once he realized he wouldn’t be able to turn quickly, at least until the light at the intersection turned red again. By the time Idiot was able to turn, traffic in the right lane had backed up completely for at least a block in the right lane, and my blood was boiling.


The road that passes in front of my apartment building is a 50mph zone. Two lanes in each direction. In the 1.5 miles that I drive twice each day on that road, there are not less than FOUR “Speed Limit 50” signs in each direction.

Fucking drive 50mph already.

Especially you stupid inobservant vapor brained ASSHOLES who insist on being in the left lane.