Platform Tennis: the sport invented for rich dudes who can afford to heat raised tennis courts in the middle of winter. Because they’ll be damned if snow and freezing temperatures will keep them from playing tennis outdoors.
It’s not any more dangerous or less sporty than regular tennis, but it certainly rates at the top on my dumb-o-meter. I live near the place that “invented” the game and trust me, it was and still is a bunch of rich men deciding it’d be great to blow their money on being able to play tennis outside in winter.
Competitive eating, if you consider it a sport. It sickens me to see guys shoving food down their gullets as fast as they can. I change the channel when it comes on the news.
I already explained how to play lacrosse: beat up people with your stick.
Okay, okay. What you’re actually supposed to do is catch the ball in the net on your stick, and either try to toss it into the opposite team’s goal net, or pass it to a teammate so they can try to get it in.
Moving to the Game Room.
PUA, once it inevitably becomes an organized competitive event
Calcio Storico (Italian: historical football)
As far as I can wok out it is played in the following way:
It’s a game played between two teams dressed from the waist down in renaissance costumes. From the start the about half the players from the two teams fist fight with each other while the rest mill around behind them aimlessly. Every 15 minutes one of the players at the back remembers they’re meant to be playing a ball game and stops ignoring the ball and tries to score a goal by throwing it into the opposing net. The members of the opposing team who are not too busy fighting try to stop him by punching and elbowing him.
PUA - Pick Up Artists - that is a sport?? Dang I live a sheltered life.
Competitive eating just seems so banal. Drinking beer - well hey YES. That is steeped in history. Hotdogs, chillies…not so much.
To be honest, golf has always struck me as futile. Mark Twain in his succinct way blessed at a good walk spoiled.
Initially golf looks like an enjoyable idea - go for a walk among trees and green pastures interspersed with the occasional lawn, birds chiping, sun shining, what more could you ask for. Except there have to be four of you, not you alone communing with nature, and a pace is set. No slacers. Inevitably one person is competitive aiming to crush the others and furthermore (in my experience) takes delight in commenting on missed shots.
If the weather turns or you have duties to perform golf makes no room for that. You are committed for 9/18 holes and dare not leave.
Now cave diving by comparison is total commitment and you know that from the start. Score cards all just list Death. Makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up but I deeply admire those who do it.
Blasphemy alert- I vote for (American) football. It’s beyond silly that the players make no decisions on the field and simply run memorized routes. The contest is basically between the two coaches, with the players filling the role of tin soldiers.
(yeah, I know there are “route trees” and the QB has to make some decisions, blah blah blah… it’s still dumb)
As Lloyd Bridges said (but seldom did): always dive with a buddy. But what if your buddy has diarrhea?
I’ll say golf not because its not fun to play sometimes, especially miniature golf, but because I don’t consider it a sport. Any “sport” where there’s a senior’s tour is not one based on athletic ability. Its a game, no different from pool, darts, or horseshoes, and should be treated as such
When it comes to the amount of coaching done during a game, I am a fellow heretic. A game relying on the players making the play calls and audibles on their own would be much more interesting to me. Coaches have all week to prepare them to do just that.
This isn’t the dumbest sport —but it is the dumbest role for a player in any team sport:
the 2 guys in the middle of the bobsled.
In the 4man bobsled, the guy in the front steers, the guy in the rear operates the brakes. And the 2 guys in the middle are just ballast. They jump in the sled, bend down till they disappear inside the body of the sled (so there’s no wind resisitance, I suppose), and then-- do absolutely nothing.
Extra weight= more speed. More work for both the steering and the brakes. Changes the handling of the sled both from the weight and the added length.
yes…so obviously , you should take two human beings and use them as extra weight. Now that’s a job for a true sportsman!
Let’s do it for other sports, too:
For auto racing, pack 2 guys into the trunk the car. For running hurdles, tie two guys together, like kids doing a sack race.For cross-country skiing, make 2 guys use each set of skis…riding piggy back.(oops… this actually exists-- in the two-man luge.)
Now that’s the ultimate dumb sport!
(click on the link, and then tell me if you can honestly say “Wow, I’d just love to urge my son to join his school’s two-man luge team” .)
Ah, I loved crab soccer. Guess it’s pretty tough on the wrists, though…Don’t think I’d like to play it now, at age 50-plus.
Amen, brother. That’s one thing that really gets my dander up. Friggin’ Nathan’s hot dog eating contest, held within a mile of 100 people who’d fist-fight their grandmother for a stale hotdog bun.
It’s like competitive breathing, or competitive having a roof over your head.
I’d like to see the opposite. You want to show my how much balls you have? Competitive not-eating contest. Ten guys - ready, set … don’t eat. Last one alive wins. I suppose the qualifying rounds would be problematic, but I haven’t worked all the details yet.
Ferret Legging. No contest. Nothing else comes close to the insanity of stuffing a live, angry weasel down your pants.
wiki
About Reg Mellor, the King of the Ferret Leggers.
Video Link
I tend to have a baseline level of respect for all sports, even ones that I don’t really enjoy watching. That said - I find the field events in athletics to be borderline dumb. Imagine getting up in the morning, looking in the mirror, and saying today I will train for the triple jump. For I am a triple jumper. It seems like that would be a really hard thing to sustain, the total absurdity of it all would get you down.
They should just build a ski lift up there, and a heli pad.