I stole these two. One from “Family Guy” the other from a doper, but I forgot their name. So if it’s you, speak up.
Child: Why did the Dinosaurs go extinct?
Adult: Because you touch yourself at night.
Child: Why does it rain?
Adult: Because God’s crying.
Child: Why is God crying?
Adult: I don’t know. Probably because of something you did.
Tell them that M&M’s will make them fart.
Tell them the CIA will make them.
Jack Handy said the above.
This Christmas, I gave each one of my three children an envelope containing money. It was a fairly nice chunk of change for a 22, 19, and 16 year old. As they opened the envelopes I said ‘By the way, I gave you all different amounts of money.’
Yes, they know their mother is out to warp them!
My best friend used to tell his nephew when he was doing something even slightly precarious:
Don’t do that! You are going to trip and fall and die. That is what happened to your older brother.
He didn’t ever have an older brother.
My personal favorite is “Daddy drinks because you cry”
Any reference to toileting should be “Feeding the aligator.” And f they ask, yes, there is an aligator in a pen deep under every home that eats sewage, but don’t worry because they’re almost always too big to crawl up the pipes for a bite of something more fresh.
Most kids I know would take this as an endorsement.
Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS.
The only reason I like broccoli is because when I misbehaved as a child my uncle would force feed me the stuff. I ate so much I grew to like it. If you don’t stop <screaming, throwing things at your mom, etc> I’m going to do the same to you.
Beer is made of horse pee. That’s why there are always horses in beer commericals, they have to work up a good pee.
Why? Isn’t this a perfect IMHO topic? Have you read the forum descriptions lately?
Frankie, run and bring me the scissors! 
Tell them they were a mistake. (I did that to my sister).
On Xmas nite I was at a friends place watching some movies and drinking a few ales ,and thought I had arrived with enough time to spare , after the kid had gone to bed.
So about a half way through watching Exorcism of Emily Rose , guess who wakes up ( an aside parents , want a peaceful household , don’t buy toys that need batteries) and procedes to do what any 3 year old does with new toys.
Then the DVD glitched , and the little boy asks WHY , so I tell him, its cause of that fancy little gizmo toy that makes a really awful racket and its all his fault.
Declan
“May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?”
Careful, EJsGirl…you’ll wind up getting a special test.
This is my kind of thread. Messing with kids’ heads is a major hobby of mine.
My current favorite goes like this:
*Me: How old are you?
Kid: 8
Me: Really, what’s it like? You see, I was never 8. I skipped directly from 7 to 9. Had to get special permission to do that. *
The smarter ones challenge me on this. The dumber ones just wander off with puzzled looks.
A similar exchange ensues when I check their math skills. Depending on the age, I ask them something like “What’s 2 + 2?”. When they answer 4 I then question it, claiming that when I was a kid it was 5 and that they must have changed it since I was in school.
Little bastards need to be confused more often. Toughens 'em up.
This was among my grandfather’s favorite mindfucks.
Him: What’s 1 and 1?
Us: 2.
Him: No, it’s 11.
Us: Oh, I get it.
Him: What’s 1 and 1?
Us: 11.
Him: What are they teaching you these days? 1 and 1 has been 2 for as long as I’ve been alive.
He’d kill hours like that.
I remember my dad telling me and my brother to eat our vegetables because, “They’ll put hair on your chest!”
I recall sitting in front of my plate, wailing, “I don’t want a hairy chest!!”
Whenever I try this I scew it soemwhere. It usually involves me saying things like “Abbadon” and “lakes of fire” and “insatiable hunger for human flesh”. Although this messes the kids up anyway.
ooo, just remembered. A co-worker of mine has this hilarious book called, “Lies to Tell Small Children.” One of my favorite lies in the book (paraphrased):
(page has drawing of a big hill with a bright sun overhead)
"The sun burns out each day and they have to put up a new one. All the old ones are on the other side of that hill - " (big arrow pointing over hill where burnt-out suns are piled up on the ground). “They cut the old ones up and make them into margarine.”