Eff ewe, Portie-hating asshat across the street

Dopers, meet Mister Mom.

Mister Mom lives across the street from me … really, next door to the nice family that live across the street from me. I don’t know his real name, but it’s probably something like Percy or Elmer. While his wife goes to work, Mister Mom apparently stays at home all morning and afternoon.

About a month ago, I came home, checked my mail, and found an envelope from the City of *********, Ohio Police Department. The Police Department? Huh? I don’t have any outstanding warrants against me – never got a misdemeanor, anyhow, and I don’t think I blew off any parking or speeding tickets. So … I opened up the letter, and read something like this:

Huh? My dogs doing “excessive barking?” Naaah … that’s got to be impossible. I’ve had Bailey for over four years, Guinness for about two, and the only thing I’ve heard from neighbors is how amazed they are that they sit in the window all day and seldom let out a peep. From the time I get home from work, to the time I leave the next day, the most I hear out of them, if they’re not playing with each other, are quiet talking when they want attention.

I’ve mentioned Guinness and Bailey before in other dog threads. (Here they are again, if you haven’t seen them.)

Anyhow, I was at a loss to explain to myself what happened. Nobody has ever complained about me – or my dogs – to the authorities before. This has to be a mistake.

The next day, I call the police department, left a message for the officer – from work, so when he calls back, the first thing he’ll hear is “County Planning Department” – and wait.

About 30 minutes later, my phone rings. It’s Officer Caccazzo. “Officer, I’m glad you called. I got a letter from you, saying that a neighbor was complaining that my dogs were barking? What’s going on?” The cop explains that a neighbor who stays at home all day called the PD, to complain about Guinness and Bailey; apparently, the unidentified neighbor said that from the time I left to go to work, my dogs start barking … so loudly, he can hear them from deep inside his house. Apparently, they continue to bark non-stop until I get home.

“Uhh, that’s impossible. I know everybody probably says that their dogs are quiet – I worked as a code enforcement officer in a past life, so I know how it is – but every place else I ever lived, my neighbors have said that my dogs are quiet. Are you sure they’re my dogs? There’s barking dogs all over the neighborhood!”

The officer said that he stopped by the house to confirm the complaint. When he got out of his vehicle, he went up to the house, and saw that my dogs were in the front window. He said they were quiet at first, but they started to bark when he approached the house. He followed by saying that one of them was sort of loud, and if they barked like that all day, it could be considered a nuisance.

“Are you sure? Have you gotten complaints about other dogs in the neighborhood?” Nope … just mine. “Well, I find this hard to believe, but what am I supposed to do?” He told me to keep my front curtains shut during the day, so they’re not distracted from passing kids going to school, or other paople walking dogs down the street.

“Are other people with barking dogs going to be made to tdo the same thing?” Apparently now; the officer said that it was just my dogs the neighbor complained about. On that note, I promised the officer I’d close my front curtains and leave the television on so they woudn’t be distracted by sound from outdoors, but I couldn’t do much else, and left it at that. Bailey and Guinness get so much joy from looking out the front window during the day – PWDs need intellectual stimulation to be happy – and I felt terrible that I’d be depriving them of an experience they treasure so much.

I spent the rest of the day at work upset, wondering just what the **** was going on. After I got home, I saw some neighbors out and about, and casually started to question them.

“Uhh, I want to be a good neighbor even though I’m renting. I’m gone for about nine hours a day, and I’m wondering if my dogs bother anybody when I’m at work.”

“Nope … haven’t heard a thing.”
“I’m gone during the day, but when I’m home I don’t hear anything.”
“Your dogs? They just sit in the window and look out. They’re silent. They look so cute!”
“If your dogs are barking, I probably wouldn’t hear them over my dogs. Besides, I’m gone during the day.”
“If they are barking, I don’t hear them. They seem quiet to me.”
“Oh man, they just sit in the window and bark non-stop from the time you leave to the time you get home. I work from my house, and can’t get anything done because they’re barking so much!”

The one who said that Guinness and Bailey are barking machines … Mister Mom. Now, there’s a couple of big dogs in the house behind mine that bark a lot. There’s the family who lives next door to Mister Mom with three dogs that bark quite a bit. There’s other people nearby with loud dogs. Later polling of those neighbors revealed that they had no complaints from any neighbors.

