My uncle died of complications of lymphoma right before Christmas. I bought a card to send to my aunt, but with one thing and another it has sat around in my notebook until now. I have warm relations with this aunt, but we’re not particularly close - we’ve never talked often, but we enjoy it when we do. I spent a week at their house about five years ago but haven’t seen them since.
My inclination is to send a card, since I doubt it’s slipped her mind that her husband of many years is dead. On the other hand, I’m wondering if I should change from a straight “sympathy” card to something more along the lines of a “thinking of you” card/letter.
I realize I’m a total dweeb for not sending something in a more timely manner. I just want to know what I should do now. I welcome opinions, and also any links to etiquette sites that mention this situation.
She’ll be delighted to hear from you, esp. since the first outpouring of sympathy has probably died (sic) down. Share a memory or two of your uncle and tell her how much they both mean to you.
Don’t send a card; send a handwritten letter instead, touching on the loss but focusing more on the good memories you have of your uncle and how important he was to you, and expressing your love and best wishes for her.
As others said, this is actually a really good time to send something, since she may be feeling abandoned after the initial outpouring of sympathy. Making it a personal letter will quell the hint of making up for your lateness.
Send her a “thinking of you” card as opposed to a “sorry for your loss” card. She’ll appreciate it either way, but it’ll be less psychologically tolling if you don’t directly bring up his death on the front of a Hallmark card. When old friends told me 3 months afterward that they were “sorry for my loss”, it really just brought back bad memories. It just made me think of the 800 million times somebody told me they were sorry for my loss during the week of the funeral. Nobody wants to be reminded of a funeral. When they just asked how I was doing , that was perfect. If they knew my cousin, I would of course bring it to their attention that he had passed. It allowed me to approach the subject from my own comfort zone instead of being ambushed with the subject. Then we’d share some teary eyed, but joyous stories that helped me work out some of my lingering issues while still validating the importance of his existence and the sorrow of his passing.
Maybe send her some pictures of you and a SO (if you have one) and a nice letter. Tell her something exciting going on in your life. Ask her how she’s doing. She’ll probably know that you’re writing her now in part because of his recent passing (I don’t mean this in a crass way, like you don’t normally give a damn about her), but this approach puts the ball in her court. If she wants to talk about your uncle, she will in the return letter. Then, you can bring him up.
I apologize if this seems a little preachy and overanalytical, but it really would have been the best approach in my experience. Take this for what it’s worth - I’m sure she’ll love to hear from you, regardless of approach.
My aunt’s husband died before Christmas. I bought a card and wrote a message but the card ended up under stuff on my desk and wasn’t mailed until last month. I spoke with her afterwards and she said that the card arrived at a time when she needed it.
Thanks a bunch. I will probably get a more generic “thinking of you” card and write a message inside it (including a brief apology for not doing it sooner).
Yes and yes. If someone very close to you had died (spouse,child) it takes a long while to get over it (and often you never really get OVER it) and it can feel like everyone else has forgotten about it and gotten on with their lives. It feels great when someone months or even years later remembers your loves ones and lets you know they were think about them and you.
My grandma died 2 years ago. My grandpa and I correspond through letters and recently one of his letters was so sad, about how much he missed my grandma. So I wrote him a letter saying how much she meant to me and how much I love her and miss her, and that I love him too. I let myself just be as sappy as could be. He told my mom it was the sweetest letter he’s ever gotten.
I almost didn’t send it, though. I felt uncomfortable and unsure of what to do when faced with someone’s grief. I’m so glad I did, and would do it again.
Just two nights ago my wife and I had dinner with friends; the guy was my best friend in grade and high school. About seven years ago, IIRC, his father died suddenly. We got onto this topic, and he mentioned that the sympathy he received at the time was nice, but expected. He explained it was the kind words and memories that came months, and even years, afterward that REALLY mattered, because he’ll always remember his Dad and it means so much to him that other people do too.
It’s nice to be remembered, and it’s nice to hear from someone I don’t have to inform about my husband’s passing. Card or letter wouldn’t have mattered to me, just a kind word of affection for both the one who died and the one who’s still hanging around.
It’s been over a year since Steve died and I’d still not look askance at a sympathy card.
Heh, I didn’t realize it was a zombie and I was scanning through the responses before I replied with “write a letter!” and damn, there I was, saying the same thing. It kind of gave me a “goose walked over my grave” feeling, as if I had travelled in time to give the same advice I always give.