Hi, everyone. I’m here for now as a Guest but I Hope you Dopers can help me out with this.
I work in a small office in Toronto where people have different ethnic/cultural backgrounds but generally get along really well. The Christmas season approaches and I’ve decided to just hand out “Season’s Greetings” cards to everyone.
Now, here’s the thing: one of our officemate’s mother just passed away and we all are not sure how to deal with it. One person suggested flowers, another suggested we send food. The food suggestion was shot down by someone who said it is forbidden to eat during the wake (?!?). One doesn’t want to go to the wake. One says we should “grieve” (as in open display grief at the wake or during the funeral) which was very strongly refused by another as weeping is absolutely forbidden in her culture. Someone even suggested a Christmas/Condolence gift - but no one has a suggestion on what the gift should be. One of us said that we don’t really have to do anything because we do not know the deceased personally.
We feel we should do something. It sounds odd to me but is there a PC, non-denominational, non-racially-offensive something we all can do? Or should we just do whatever individually?
I’ve posted this on MPSIMS Cuz I don’t even know where this should go.
Two things - one, send flowers, which is customary and polite in the States.
Second, ask the coworker what you can do for her.
And I would show up at the wake but no public grieving. Just make an appearance - 10-15 minutes, sign the book, and leave.
What is her cultural background? Finding the truth about the customs her people follow will be a start. Then you can decide how comfortably that gibes with your feelings.
That is, I can’t see how you would be uncomfortable signing a condolence card, or sending over a casserole, if that’s what’s appropriate. OTOH, I can see how wailing at a funeral, or pouring ashes over your head, or other “strange” funeral practices would be uncomfortable for a WASP Canadian, and I wouldn’t (if I personally was the grieving party) expect people not comfortable with those actions to do them.
If you can tell us her cultural background, we can unearth some customs. Then you choose among those what feels okay for you, or you choose the WASP Canadian custom of sending her a condolence card with signatures from the office mates and a nice vase of flowers. She’s well enough aware of the culture at large to not take offense, even if it’s now how it would be handled in her own country, I’m sure.
Of what ethnicity/religion/culture is the bereaved co-worker? I’d try and educate myself on mourning practices in **their **culture, and attempt to act accordingly, rather than try (probably in vain) to reach some kind of consensus based on the various backgrounds that everybody else at the office comes from.
Did your co-worker indicate “no flowers” or “in lieu of…” in the obit? That would be a starting place. I wouldn’t partake in customs that are either uncomfortable for you or insulting to them. Since it’s the co-worker’s mom, and not the co-worker herself, you need to decide how close you are to the co-worker. When my FIL died, my SIL’s co-workers were all there because they had close out-of-workplace relationships with her. If you are simply co-workers, I don’t think anyone would expect you to attend.
Bereaved co-worker is a white anglo-saxon deliquent Catholic. We think, based on what she has randomly told us in the past. See, we aren’t sure. We don’t think this is a good time to ask.
(Late breaking news) To complicate matters, the deceased has apparently signed something that says she agrees to donate her body to a local university. Said university is, as of this morning deciding if they will take in the body or not. So there is no Obit yet. No plans for a wake yet.
Ah, so basically all the bits about not eating, wailing, etc. are you other coworkers’ traditions, and they are saying you should follow their (multitudinous and contradictory) traditions instead of the grieving woman’s? I say bullocks to that. Grieving after a death is primarily for the close family and friends, and the further outward you get, the less “say” you have in anything.
I can speak with great authority now that what the grieving woman herself expects is a card and flowers, and a nice quiet visit from you at some point during the day where you say something relatively innocuous like, “I heard about your mother. I’m so sorry for your loss. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to make this easier for you.”
If she’s got a deadline approaching and it’s possible for you to help her with her workload a bit, that would be a very nice thing to do.
Because the body is to be donated, it’s hard to say what public events there might be going on right now. Some people go ahead and hold a wake now (where there is food, but most often catered sandwiches and veggie trays bought by the immediate family), and others wait until her ashes are sent back in a year or so when the school is done with her body. My advice is to make the aforementioned gesture of sympathy, and if she wants co-workers at the wake, she’ll let you know when it is.
If there is a wake or funeral, you are NOT expected to make a great show of emotion. We’re a stoic lot. Her children may tear up a bit, but most tears are repressed and hidden and we like to show how strong we are by not becoming overwhelmed with emotion. People who were not very close to the deceased to not openly mourn with tears or emotion. Rather, they are calm and strong and offer hugs and/or handshakes with quietly murmured words of sympathy for the family.
Speaking as a Canadian white anglo-saxon delinquent Catholic, I can tell you that flowers, a card, a donation to a charity, food will all be received with thanks. IMHO, card with donation to charity of the bereaved’s choice would be my favourite.
I guess I failed to clarify that there are people in the office who are newly landed immigrants or 2nd generation immigrants, youngish WASPs who have not really dealt with something like this outside of their immediate circles. I myself fall into the first category.
Not to hijack here, but I can tell you will fit in well around this place, if you decide to stay.
And I say go with the card and flowers, maybe a charitable donation as well. My mom has willed her body to a medical school, how about a donation to a scholarship fund at the university in question?
Have your choice… my place was in Yellowknife for a long time, and Alberta the rest of the time. I lived half-way up a mountain in Canmore when I met this weird guy on the SDMB and ended up marrying him.
I think that Baker’s suggestion is the best I have heard today.
Oh man…it’s THAT high above the ground. I’ll have to think about that one hehe.
We are probably going with Baker’s suggestion. Thanks Baker!! Even if they don’t take her, she still helps them out in a roundabout sort of way. We are looking into it right now.
In addition to the donation, someone has suggested a nice bowl of fruit for her and the family. Bowls of fruit never offended anyone and it’s more practical than flowers.