Anyhow, a week later, a day after the snow melts, I left for work, and found a City of ********* vehicle marked ANIMAL CONTROL parked in front of my house, a police officer milling about the front yard. What. The. Fug. I step out, and ask what’s going on? Apparently, it was the dog cop I talked to a week earlier. The person that was complaining about my barking dogs was now complaining that my front yard was covered in dog feces, and that he wanted to check it out. There were three poopies on the lawn, revealed that morning from the melting snow.

I told the cop that, yes, the dog feces is probably from my pooches, but there was six inches of snow in the yard, it melted down to the grass only yesterday. Why was I letting my dogs out in the front yard to poop, instead of the back? Because, like every house on my block, there’s hardpan clay soils in the back, and it’s a muddy swamp. Everybody on my side of the street lets their dogs out in the front yard. I told the officer I’d clean it up, and keep it clean like I always do, but I’m not going to go trouncing through the snow to hunt down buried poops; I have to wait until the snow melts until I see them to clean them up.

I was festering. WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS GUY ACROSS THE STREET HAVE AGAINST ME? As a homeowner and renter, I have always gotten along fantastically with my neighbors – as in everyday-low-prices-at-Wal-Mart always.

Even worse, instead of being a man and coming to ask me about my dogs – much less introduce himself to me, like all my other neighbors – Mister Mom runs to the cops first when he has a perceived problem with them. When I was working code enforcement, and got a complaint regarding someone’s neighbor, I always asked “did you approach them about it first?” If the answer was no, I told them that their neighbor would probably resent it if they found out a neighbor complained, possibly starting a fued – “Now, you don’t want that, do you?” – so they should talk it out first before they come to me. Mister Passive Aggressive Mom didn’t.

Anyhow, Cleveland warms up, the masses head out of hibernation, and folks start milling around outside on my suburban street; gardenign, cleaning out the garage, waxing their cars, or, in the case of Mister Mom – REVVING HIS MOTORCYCLE. Yup, this nocturnal planner, someone who struggles to get up early on weekends, is thrown awake in the single digit hours on a Saturday morning to the sound of a little Japanese bicycle revving, and idling, and revving, and idling, and revving, and idling.

Oh – there were also lots of dogs in the neighborhood barking, too. Not mine, though.

Now, I’m pissed. I’m not going to return the assholishness call the cops on this guy, because to be honest revving a bike is really part of the normal background noise one would encounter in the 'burbs. However, here’s a guy complaining about my loud non-barking dogs, while he’s blasting unleaded-powered decibels through a poorly muffled exhaust.

Now, when the guy is outside, I head outside – with my dogs. Always.If the sound of barking dogs permeates through the air, I loudly say “NOT MINE!” When I let my dogs in, I loudly say “GOTTA’ COME IN, BEFORE YOU GET THE COPS CALLED ON YOU!”

Today, I said “eff this,” and opened the front curtain before I go to work. Today, when I got home, Mister Mom is outside with his yuppie motorcycle buddies, revving and idling their little 50 cc rice burners.

In response, I decided to pit the turdburgling asshat in the Pit.

Percy, Elmer, Aloysius, whatever your name is … well, the expletive I want to utter can’t be said in a civilized place like The Pit, so I’ll leave it to your imagination. I’ll just say it involves some English language profanities regarding copulation, genitalia, bodily waste functions, your mother, your wife, and your ancestry.

  • Not the officer’s real name, but it was something really, really Italian. The cop wasn’t a bad guy, so I don’t fault him.

So, maybe see if your other neighbors would be willing to put their statments in writing, explaining that you think it’s unfair that you should get fined for that guy’s mistaken ideas? Surely the ones that don’t have noisy dogs themselves wouldn’t mind doing this? Get them notarized too? Next time Animal Control comes over, show them the statements? It might help your case, that other neighbors went on record for you. Good luck.


No good can come of this.

I anticipate a Watchmen-style ending to this scenario.

Stay away from inkblots.


If you mean something violent … sorry to disappoint everybody, but I’m not capable of it. I’m moving out in September, when I buy a house. in a neighborhood far away from here. I’m just pissed off at a guy who has attacked me … completely and utterly unprovoked, and my fristration about it.

Not you, ya goof. In Watchmen, a character comes home and taps on the fence, expecting a greeting bark from his dogs, Fred and Barney.

