Driving the kids insane with well-placed misinformation

[Sunrazor]

We never had the opportunity to totally screw with our sons’ minds with misinformation (and now I think I’ve been deprived!) but Jeff Foxworthy has a gem: He tells of his curious young daughters trying to catch a glimpse of him coming out of the shower naked. Seems they’d been told about boys’ “hoo-hoos” and wanted to see a real one. Foxworthy takes the opportunity to safeguard his daughters’ innocence:“You don’t want nothin’ to do with boys’ hoo-hoos. Boys hoo-hoos are poisonous. You touch one and you’ll die!” To which one daughter replied, “No sir, 'cuz the dog licks his all the time, and he don’t die!”

I love that bit.

[Blue_Mood]

My brother told me that when a mosquito bit you it crawled under your skin and that’s what made the bump.

I got a nasty cut on one leg as a pre-teen that should have had stitches, resulting in a long raised scar. When my little sister first noticed it she asked what it was. I explained that it was a skin zipper where I could keep my jewelry. She’s still mad at me for that one.

[TheMerchandise]

My dad told me that if I walked on the beach in bare feet, the crabs would pop out of their holes and pinch my toes. For some reason, I was immensely terrified of this. Didn’t help that we lived in Hawaii at the time.

[Hypno-Toad]

When I asked my dad why the cars in the left lane went faster, he told me that the left lane was longer than the right. So folks had to go faster to get places in the same time.

When Mom and dad were dating or newly married, they were driving down embassy row in DC. Dad had mom looking for the Lumberton, NC embassy. If only this were an isolated example…

[Kamino_Neko]

@Little_Nemo

I remember a conversation my father once had with one of his granddaughters. She was asking about the cellar in his house. (The door into the cellar was quite noticeable but the stairs were steep and dangerous so it was always kept locked when kids were around which apparently made the cellar a fascinating mystery.)

“Are there spiders down there?”
“Yes.”
“Are there monkeys down there?”
“Yes”
“What do the monkeys eat?”
“Spiders”

The proper way for the conversation to continue, is, of course:

‘What do the spiders eat?’
‘Little girls.’

[Solfy]

My five year old has believed for the past year that cauliflower is white because it grows on the moon. They send up spaceships to harvest it.

[Duckster]

@Raguleader

Had a girl I didn’t know briefly convinced that Jackalopes are a real live creature native to Texas. She was, I think, about 15 at the time.

Ah, sorry. Jackalopes are native to Wyoming.

[Mike_Fun]

My 8 year old great niece was eating Swedish Fish candy so I told her they were made from real fish. She seemed skeptical, so I went on to explain: “Of course they’re made from fish. Fish from Sweden. Why else would they be called Swedish Fish?” She didn’t seem to buy that explanation, but she didn’t question it, either.

After several more explanations along these lines involving horseradish, scalloped potatoes, and cotton candy, it became a running joke with us. I’m surprised the kid believes anything I say.

[Category5]

A friend photoshopped an old picture of himself holding the baby into a picture of the Eifel Tower. Left it on the coffee table. The now twelve year old thinks he’s been to France.

[Carl_Corey]

Today the traffic guy on the TV news announced several times this morning that today was “National No Homework Day.”

I wonder how many emails he’s going to get over that one.

[Bad_News_Baboon]

I told my daughter that the doors at Target open by themselves if you blow on them.

[Sunspace]

I had my friends’ 8-year-old daughter convinced that if she went outside and waved, we could see her waving on Google Earth.

[EvilTOJ]

I convinced my youngest brother I could open supermarket doors with the Jedi handwave.

[Shirley_Ujest]

When my little sister was about six, she asked me explain why I said I was a sophomore when really I was in tenth grade. She wanted to know if elementary school grades had cool names like that. Of course they do, dummy, I said. Right now you’re a hooker, next year you’ll be a commie, after that a Nazi, after that a transvestite, etc… And when she was being a real pisser, I’d get on the phone to call Santa. Helped everytime.

THIS IS GOLD!
When the kids are being annoying or fighting in the car, I say, " OMGosh! Did you just see that! "

“What!”

“A tree penguin!”

My kids are use to this kinda nonsense (my son is Spock when it comes to this stuff. My daughter knows its a joke and runs with it.) " A TREE PENGUIN!"

A friend in the car, " Penguins don’t live in trees in Michigan. They live in the artic."

"No, "Says spock, " They live in Antartica. "

" Except for a rare group that escaped the first zoo 100 years ago. They’ve mutated and now blend in. They’ve become their own subspecies. They are no longer Black and White. They are brown and Green. They hibernate in the winter …"

And off I go blathering about the North American Tree Penguin in a Hermione Granger kinda exposition that the rest of the kids just fall into a "Gee, I wonder why I’ve never noticed the NATP before…’ stupor.

(We also have Mid MIchigan Mooses, too, which started this whole adventure. Mooses in the Lower Peninsula. Uh huh. I’m thinking of adding platypii and ostriches to our surrounding environs soon. )

Forget Mutual of Omaha. It’s Mutual of Ortonville.