Dumbass Drug Addicts

The BBQ Pit
1

So my niece got involved with a guy we will call Ted. They were in a relationship for a few years. Ted, as it turns out, was an addict. As many addicts do, he hid it well for a while but as time went on he started in with the typical addict behavior. He would get angry at my niece, say and do abusive crap and then be all apologies the next day.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Ted was a pilot. He lost his job a few months ago. He lucked out in that the owner of the business let him go with out making him take a drug test, which would have ended any chance he had of flying again, and told him to get clean.

Ted went to live with his parents. Ted claimed that he was getting clean. Of course, he’d call my niece and half the time he was fine, the other half of the time he was a complete dick.

My advice to my niece, which took a few months to work up to it, was that she needed to go to Al-Anon and that the relationship had to end. See, other folks were telling her the same thing but did it straight out. “Hey Niece, he is a loser addict, you need to dump him. He isn’t good for you.” Of course, that is perfectly sane advice as long as you aren’t the one in love with the loser addict. If you are in love with the loser addict, hearing that generally makes you do the opposite.

So I talked to my niece (being a recovering alkie, I know a little about this), and slowly walked her to a place where she decided that the relationship was over until he proved that he as clean. We talked about what people say verses what people do (here is a big hint, people do what they mean. If they say one thing and do another, then they didn’t really believe what they said). We talked about trust. We talked about respect. We talked about helping without sacrificing your personal integrity. We talked about a whole bunch of stuff.

Ted and my niece were still talking. Ted said he was going to meetings. Ted was living with his parents and had no job so it appeared that getting drugs would be hard. Ted said all the right things. My niece sorta believed Ted was doing the right things and wanted Ted to do the right things. She hoped, even though I kept telling her that the odds were against it, that Ted would get healthy and they could resume their relationship.

Well, Ted overdosed and died.

The dumb fuck.

So my niece is now, obviously, totally inconsolable.

See, that is the nasty thing about addicts and alcoholics. Even when they die they leave a mess.

My niece did her damnedest to help Ted. And Ted ends up killing himself which, like the vast majority of things addicts do, hurts others deeply. My niece is blaming herself for Teds problems, which is totally unfair, yet that is the way Ted manipulated people during his addiction. That is the way addicts work. Ted killed himself through his own actions, yet others feel responsible.

So a hearty fuck you to Ted.

Slee

2

I’m so sorry. Here’s hoping your niece still opts to go to Al-Anon.

3

How is Bill holding up?

4

I’m so sorry, Slee - your niece will be in my thoughts.

5

He’s forever sober.

6

Well, at least Ted’s out of the picture now.
Silver linings and all that.

7

Bill is excellent. Ted however, turned out totally bogus.

8

But still smoking and chasing newbies. A man needs his hobbies.

9

I hope your niece gets the therapy she needs and moves on with her life sooner than later.

I’m a bitch, I guess, because I would be glad someone like that is out of my loved one’s life for good, with the hope the loved one can finally get their own life straight and find someone positive to love instead of someone toxic. - And recognize the difference. -

There’s a lot of alcoholism/drug abuse on my Mom’s side of the family. At this point, many have gotten their AA chips, some for decades. I deeply respect people who do their best to recover and stay there. I have little to nothing to do with the rest. My heroin addict cousin who is in and out of prison with a nice case of meth mouth? Fuck him. A lot of people’s lives will improve if/when he finally offs himself.

10

I feel quite torn about the whole situation. Ted could have been a great guy. When I met him he was charismatic, good natured and seemed like a fine person. However, I never saw him fucked up.

And since I know what it is like to be an addict (alcohol was my drug of choice), I know how hard it is to get clean. I also know what a living hell it is when you are addicted, doing things you know are wrong and hurt those you love and yet cannot stop doing them.

I also know the joy of getting clean and sober.

So I don’t just see it as my niece getting a final end to a bad relationship. I see a guy who could have been a great partner to my niece and a good person but who couldn’t fight his addiction. Having been there, I know how hard that is to do.