And what happens in subsequent pages is too icky to recount.

If the guy is revving his motorcycle, than you might be able to report him to the cops for noise violations.

Oh man. Just once when some bitchhole starts trouble about a barking dog I want the police to then discover that the dog in question is a Basenji.

Please! Please let it happen! I would laugh for days.

OMG! That would be priceless. First though, you’d have to prove to the (likely) clueless cops that the breed can’t bark. Would be worth the price of admission to watch though. :smiley:

Thanks for the best laugh of the day!

Portuguese Water Dogs do bark, but it’s a relatively quiet multioctave voice. They’re not yappers, like Schnauzers. More often than now, Porties tend to chortle, groan and talk, making Basenji-like noises

I would love to see that as well=) Basies are wonderful pets. One of the vets that takes care of my animals has a pair, beautiful animals.

It was priceless when the neighbors Mr Aru and I had in Portsmouth Virginia tried reporting my cat Pyewackett for abusing their pit bulls…Animal control said they would not respond because there was no law against a cat abusing a dog…only the other way around.

I can’t help it if their pitties were wimps [well, they were family pets not guard dogs, and treated properly they are very nice pets=)] and my cat was nicknamed Conan as he was 18 lbs of solid muscle and very dominant. He just didnt like dogs and would go over and thwap them around once and a while. He never actually inserted claws into skin, he had been declawed by the previous owner. He just scared the weewee out of the pitties. Was sort of interesting watching his squirrel hunting technique, he would basically whap them to death.

Poop on his porch.

This is exactly what you should do. I have one neighbor that loves to complain to the cops if noise is louder than a bug fart. In a 3 week span she called them 7 times on me. Always annonymous, so I couldn’t just go over and give her my number to call me. Hell, I’ll turn it down. It doesn’t seem too loud to me. So each time I would set the volume lower than last, yet 7 times! And each time the cops said it wasn’t really loud enough to do anything. No fine, no warning, just asking to turn it down.

Next month some attorney contacts me about this. Something about exisse cop visits. Explained everything to him and he told me to go to all the other neighbors (I knew who it was at this point) and have them confirm that nobody else was bothered by it, which I did.

Over a year later, haven’t had them back since.

Should have named him Garfield. :smack:

Again, no good can come of this. You are acting just as passive agressive as he was. Talk to the guy.

Yes, that means you are going to have to overcome his passive agresivenes by being overpolite with your tail between you legs. You didn’t do anything wrong, but a direct apology would kill this idiotic passive aggresive arms race. But your still being as bad as he is . (taking the dogs out when you see him and yelling "GOTTA’ COME IN, BEFORE YOU GET THE COPS CALLED ON YOU ain’t much better)

Take the high road.

Swallow your pride and go up to talk to the guy. Stop taking pictures of him and posting it on this message board. Say “I’m very sorry if my dogs have disturbed you, and I know we have had our problems, but I’d like you to come over for a beer and to work it out”. But you are going to have to swallow your pride, a bit. Not because you’re in the wrong, just because it ain’t worth the throuble.

It works.

And don’t start thinking there is some “higher issue” than a dog bark complaint.

The most disturbing thing in this thread is a grown adult writing “Eff ewe”.

I had a friend with a similar neighbour problem.

His solution was to set up a video camera on his dogs for a couple of days while he was out at work. The tape showed his dogs snoring away on the couch, looking out the bay window, milling around and playing a little, but no barking AT ALL. Barking was heard on the audio track, but it wasn’t coming from HIS hounds.

Give that a shot, if you can.

Better yet, set the camera up at the nice neighbor across the street. If you dogs do bark so loudly that it can be heard over there, then the guy is right.

Oh and monkeys will fly out of your butt!

That and constant revving and NOT RIDING can blow gaskets and cause your bike to leak oil unless you rebuild the engine. You should call the Hell’s Angels and report him for abusing a perfectly decent motorcycle.

Seriously, I would tape record and document times and dates of the revving. Then approach Mr. Mom, to show that you are the more mature, less passive-aggressive person. Confront him with his noise violation ordinance. Ask him how he can be so sure it’s your dogs driving him up the wall. See if something can be worked out.

Or, since you’re moving out in September… tape record the revving and play it back at wee hours in the morning.


That house looks like it’s in Parma.