Sorry Your Mother Died!!! ;^) (or, What Were These People Smoking?)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Today I finally tackled the mess that is my home office – I NEED to get all the non-work-related stuff out of here becuse the room just ain’t that big, and now I need to make room for hubby too. So up on one of the highest shelves I find the funeral stuff from my grandparents. Hm, I don’t remember these, but they must have been in the stuff my aunt gave me when she sold her house. (After Grandpa died, Grandma lived with my aunt for many years until her own death – which came at age 84, after years of severe senility, and so was not a surprise and rather a blessing.)

So I start flipping through, reading the cards and such. Most are addressed to my aunt. Many are the typical Hallmark glurge cards with no personal note, only a signature. OK, a little tacky, but it’s unfortunately become the norm.

But they weren’t all like that. My three favorites :rolleyes: :

(1) A two-page handwritten letter from a woman who was Grandma’s closest friend for many years. Oh boy! Surely this will contain stories, cherished memories of the years they spent as neighbors and friends.

I’m afraid not. Rather, it was a two-page exposition outlining how she came to know JAY-sus, because Christ made that sacrifice for us so that we would not burn in eternal hellfire and on and on and on. She was even so helpful as to write the letter on the back of two photocopied, single-spaced diatribes about HELL, the etymological history of the word “eon,” and about 73 Bible verse citations. And she even pointed out that my aunt should read the photocopied material, which the writer had found so helpful in her life.

Uh, thanks, that’s very comforting?

(2) A signed card with the following note on the inside flap:

"Dear T, Sorry I couldn’t get down to the funeral, but B’s flight came in and I had to pick him up. (signed) R."

Did they really think a grieving person was going to find this infomation helpful? Couldn’t it have been conveyed in a phone call, or as part of a more meaningful note? Could they have been a little MORE blunt?

Sympathy letter writing tip #14: People read these things years after the fact. They are family mementos. Keep that in mind, eh?

(3) The most mind-boggling, from a nice lady who worked in the cubicle next to my mother’s for several years; I’ve met her and would never have guessed she was capable of this:

A piece of blue paper folded to make a card, and inside was pasted a white business-card-sized card with the following in a bright orange circus-type font with equally brightly colored doodly doodads: “I’M REALLY SORRY”. And a signature.

WTF???

I’m not mad, just flummoxed at what people apparently think is an appropriate expression of sympathy. :confused:

2

My take on this situation:
#1: The woman is more concerned with converting people to the faith that has made her happier than consoling someone who’s grieving over a huge loss.
#2: R obviously didn’ t think about the fact that people keep cards like that and could use some instruction on how to properly write a message saying that s/he gives his/her condolences without handing excuses over as well.
#3: I personally think she must’ve been insane or just thought that it being as “creative” as it was would make up for lack of content.

People are odd.

3

Here’s what I think must have happened:

  1. The woman thought that your aunt would find comfort in her faith and, not knowing what else to say, thought that that would be a helpful thing to say.
  2. She was apologetic about not being able to come and just didn’t know what to say.
  3. She probably thought the bright colors were cheerful, being unable to grasp the concept that cheerful things can often make a grieving person feel worse.

~monica

4

Some people are so clueless about grief. I will share a personal experience with you: my mother sold Stanley Home Products for many years. During her protracted illness, I took care of her, and handled her business. After she died, a long-time customer of hers came to the funeral home, to tell me she needed some Degreaser (Stanley product)!! I mean, there lay my mother, in her coffin, and this woman wants to buy shit!! WTF! I, usually polite and subdued, went off the deep end. I actually said something like, “I don’t know if you noticed or not, but my mother is DEAD, LAYING OVER THER!! I WILL NOT sell you ANYTHING!!” The woman looked totally perplexed, like maybe something was wrong with me!

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It’s just so weird. I mean, what is so hard about, “I’m so sorry for your loss/we were saddened to hear the news/[touching story about the deceased]/you will be in our thoughts/prayers”?

Gah!! :smack:

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Some people are complete freaks with death. I recall some abysmal treatment from people after my dad’s death, but fortunately, none of the condolence cards were tacky (that I can remember). Some people can’t deal with it at all, and act as if what you are going through (grief) is “catching” and they want no part of it.

