Salty sayings

Some of my favorite sayings usually came from friends from the South. Unfortunately, most of them have vanished from my memory (which is down to about 512K now). Here are some I recall.

*That’s like asking a fox about animal husbandry.

In and out like a fiddler’s elbow

Up and down like a bride’s nightie

Shivering like a dog shitting razor blades*

Anybody got others?

You’re so green if I stuck you in the ground you’d grow…
shaking like a cat shitting razorblades…
as happy as a pig in shit…
as ugly as an unwiped asshole…

Rainin’ like a cow pissin’ on a flat rock

Make you wanna slap your Granny.
I made up a list of hilarious ones my friend from Prosper used to say. Must have been fourty or so.


*Shaking like a dog passing peach seeds

You look like the syphillitc afterbirth of a Lower Slobovian gang bang

It ain’t what you want, but what you get that makes you fat

If you had a brain it would rattle like a BB in a boxcar.*

I’ve also heard that one as “rainin’ like a double-cunted cow pissin’ on a flat rock.”

Ugly enough to back a dog off a meat truck
Useless as a screen door on a submarine
Dumber than a sack of hair
Four days older than dirt
The shadow of her ass weighs 30 pounds

Bangs like a dunny door in a storm.

( I believe it’s Australian in origin… so that qualifies as southern as well, right?)

If brains were gasoline, yours wouldn’t be enough to make a piss ant’s go cart go around the inside of a Cherrio.

Balancing your brain on a razor blade would be like bouncing a bb down a four lane highway.

You’re about as bright as a burnt out lantern, covered in tar, buried in the storm cellar of a coal mine.

Ugly enough to knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.
Courtesy of my Father…

Ugly enough to scare a buzzard off a meat wagon.

Ugly enough to scare a pit bull up a plate glass window (“win-der”).

Ugly as the south end of a northbound dog.

Hotter than two rats fuckin’ in a wool sock.

Dumber than a brick/boot/post/stump/bag of hammers/sack of hair.

Too dumb to pour piss out of a boot (with or without instructions written on the heel.)

Hotter than a fresh fucked fox in a forest fire.

Colder than a witch’s tit (in or out of a brass bra)/welldigger’s nuts (or ass)/gravedigger’s nuts (or ass).

There are SO many hundreds more.

He’s so full of shit his eyes are brown.

If brains was lard, you couldn’t grease a skillet.
…deader’n a son of a bitch… (used only when describing the effects of a firearm on a living target)
…sweeter’n butterscotch… (I’ve only heard this one used to indicate someone is gay)

Slicker’n snot on a doorknob (owlshit through a tin horn)
Nervous as a whore in church.
Off like a prom dress.
Stupid as a fried popsicle (thanks, Tabitha King!)
Crazy as a soup sandwich.

…that’s like pissin’ up a rope
…about as useful as tits on a bull

Face like a smacked arse

'Bout as useful as extra tits on a warthog.

Goin’ up and down like a whore’s panties! (said about someone who can’t sit still)

Shut up tighter’n a bull’s ass in fly season.

Couldn’t hit a bull’s ass with a base fiddle.

Shot at and missed; shit at and hit.

Couldn’t hit a bull’s ass with a bass fiddle, dammit!

Busier than a dog with two dicks.

Crooked as a dog’s hind leg.

Rode hard and put up wet.

Courtesy of a very flustered mother of a friend:
Colder than a well digger’s ass in a cast iron bra.

If it was rainin’ soup you’d take a fork.

Useless as hen shit on a pump handle.

I’ll probably think of more later.