There is a sexist stereotype that men feel somehow threatened by having a wife that earns more than them. I’m sure there’s some neanderthals out there that have an issue with it for real.
But I wonder how much of it is just posturing and shit talking. I have some male co workers who like the idea of having a partner they support financially. However, when a few asked how my wife was doing, I mentioned she had finished grad school and was making more money weekly than I would make working 7 days straight. I was happy our income had more then doubled, because it took a lot of pressure off me. No longer did I have to work weekends; now we could easily pay for monthly expenses and still save up a ton of money to eventually buy a house.
The guys I talked to confessed they were rather jealous I had a wife that was so ambitious and lamented that their own wives didn’t even want to work full time much less go to college for a better job.
As time goes by, the wage gap narrows, more and more women are college educated and I would assume there will be more couples where the wife has the higher paying/prestigious job. Do most guys really care either way? Do most women care?
There has been a time in our marriage when my wife was making more than me and I wasn’t happy about it. Not because she make more, but because I was making so little.
Define make more. There are several professions which make “less” but where the prestige is quite high. A politician may not make that much as say a Doctor or a lawyer, or a senior Army officer as much as an executive, but they would not be threatened.
My own experience (I have never been married) is that its when a man has a social position which is less than his wife is where the problems arise, not simply making less.
That attitude certainly persists. I had several classmates in law school who would not date a woman in law school or with an advanced degree. They didn’t want a woman who was smarter or would challenge them, regardless if this resulted in being more financially flexible. I can’t really understand that attitude. But it persists.
My husband, on the other hand, fully supports me working my ass off. I have the steady pay check and carry all the benefits for the family. He has his own law firm. My job allows him to take more risks and feel less vulnerable to the market.
Who technically makes more would require some valuations of benefits and a careful look at our tax returns. He certainly invoices a hell of a lot more than I make, but once you factor out expenses for his firm, our taxable earned income is pretty close.
Either one of us could carry the burden of the other not working and survive ok for a few years. Keep up with the mortgage and bills, etc… but it would be tight and not a lot of fun. We’ve become pretty accustomed to the dual income lifestyle.
AK84 makes a good point, I think. My husband and I are both lawyers, and well respected in our small legal community. So our social esteem is pretty spot on equal. I think a lot of hurt feelings and imbalance come where the social esteem is different… not just salaries.
I’m engaged to a guy. I make more $$ than he does. I wouldn’t say he feels threatened, but he does express guilt that he’s not bringing “as much to the relationship” as I am. I told him that it’s just money, I don’t care who makes it, and there’s a lot more that we both bring to the relationship than cash. But he still feels guilty. It’s spurring him to search for a better job, which is good–more because he’s not happy working there than because of $$ reasons.
In my situation, I make a decent amount that I could be very comfortable living on. I only work about twenty hours each week (by choice). My gf’s gross is around triple mine, but she works 50 hour weeks and is under a ton of stress.
I can feel this. My wife makes less than me, but she is a nurse (perennially one of the most trusted/admired professions in the world, and something she had to go to school and be certified for), while I’m an uneducated office monkey who gets by on brains and hustle.
I have more of a complex about her being “legitimate” and “grown-up” and “smarter than me” than I would if she simply made more money.
For the first few years of our marriage, my wife made a lot more than me. It didn’t occur to me that I should be threatened by it. It’s all “our” money anyway.
I would guess the ones who get into trouble are the ones who assume “I make more money so I get to call the shots”. If and when the roles are reversed, trouble.
Both of my ex wives made more then I did. My first wife also was getting her PhD and was quite smart. The problem with her was she would look down on you if you didn’t understand something, like her work.
My second wife made far more then I do, and now probably makes at least 1.5 times as much as I do, and one day could make 2-3 times as much.
Neither time did I care they made more then me. Then again I also helped out quite a bit around the house, helped pick up and take care of the kids. I thought of it as a partnership and always felt it equaled out in the end.
Totally agree. But for some reason, law school was the first time I had really encountered that attitude. I had previously studied and worked in other male dominated environments, and had not really come across that before.
I think this attitude is likely more pervasive on each end of the socio-economic bell curve (really rich and really poor), while the rest of us in the middle tend to be more egalitarian. But who knows.
The flip side of that coin is that (some) women supposedly have less respect for men who earn less than them. If it’s a problem for either member of a couple, it becomes a problem for both of them.
Growing up, my Mom made WAY more money than my Dad. Not only that, it was very clear that my mom was the alpha of the family. Which is saying a lot because my dad wasn’t exactly a pushover in any sense of the word.
I have the steady pay check and carry all the benefits for the family. He has his own law firm. My job allows him to take more risks and feel less vulnerable to the market.