I remember one card from a friend who had lost her dad a few years before. She got it just right, because she’d already lost someone herself, and knew what would be most appropriate and comforting. She merely wrote about what a great guy my dad was, and recalled a few good memories about him. That card really hit the spot for me. Since then I have written similar cards to other grieving people, and know that they appreciated the sentiment, and were often comforted a little.

So, it’s really simple. If you knew the dearly departed, just write a simple note saying, “I am so sorry for your loss. What a great person your [loved one] was. I remember the day with the penguins…wow, that was a really nice day.” and so on.

7

Something like that… my grandmother (dad’s side) stood up at my mother’s funeral service and essentially told my family that we were sinners and going to hell. I am a pagan. My sister, I don’t know what she is anymore. My brother is an atheist. My dad, as far as I know, is still a Xtian. My mother was not a god-fearing church-going person, but she was a very spiritual woman who believed in a supreme being and an afterlife. My grandmother stood up there and blathered about how she thought God would have come to my mom on the operating table there and offered her a second chance to accept him and join him in heaven in his eternal love and blah blah blah, and then she started quoting bible scriptures about how people should not walk with sinners and if they do they will burn forever, etc.

I was thisclose to standing up and slapping her upside the head. My DAD was even closer, and it’s his mother! But of course, this is the same woman who for Christmas last year gave all her “blasphemous” relatives a form letter (“Dear Loved One”) telling us how she was scared she was going to be separated from us for all eternity because she’d be in heaven and we were choosing eternal damnation and could we please not do that?

Some people have no sense of what is proper to say or send to a grieving person.

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I didn’t realize until after my dad died just how comforting a simple card and note can be. Before then, I was always concerned that whatever I sent wouldn’t be original enough or wouldn’t be comforting enough or would just seem lame somehow. I discoved that even the glurgy cards with sentiments like “He’s in a better place now” were reminders that there were people who cared enough about me and my family to let us know they grieved with us.

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I agree. When my brother died, those cards meant a lot. Even without a personalized note. I know that people often don’t know what to say to others in times of grief, so if the cards expresses what they want to say, then I graciously accept that and remember it and mean it when I say thank you for remembering our family during this difficult time.

I did get one card however where someone wrote: “cheer up, things will get better” :rolleyes: Three weeks after you bury someone, you don’t want someone telling you to cheer up. Sheesh! (This was an HR person, who I would have thought knew better.)

10

My dad had been undergoing treatment for a “leaky heart valve” caused by rheumatic fever when he was a child. It wasn’t caught until he was about 50 or so - he even got through the Army physical and everything. In his early 50s, he died in his sleep one night of what was probably a bad, odd arrhythmia (if I understand the second-hand explanation properly).

So I’m standing in the receiving line at the wake, and someone is asking me if my dad was being seen for his heart condition, etc., and I explain what he was doing. The guy pipes up with “Maybe it’d have turned out differently if he’d been going to [name of different hospital].” It took about everything I had to not chew that guy out right there, I was so furious. I don’t care if the guy had the miracle cure himself, I don’t want to hear that stuff at the wake.

Then one elderly guy spent definitely too much time holding the hands of my sister and I (we were both college-age at the time), and being very attentive. We were confused as to who the heck he was and why he was acting that way; when we asked later, my mom said who he was (I forget now), but said that he basically acts way too interested in young women all the time, and is kind of a lech. Yuck! How tacky is it to be obviously drooling over and nearly pawing the over-half-century-younger daughters of the guy in the coffin at the wake?

I know it’s really hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving, but if you’re confused, limit it to “I’m so sorry,” and “Let me know if there’s anything you need.” It may sound trite to you, but it’s safe, and if you meant that second sentence, you could end up being helpful to someone who needs assistance with something during a rough time.

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This thread should help me when the time comes where I need to send those cards. I have been fortunate for far too long

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PLEASE don’t say it unless you mean it.
[slight hijack]
When my brother was ill, a neighbor came over and told him how good he looked, having lost some weight, and my brother told him it was the chemo and surgery, sure fire weight loss plan. The neighbor says to my brother,“Geez that’s terrible, if you need anything, anything at all, just let me know”

My brother says “Oh, like help mowing the lawn or raking leaves”

The neighbor laughed and and said “No, really, just let me know”
:rolleyes:
[/end hijack]