Etiquette when someone has died

In My Humble Opinion
1

One of my oldest friends passed away very suddenly and by his own hand. To be honest, since I found out, I’ve been pretty messed up. I just went to the visitation yesterday and the funeral today.

Now, I’ve been operating in a state of surreal autopilot since I found out, but one thing is very clear: I have no idea how to behave in this type of situation, nor do I know what’s expected of me. I’m 21–I haven’t had to do this before.

Am I supposed to cry while I’m there, or is that considered tacky when his parents and other family members are there? Should I go to another room if I feel it coming on? With the card, am I supposed to write a long message or just sign it? Is it rude to not be overly talkative, or should I make an effort to socialize? Is putting something in the coffin something that should or shouldn’t be discussed with the family (assuming that it’s something very small and discreet and not tasteless)? What on Earth do I say to the family (who, despite the fact that I’ve known their son since grade school, I do not know very well at all)?

When something like this happens, the very limited social skills, experience, and graces I have fly out the window, and I want to crawl under a rock and be left alone forever. Despite this, I’ve muddled through this as best I could, doing what I think is best, or, at the very least, what I’m capable of doing. I know, however, that I will more than likely have to do this again at least once in my life, and it would be nice to know, what, exactly, I should be doing. That way, when it happens, I can just do that, rather than having to think.

…also, if anyone knows how to bring people back to life, that would be really helpful, too. :frowning:

2

Angel, I’m so sorry for your loss.

I truly am, but that’s also a good phrase to memorize for funerals. I’ve unfortunately been to many, including a somewhat recent suicide, and I’ve found that it’s best to offer condolences to the family but not get too wrapped up in sharing your personal grief and sorrow to them. It’s hard enough to have to stand up there without tons of people trying to force their grief on you. Less is more seems to be a good idea, in my experience. Just let them know you cared about him and you share their sadness.

But you will need to let yourself feel as sad and alone and bad as you feel. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel anti-social, too. If you feel yourself unable to control your emotions, you probably should step out of the room.

Family customs, religion, and environment all play a role in how the funeral is conducted, so it could be a very formal or a more open affair. I don’t know what to tell you about putting something in the coffin–I would recommend discussing it with the family first if you can.

Best of luck to you. I’m very sorry.

3

Speaking as someone who had a close family member die by his own hand a few months ago:

Crying is fine and expected of someone who was close to the deceased. Yes, I would remove yourself from the parents and other guests (if possible), if only because a) it could bring on crying in the parents if they’ve managed to compose themselves and b) it can be very hard for people to know how to deal with someone whose grief is that visible. I’d advise taking someone who could go off with you to provide comfort. Will there be any mutual friends there?

Unfortunately, it’s down to the specific person whether or not they like to be left alone in their grief. As a family member, I socialized a lot more at the viewing than I really felt comfortable doing, then hid away and slept during the reception at our house because I just couldn’t take it anymore. People will understand either way. You’re in a particularly difficult situation because you feel like you’re barging in on somebody else’s pain while experiencing a great deal of your own, but I would advise socializing at least at first. And you may find that it can be soothing to discover other parts of his life by seeing how other people viewed him. If not–again, having someone with you whom you can at least sit with quietly would be a good idea.

Definitely talk to the family before putting anything in the coffin. I can’t imagine that they’d say no, but they’re the ones who put the funeral together and might be said to have suffered the biggest loss (to the extent that such things can be ranked and quantified, which is not far).

As far as what to say to the family…“I’m sorry for your loss” is okay, but since you had a close relationship with him, I believe they’d appreciate hearing how much he meant to you–not how much you’ll miss him, necessarily, but why you liked hanging out with him, etc. Keep it fairly short, as they’ll be receiving condolences from tons of people and likely won’t be in much of a mood for conversation in the first place. Do not, do not, do not say how surprising you found his death or anything like that; it’s not tacky or tasteless, but you can only agree with such a statement so many times before it starts driving you nuts. You probably know this, but if you have questions about whether or not there was a note, what the circumstances were, etc., it would be best to leave them at least a few weeks. Details like this can be the hardest parts to talk about for those who are acquainted with them of necessity.

I’m sorry, you probably wanted succinct advice and this ended up being rather long.

Most of all I’d like to tell you to do your best to bear up–obviously, your friend will never be replaced, but the pain will lessen with time. My thoughts are with you. This is one of the hardest things you will ever have to get through.

4

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss.

It would be helpful to know your region and religion to answer your questions.

But in the meantime, it sounds like what you did was exactly right–you just did the best you could. In the case of such a young person, and a suicide besides, people are going to be much more outwardly emotional than they would be at the funeral of great-aunt Mabel, who died at 92 after a decades-long battle with alzheimers. It’s fine not to be talkative. It’s fine to cry. Most of all, you should just be there for the family, and try to take care of your own feelings of grief.

As far as what to say to the family–well, if all else fails, saying “I don’t know what to say” works. But the old standards like “I’m so sorry for your loss” and “I’m here for you” are ever-useful. They won’t remember what you said. They will remember that you were there and that you offered comfort.

And don’t say anything religious (praying, heaven, etc.) unless you know the family will welcome it.

On a card, you could write a long message if you want, but it’s not necessary. They’ll appreciate just receiving a card from you.

In the end, as long as you are polite and respectful, it’s highly unlikely that you will commit any breaches of etiquette.

