She’s as dumb as a sack of hammers. He’s nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. What other country cliche’s amuse you? Or piss you off, for that matter?
Two or three times, and never lightly, I have heard my mother use the expression. . .nervous as a whore in church.
-As ugly as a hatful of arseholes, (or assholes)
-As mad as a cut snake,
-As thick as two bricks,
-As dumb as dogshit,
-As slow as a wet weekend,
-As thin as a rake,
I don’t know how rural they are… I hope not too rural, because Mr Goo says them all constantly (apart form the rake one)
He’s got a face like a bulldog chewing a thistle.
Thick as pig-shit.
She’s got the memory of an elephant and twice as ugly.
He’s got a face like the south end of a north-bound cow.
Dumb as a post.
A variation on one in the OP:
Whenever my sister and I fought, my mom would say, “Stop it you two. You’re like two sore-tail cats in a room full of rocking chairs.”
He’s got about as much chance as a one-legged man in an ass-kickin’ contest.
“Like flies on shit” or “like stink on shit.” For example, “People are attracted to him like flies on shit.”
A guy I knew from the midwest described the back end of wide people in the weirdest ways. One was, “When they walked or ran, their butts looked like two pigs fighting in blanket.”
As cold as a well-diggers ass.
As cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra.
As fucked up as a football bat. (drunk or stoned)
Grinning like a jackass eating briars.
I always kind of liked …
“Ugly as a fistful of worms.”
I’ve heard this phrased as “busier than”, as well. The one that amuses me, since I’m a ferret owner, is “slipperier than a greased polecat.”
“He was so frazzled, he didn’t know whether to shit or go bowling.”
My mother’s originally southern and one of her favorites always was “I’ll be on you like a hen on a junebug” - in other words, we were in big trouble.
Depending on the company, either:
“He could screw up a free lunch,” or
“He could screw up a wet dream”.
More Mama-isms:
I’ll be on you like white on rice.
Cold as a cast-iron commode on the north end of an iceberg.
And a sister-ism:
Hotter’n two rats f***ing in a wool sock.
When I was fifteen, the dad of one of my guy friends used this particular one on me,“If I were your age, I’d be on you like stink on shit.”
Am I supposed to be the shit in that analogy? And that was before the term, “He/She’s the Shit,” came about.
It was a terribly romantic moment.
My favorite:
One time one of my students said, “That bus so old it make my toes turn green.”
I have no idea what it means, but I thought it was hilarious.
I’m not sure whether these are just a local ones:
Going off like a frog in a sock.
Going off like a bucket of prawns on the beach.
Uglier than a stump fence built by moonlight.
Wearing too much makeup?
Enough paint to paint a battleship, and enough powder to blow it up.
I’ve posted this before in a similar thread, but Ken Weaver’s (ex-Fugs) collection of “Texas Crude” from CoEvolution Quarterly back in the late 70’s/early 80’s (with illustrations by R. Crumb) is worth another look.
“You buy 'em books and you buy 'em books and they just chew on the covers.”
- Some people are impervious to the counsel of Wisdom. They just can’t, or won’t learn.
How about
Strong like bull, smart like tractor.
Not PC, & not meant to offend, but I heard this a long time ago: “As busy as a blind queer at a weenie roast.”