It is a waste. And it pisses me off.

I tried to talk to him once I knew what was going on. Ted knew of my recovery, my niece asked if she could tell Ted and I said yes. I offered to talk to him but he didn’t want to, which I can understand.

At the same time, it is easy for me to remember my own despair and imagine that Ted was feeling the same thing in his last couple months.

I’ve known enough people that have gone from good for nothing drunks to honest, respectable, loving folks to give up on people. I know that only the addict/alkie can make the choice to get clean but I always offer what little help I can provide and hope that the person with the problem gets it together. And I hate it when it doesn’t work.

I don’t think I can count the number of people I have known, most through AA, who tried to kick their addictions and failed. Then died.

So I am pissed at Ted but at the same time I get him. I understand.

Hopefully, if there is an afterlife*, Ted found some peace.

Slee

  • I doubt it but wouldn’t mind being presently surprised when I die.
11

This may be a remarkably stupid question, but if your niece isn’t the addict, and Ted is now dead, then why would she need to go to Al-Anon?

12

I’m torn being a former addict for a decade myself. I totally agree with your sentiments to a point. However in my humble opinion he had a disease that took his life. No doubt he hurt your niece and that’s shitty, but I wonder if it would still be a fuck you if he say committed suicide because of bipolar or clinical depression.

Anyway nar-anon has been a blessing for my folks since its not only I with the problem but my sister has about a 16 year opioid addiction (clean now.) in many respects I’ve seen better gains mentally in my folks for going to their meetings than either I or my sister doing NA.

13

Ah, so it’s not just for the addicts? I was under the impression that many of these kinds of meeting, whether it be AA, NA, or whatever were not open to family members but only to the addicts. I guess there’s several kinds to suit people’s needs.

14

Nar-anon and al-anon are specifically for the relatives, friends, etc. of addicts. Additionally NA and AA if I recall correctly have both open and closed meetings. Most meetings you can just mosey on in and just listen to people speak and learn the program/steps.

15

Then again in regards to addicts, including myself, being fucking assholes I can clearly remember telling my sister during her last relapse (I cannot count how many times she has) to go fucking OD and save me the trouble of her being on the streets. I can sort of relate to that raw emotion; addicts hurt those around them, even other addicts.

So I cannot pretend I’ve never told an addict to fuck off and basically die. So much pain is involved for all.

16

I struggle with the concept of personal responsibility when it comes to actions, criminal or otherwise, that addicts commit while in the throes of addiction.

On the one hand, part of me wants them to fuck off and burn in hell when they do something stupid that costs someone(s) their life(lives) but OTOH, having been there and done that, I also have empathy for the inner demons addicts deal with on the regular.

I cannot imagine ever wiping out a family due to something like drunk driving though. That would be insanely awful.

17

I struggle with assigning a moral value to drug use in general. I tend to lean towards it being an amoral act in itself, but after ten years of usage I can’t ignore how many people I’ve hurt.

Specifically if you commit crimes under the influence and/or commit crimes to obtain the drug then I’d say it is immoral or at the very least a serious mental health issue that needs to be addressed.

18

Hey Slee, I’m sincerely sorry for your losses. My condolences go to everyone who is suffering from the aftermath of the horrible, destructive illness of addiction. It’s just such a freaking sad situation.

19

Because being in a relationship with an addict can fuck you up and Al-Anon is about helping non-addicts deal with being in a relationship with an addict. Even if the addict is dead.

It’s not about helping Ted, or anything to do with Ted, it’s about helping Niece.

20

This a thousand times, they will tell you this in any al/nar anon meeting. The addict inflicts so much damage unto those around him or her that it’s no longer about just getting them help. I’ve seen far far greater suffering on the part of loved ones than the addict themselves and the loved one or even just an ex of friend deserves and requires a support system to help themselves. It is no longer just about the addict, we addicts are damned selfish. It is about healing and moving on on the part of those hurt by the selfish acts of the addict.