In a thread in the General Questions forum about the origin of the phrase “shit-eating grin,” Corrvin mentioned a rural saying:
“Grinning like a dog shitting peach seeds”
All of a sudden it hit me! I NEED to start using more expressions like this in everyday conversation. Anybody have some more I could use???
I’ve always been partial to “hotter’n two rats screwin’ in a wool sock.”
Ah yes. The old “homey aphorism.”
I love these things.
[ul]
[li]Hotter’n a fresh-f*cked fox in a forest fire[/li][li]Colder’n a well-digger’s ass.[/li][li]Uglier’n the south end of a northbound dog.[/li][li]Ugly enough to scare a buzzard off a meat wagon.[/li][li]Ugly enough to scare a pit bull up a plate glass window (winder, for effect.)[/li][li]Shakin’ like a Chihuahua shittin’ peach pits.[/li][li]Dumber’n a sack of hair.[/li][/ul]
I have more.
Actually, one of my favorites was made up on the spot by a good friend of mine:
“That sucks like a Bangkok whore with a double mortgage.”
I rolled.
“Well, f**k me and call me pregnant!”
well felch me with a crazy straw!
(probably far from original, dont remember who I might have stolen it from)
“Well doesn’t that just suck a weasel’s @$$hole?”
“Slower than a one-legged turtle.”
“Shakin’ like a Mexican space shuttle!”
Hungry enough to eat the ass out of a menstruating skunk
Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest
Dumber than the 'possum that decided to cross the road
Wouldn’t piss on his ass if his piles was on fire
Just cook it enough to get the “moo” out of it
Still want more?
Hotter than a docker’s armpit
Hotter than twin sisters on a Saturday night
Busier than a one-legged man in an a**-kicking contest
More fun than a sack full of mice and a ballpeen hammer
Too stupid to pour piss out a boot.
Mean as Hell and twice as ugly.
Ugly as a mud fence.
Smart as a box of rocks
Not the shiniest ornament on the tree
Proof that the gene pool needs a little chlorine
[ul]
[li]Colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra[/li][li]Colder than a cast iron toilet seat[/li][li]Busier than a one-armed paper hanger[/li][li]More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs[/li][li]Tighter than bark on a tree[/li][li]Hotter than a young nun at a priests’ convention[/li][/ul]
[ul]
[li]As cold as a Yaks nipple on a winters night.[/li][li]As mad as a sack of rats.[/li][li]As useful as a fishnet condom.[/li][/ul]
I heard a good one on a rerun of the Golden Girls the other night.
Jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.
I love that Blanche
Busy as a beaver in a whore house.
As slippery as snot on a door knob.
Finer than frog hair.
As popular as a turd in a punchbowl.
Slower than molassess in January.
Slicker than snot on a glass doorknob.
Slicker than cats**t on linoleum.
My favorite:
[li]Uglier than a hat full of assholes.[/li]Can’t really come back from that one, except maybe with:[li]It looks like their face was on fire and someone tried to put it out with an icepick.[/li]
Other favs:[]Dumber than a bag of hammers.[]Slower that molassess on a cold winters day.[]About as sharp as a bag of wet feathers. (or mice.)[]As horny as a sailer on shore-leave. (optional: …with a fist-full of twenties.)
Rain’s comin’ down like a tall cow peein’ on a flat rock.
As sharp as a bowling ball.
Ethilrist, I learned that one as “Pissin’ down like an old cow on a flat rock.” One of my favorites!
From the same immutable grandma:
“Wish in one hand, shit in the other.”