Eat hot death you old bat

The BBQ Pit
1

Boy, just when things are going my way in this beautiful Chicago Autumn, I have to run into a tubercular, whithered old bitch like you, twat.

I am TRYING to teach myself how to knit. Now I know back in the Civil War, when you were first learning, it was some sort of built in ability inherent in all women of good upbringing, squirted from the womb knitting the umbilical cord into a beanie.

BUT I DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT IT. I just want to fucking knit, ok? I want to fucking learn how to knit, and I have to start somewhere. God forbid it be in your god foresaken store.

Cranky old Witch That Smells Like Simmering Crotch: "What can I do for you?

ME: Well, I’m teaching myself to knit…
Interrupting Cunt: Knit what?

ME: Well, I’m going to start with a scarf…
Witchwhore: Why a scarf? Why? Everyone says scarf. Why?

ME: It’s easy and I’m not even sure…
AssRot: Start with a sweater. If you know how to do anything you can make a sweater. Make something you can use for God’s sake…

ME: I can use a scarf.
Bitch: A scarf is the easy way out…Well, pick out your yarn.

From here it went all to hell. She grabbed skiens of yarn RIGHT from my hand and said “YOU CAN’T USE THAT YARN. Don’t you know anything? Don’t mix yarns. Pick a different one.” WITHOUT telling me which ones to pick.

Get the fucking crypt dust out of your ears, bitch. I said I’m just fucking learning how to god damn knit. HOW ABOUT A LITTLE INSTRUCTION? I don’t KNOW what to use, I don’t KNOW what needles to buy. I fucking told you I was just learning.

As I’m checking out, she coughs her mucousy death rattle all over my yarn and says “it’s good that you bought cheap stuff…that way you won’t feel bad when you give up.”

Listen here, ma’am. When I finish this scarf, I’m going to come back to the store, wrap it around your flabby, hideous turkey neck, strip you naked and cut off your crusted over clit with a pair of dull pinking shears.

Burn in hell.

And no, I still can’t figure out how to get past the first row.

Boy, this knitting shit is relaxing.

jarbaby

2

Got a good beat and you can dance to it. I give it an 8.5.

3

My mother is an accomplished knitter and crocheter. Her baby afghans make people cry.

I have learned to knit, oh I don’t know, maybe four times? Somehow my fingers always end up entangled in the stitches.

Really, it’s not that I’m a klutz. I can do beautiful hand lettering, I make jewelry, and I play the piano. And I even managed to crochet a toy-poodle-sized dog sweater when I was a teenager. It was the only yarn-based project I ever finished.

Yarn is not my friend.

4

Bwahahahahaha! That’s beautiful! :smiley:

Thanks, jarbaby, for starting my morning right!

5

I’ve always found that it’s best not to antagonize people holding 8" long skewers.

Good luck, dear Jess. Say, could you make me some mittens?

6

I get the little line of loops on the fucking stick, pick up the other stick and make a beautiful row of stitches, and then it goes to hell. The yarn gets all twisted because the instructions say “always keep the skien behind you and your work” or whatever, and i’m flustered. Then by the end of one row of stitches, it’s like pulling teeth to get the fucking needle through the loop because they’re packed so tight together and I only have like a quarter inch of needle to work with, and so I threw it all at my husband, said fuck it, and went to bed.

7

Well, I have learned how to knit a few times, and I always forget, within like two weeks. Crocheting, however, is something that I learned once, and never forgot how to do. I found it much easier then knitting… and don’t listen to people who try to tell you how learn stuff, or how their way is better. They probably don’t know anything and are trying to feel superior because in real life, they have no life and are losers… sorry, I am not very good at this… anyway. Don’t give up :slight_smile:

8

I want to learn how to knit and crochet too…is there some kind of Knitting for Dummies With the Manual Dexterity of Three Toed Sloths book I can buy?

9

mags, why don’t we get together, just start knitting and fuck up some gigantic throw blanket or something?

jarbaby

10

Beautiful, just beautiful. The juxtaposition of knitting and swearing.

Jesus, my eyes are watering, since I’m trying not to laugh out loud.
You said knit. And fuck. In the same sentence. This is bliss.

11

I tried to learn to knit and it was way to hard to fix dropped stitches and stuff, so I just stick with crocheting. It really is a lot easier. In fact, it’s so easy that I couldn’t stop when I did my first blanket. I just sat there happily crocheting and crocheting and crocheting. It didn’t occur to me to have a stopping point and it ended up being 27 feet long. Just make sure you periodically check the length of your scarf. The longer you make it, the more times you can wrap it around the geriatric windbag’s neck.

12

Wouldn’t it make more sense to tell the old bag to eat cold death? I mean, since you’re ranting about knitting sweaters and all. Just a little more poetic justice for her.

13

Oh god. Knitting.

Go for it babe. Find a decent teacher though. They make all the world of difference.

I skipped out of knitting, crocheting etc. I did weaving. On a loom. When I’m rich I will buy myself a loom and spend many relazing hours making scaves, blankets, placemats and wall hangings. I like fiber and the cool stuff it can do.

But the teacher is an important person. Mine was very patient, very considerate, and loved sharing what she was doing. She talked me through all of the mistakes I was going to make and what to do about thme. (Ignore them and think of them as part of the love and charactor in the piece, for the most part.)

I took it as a class at my local art institute. It was wonderful. They had open studio hours so I’d take a CD player up on random Saturday afternoons and sing broadway tunes in the empty halls, just me and my loom.

You can do this shit, just focus on learning and the good stuff rather than having to be perfect your first project (second project…tenth project.)

14

Knits make lace.

15

yes.

I’d like a muffler please.

16

Magdalene and jarbabyj, here are some links that may help.

http://www.learn2.com/06/0653/0653.asp
http://www.learntoknit.com/home.php3
http://www.mycraftbook.com/Learn%20to%20knit.asp

Good luck ladie, I haven’t had the courage to try knitting myself, crochet is much easier so I’ll stick with it.

17

thanks for all the links! The tertiary problem (next to general klutziness and impatience) is that I’m left handed, and most instructions are for right handed folks. So I found a left handed knitting site, but it only has instructions up to row 1 and then it joyfully says,

“and you’re on your way!”

yeah…to hell

18

Simple.
Elegant.
Perfect.

Maybe you need to take up a less stressful hobby like air-traffic controlling, bomb defusing, or perhaps Vanilla Ice’s publicist.
That, or knit the shriveled old bag a death shroud and give to her saying: “Here. I made this for you. Figured you’ll be needing it soon enough”

19

I tried to learn how to knit, too. I couldn’t make a goddamn thing, except a lovely wad of synthetic pink stringy crap.

My grandmother, however, knits beautifully. She was born with only one arm, and holds both needles at the ends with her single hand. She whips out lovely sweaters, socks, and anything else you can think of. She is also a horrible person; she has the charm of Goering, the wit of Pol Pot, the warmth of Stalin, and the spiritual grace of Ted Bundy. She has never baked a cookie in her entire fucking life, and her house smells like mothballs, mildew, and poodle piss.

I think it means we are better people for our inability to knit.

20

Simple.
Elegant.
Perfect.

Maybe you need to take up a less stressful hobby like air-traffic controlling, bomb defusing, or perhaps Vanilla Ice’s publicist.
That, or knit the shriveled old bag a death shroud and give to her saying: “Here. I made this for you. Figured you’ll be needing it soon enough”