I am currently reading the excellent The Beautiful Cigar Girl: Mary Rogers, Edgar Allan Poe, and the Invention of Murder, and one of the things I have learned that, in 1839, Poe worked for Burton’s Gentleman’s Magazine, where–among his other duties–he wrote an Advice to the Lovelorn column!
This is as wonderful as the (also true) fact that Ted Bundy once manned a Suicide Hotline. I’ve been obsessing about what the questions and answers might have been in Burton’s . . .
Once upon a midnight dreary… while I pondered weak and weary…I decided you should just give it up Shy in Baltimore* because all he’ll do is spurn you and then start a blog about how some “dweeb of a nerdy thirteen-year-old” has this totally lame-o crush on him. You’ll only become the laughing stock of Alf Landon Middle School and the tri-state area. Better you should slit your wrists after you gun down your parents and poison your pet Finches.
Besides, Shy in Baltimore everybody already knows you can’t even provide a properly coded post on an internet message board. :smack:
Uh…'Bear. Things going ok in the swamp these days?
You know darn well that Poe would have advised her to have her throat slit open by a great ape wielding a straight razor who would then stuff her up a chimney.
Ok, well, yeah, I woulda suggested that, but I’ve been drinking. See, the perfect excuse. 
Yes, but were you quaffing nepenthe?
Dear Mr. Poe–
My ex-husband Rastus has been after me to leave my fiance Geoffrey and run off with him to Tucson. What should I do?
–Coralie in Phoenix
Board a ship bound for the West Indies and find yourself a cabin boy. Watch out for whirlpools.