5

Sorry to post again, but I wanted to emphasize this. I was accosted at the visitation for my uncle by someone who kept telling me how important it was to turn to God in times like these. I am an atheist, and this made me extremely uncomfortable–there is no way to graciously turn down the comfort someone’s attempting to offer you.

6

Go natural - if the tears come, so be it. It’s your loss as well as theirs, but you do want to comfort them.

Having dealt with many deaths at this point, I’ll offer that the immediate survivors aren’t likely taking notes on what you said - they’ll only note that you said something. To them. At that time.

A recent case in point is an old friend of mine whose (idiot*) son took his own life a few weeks ago. From my prior experience, I’ll say that my sending them a card saying simply, “I’m sorry to hear of Xxxx’s death.” was all that they needed to know that I was aware and still supporting the parts of their lives that I could.

  • [sub]Sorry to be harsh, but suicide has been prominent in my life experience, and it tends to piss me off - chickenshits![/sub]
7

I am sorry for your loss.

Those words are always appropriate. Although you are grieving, please try to remember that this is a social situation and you should try to conduct yourself in a manner consistant with other attendees. By that I mean, it’s OK to cry but try not to be too disruptive. Make sure you have a supply of tissues in your purse. It’s OK to dab your eyes or quietly blow your nose but if you are so overcome with grief that you can not maintain your ccmposure, then it is OK to remove yourself from the situation until you can.

I don’t want to sound harsh but loud wailing, sobbing, throwing yourself upon the coffin and screaming at the corpse is extremely unpleasant for everyone.

As for a card, a short one sentence statement is fine.

Socializing is fine, but the topic should probably kept to rememberances of the deceased, or similar. Of course the age and circumstances surround the death of the deceased will set the tone. A funeral for a 95 year old woman who died in her sleep is going to be much different than one for a young person who died tragically.

The matter of leaving a small remembrance is up to you but should be limited to perhaps a small note, or something that can be concealed in a small envelope which can be placed in the coffin when you say your final goodbye. Please know that the funeral director may return it to the family before interrment.

Grieving is a process. I wish you peace.

8

It certainly is. Rather than getting a card with a verse in it and just signing it with no other message, you can simply write a sentence or two of condolence.

Even better, if you can manage it, is to write a little tasteful something about the person, maybe something they didn’t know about. A little story remembering something fun you did together, your appreciation of some special talent the person had, even saying you’ll miss his great smile. His family will treasure it, I promise, to know that he was loved.

Several years back a high school classmate of mine died at age 30. In my card to his parents, I told them a brief story that featured his typically snarky sense of humor. They sent a note back saying that they really appreciated it.

9

Handle your grief the way you need to handle it. Other than ostentatious displays of rending clothing (assuming your religion doesn’t call for rent garments) it’s really nobody’s business how you display your grief. If you feel like crying, cry. If you don’t, don’t. If someone thinks less of you because of how you handle your grief, screw 'em.

I am going to buck the trend slightly and suggest that rather than a card you get yourself some nice stationery and write an actual letter. I find condolence cards to be tacky. As this was an old and dear friend, my feeling is that you should write a letter of condolence, recalling some of the better memories you have and expressing your sorrow at your mutual loss.

10

Good advice from everyone. As to what to say to the family, see that phrase that Alma, Green Bean, and The Mermaid all started their posts with? Use that. It’s really the only thing to say. Say more, and you risk accidentally saying something they won’t take as comforting. When my GF’s sister and her baby died (car accident), somebody (and, God help me, I think it was a priest) said something on the order of “It was God’s will”. Now, even if that were true, is that really what the stunned and grieving family needs to hear? :rolleyes:

11

O gosh, Angel. {{{ineffectual pat on shoulder}}}
If you can write a letter of condolence to his parents, that would be best. If you simply can’t write it right now, consider sending a letter with a happy memory of your friend to his parents on the next anniversary of his birth or a year from now. It’s important that his parents know his friends miss him too.
If there’s a wake or a reception afterwards, please make an effort to socialize. There will be people there who feel just as awkward and out of place as you do. Even a few minutes’ chat to a grandmother or a cousin will help. Talk about the weather or how nice the choir sounded if you need to.

For those of you asking for context, Angel has mentioned in two threads she lives in Illinois.

12

You’re right TDG. I live in Rockford, Illinois.

What I said was mostly “I’m sorry.” Also a lot of, “If there’s anything you need, just let me know,” which is pretty much how I deal with a difficult situation (I make myself useful). I spoke with his parents and his grandma, and exchanged numbers with one of his best friends, who I hope to keep in contact with.

I did a short message in a card, though I might send something more substantial later. I also discreetly left a small pack of gum with him. It was an inside thing. He’d get it. Was that a horrible faux pas? I mean, not that he would be all that worried about pissing people–especialy his relatives–off for something like that, but. . .

Also. . .I just thought of this. . .what’s the etiquette about flowers? How do you send them? How do you get them? Is it rude if you don’t send them right away? I mean, I didn’t even THINK about the card until I was at the visitation, that’s how messed up I was? Could I get some to decorate the grave?

…sorry. Again, I’ve never done this before in my life. It’s all strange to me.

13

…also for more context, his family and my family are Catholic. He wasn’t especially religious–I think we had a conversation about a year or two ago where he said he was agnostic/atheist–and I’m more or less pagan. Does it vary by religion much, or is it more a US culture thing?