Earning more than a partner (over a long time)

In My Humble Opinion
21

I make slightly more than double what ElzaHub makes, and my salary went up very quickly over 3-4 years, so it’s been more of a pride thing for him. It helped when he found a position with a stable company so even if his salary is still lower, the company perks and opportunities for advancement are a plus.

However, there’s never any “I make more money, so I get to choose how we spend most of it” - when we were making roughly the same amount, it was never ‘my money’ or ‘his money’, it was still our money. I will admit, he has stepped up around the house a LOT - he makes dinner almost every night, he does a lot of the cleaning, and he gets the kid off to the bus stop in the mornings. Much of this is because my job (in software consulting/training) is incredibly demanding, and more often than not, I can’t leave my work at the office (or stop at 5 PM for the day when I work from home) - I’m usually working at night once the kid’s gone to bed, I travel regularly, and end up working 60 hours a week on average. I was also diagnosed with an autoimmune disease several years ago, so physically, I have to ‘ration’ my activities so that I don’t end up in bed for three days, unable to move from pain.

His job, OTOH, is one where he works a scheduled shift, he can leave work at the office when he leaves (meaning he doesn’t have a reason or the ability to work at home), and somehow, our roles around the house have just kind of shifted. It wasn’t planned or discussed, it just kind of happened. It also doesn’t mean that I think my job is more important than his, it’s just busier because we’re short-staffed, and I can have software ‘emergencies’ come up at 10 PM, so if I see that email come through my phone, I have to take care of it. I’m actually jealous of him at times because my work-life balance kind of sucks right now, and although we’ve made changes to give us more time as a family, there are parts of my job that aren’t going to change (like having to travel almost every weekend from the end of January through April for events - my colleague is going out on maternity leave in January, so I will be covering some of her events). The fact is, there are four of us in a department that used to be staffed by seven people, and while we kick ass at what we do, we’ve had to make sacrifices elsewhere, both personally and professionally. I’m lucky to have a spouse who has been willing to take on more of his share of stuff at home.

With a promotion, he could easily make more than me at any given time, and it’s not a competition - never has been. If we make financial decisions, they’re based on our family income, and I don’t get to veto him simply because my paycheck is bigger. I get to veto him because I’m usually right ;). (KIDDING!)

22

We went back and forth several times over the past 20 years without problem. We both worked for the US Dept. of State: she had a Masters degree, I had a BA. She got hired at a grade higher than I, and rightly so. Next jobs we had I was making 60K, she was making 40K. Next job I was making 70, she was making 80; the one after that, I was making 150K, she was still making 80. Different careers and opportunities, is all. The main focus was to bank as much as possible in order to retire a few years early, which we did.

23

My husband and I met in college, I was heading for the IT world and he wanted to teach High School history. We assumed I’d start out making more than he’d ever get paid, which was no big deal. He was also fighting some long-term health problems, so we figured we’d get married, he’d sub for a couple years until the health stuff subsided and he had something on his resume, then he’d find a full time teaching job.

Then the economy blew up, and no-one’s hiring history teachers. Three years in, he’s still subbing, which means he’s working an average of two or three days a week eight months out of the year. He’s healthy enough to do a full time job at this point. He’s getting frustrated that he’s not doing anything with his life, and so am I. I’d love to sit home that much! And I feel like he’s not doing everything he could be doing to get a full time job or find another area of work, and he feels like he’s gotten nothing but rejections for three years, so why try?

So the money isn’t an issue, but the circumstances are. He’s stepped up to do almost all the chores and cooking, which has done a lot to keep me from getting resentful. He’s applied to grad school for next year, which would be great. I hope he gets in, I hope he gets in…