I have set up my e-mail software with an extensive array of filters to help me cope with the electronic deluge inflicted upon me by the numerous listservers I subscribe to.
When a message does occasionally sail through this elaborate net, it is usually some earnest request from a needy Nigerian widow or such, or an epistle from a long-lost friend for whom I had not yet prepared a folder.
Yesterday, two messages made it through.
Much to my astonishment, no African missive was amongst the lot.
The first letter appeared to be some sort of advertisement claiming that “lesbians vixxxens riding hot studs want you” or whatnot. I was baffled to say the least. Thankfully, my friend Katia happens to be of the lesbian persuasion; I forwarded her the info thinking she might be more interested than I was.
The second e-mail, however, was indeed from a long-lost friend. It went as follows:
Before the advent of the Great Electronic Revolution, my life was dull and meaningless. I was a nobody. Now, wealthy Nigerian widows beg for my philanthropic assistance on a weekly basis. And now this: a long-lost friend dispatching an electronic genie to me! I was thrilled; how so very nice of her!
Fortunately, I had just the right wish. A small, almost banal wish I had been holding onto for these occasions, merely a little warmth to bring joy to those around me. I am a man of simple pleasures.
And a man who respects proper precautions, might I add. Should I fail to forward within the allotted time, such a small wish would bring forth no catastrophe. Imagine wishing for World peace; sheer irresponsibility!
Having found which wish to wish, I set out to elect the lucky ten who would in turn benefit from the good genie. I had been thinking for some time, perusing my address book, when it dawned on me.
The good widows!
Surely, they could use the help of a benevolent electronic genie. I congratulated myself for this marvelous idea. (Nothing pleases me like bringing joy to those I hold dear. Oceans may part the Earth between us, but through their prose, I have felt the dire agony of these good and needy widows!)
I culled ten lucky widows from my precious collection of African requests for assistance. (I will get to answer all of them eventually. So little time, so much suffering.) I wished my wish with all the goodness in my heart and released the magical messengers of good fortune with a single deftly placed click on the send button. The university LAN processed the task promptly and all was done within the 35 seconds. I sighed.
I woke up this morning earlier than usual with a tinkling feeling in my toes: today was going to be a special day. I knew it!
I was wrong.
Nothing happened.
I feel used, abused, cheated and lied to. It is now past midnight and I have started to get drunk on gin…
Genie, you lied to me! You took my hope and puked it right back at me… Fuck you and fuck the putrid hellpit of LIES and DECEPTION from whence you came! My innocence is soiled by your disingenuous lies and prevarications. My only hope left now is that I will be able to contact the good widows and warn them in time that they risk falling victim to a SCAM! Scam, nay, dare I say, a FRAUD!
