Should I send this woman a Mother's Day card?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Long story.

When I was a youngster, my folks were friends with this other couple. They had a son and a daughter about my and my sister’s age, so much socializing ensued. Let’s call them Auntie Lola and Uncle Jim.

We grew up, moved away, went to college, got married, had kids, lost touch…then a few years ago my sister calls to say, “I just found out Auntie Lola lives in (the next town over from you) and her daughter (we’ll call her Maria) lives in (the next county)!”

I call up, we get in touch with her and her husband and meet up for a dinner with my dad and Maria and her daughters and my family and my sister’s family and much reminiscing ensued.

Phone calls here and there, we sort of drifted apart again (One of those “I need to call Auntie Lola and see how she’s doing”, but I never get around to it sort of things.)

Two years ago, I’m working a second job at Panera when Auntie Lola stops in with Uncle Jim. I give them a hug and Auntie Lola tells me her daughter, Maria, has been diagnosed with lung cancer and had a lobe removed. No, she never smoked. I was shocked, we promised to get together for dinner, they take their bagels and tea and off they go.

Time slipped by again, I got diagnosed with breast cancer, Auntie Lola pops up in my head from time to time, but again, to my everlasting regret, I never get in touch with her.

Then, a month ago, my sister calls to tell me that Maria (who was a year older than I was) has died of the lung cancer. Dammit all to hell and back, sez I, as I FINALLY make the time to call this lovely lady who was such a big part of my childhood.

She of course, is devastated, tells me not to fret over not being in touch because she didn’t make the effort either (of course, she had a lot on her plate too). I send her a condolence letter and I’ve been trying to get in touch with her to take her and Uncle Jim out for coffee (although I know they may not yet be up to it.) We keep missing each other, and I assume she’s spending a lot of time over at her son-in-law’s, trying to help her granddaughters (tweenies, IIRC) get through this awful time.

I can imagine Mother’s Day is going to be just horrible for her. I was thinking about sending her either a Mother’s Day card or a Thinking About You card. I don’t think anything will make that day any better, but I certainly don’t want to make things worse.

Ivylad thinks just a phone call would do. I can’t exactly wish her a Happy Mother’s Day, since it won’t be, but I do want to let her know that I’m thinking about her. What would you do?

2

I vote for sending her a “thinking of you” card. You don’t have to mention her daughter’s death, or how maybe you should have kept up with her life (and vice versa) but haven’t. Just put a note in it along the lines of “I hope you’re doing okay during this time of year. It must be difficult for you. I would like to see you and Uncle Jim. How about we meet for lunch…”

3

Ivylass, don’t send her a Mother’s Day card as such–by which I mean, not one with “Mother’s Day” on it. After my son died, my favorite niece tried that a couple of times (with Father’s Day, of course). I know what she was trying to do and I appreciate it, but seeing those words on the card made it worse.

But do send her a card around the holiday. Try to send it early enough so that it beats Der Tag by a few days. Make it a “Thinking of You” card, or even a blank card on which you write your thoughts about her.

Don’t be afraid to mention her daughter. You have to, because there is no way her daughter’s death is not on her mind. This is an enormous weight on her, and many persons in her life, I am sure, are dancing around it, which doesn’t help. That said, don’t dwell on her daughter either. Write something akin to “Hi…I know this is an enormously hard time for you…and I know I can do little to help. But i wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and how wonderful you were to me when I was a child. As Mother’s Day approaches, please know that your daughter was enormously blessed to be your child. Please feel free to call me if you need anything.”

That’s what I’d do.

4

Thanks, guys. You’re right, a Mother’s Day card would be too much, but a Thinking of You card would be more appropriate. She’ll get one from her son, I’m sure, but there’s no point in me trying to send her one, since the one she wants she’ll never get again.

It’s a crime against nature. Parents are never supposed to bury their children.

5

I just have to say Skald the Rhymer that’s perfect! A note along those lines would mean so much to Aunt Lola right now. That’s just beautiful.

6

With a sprinkling of remembrances about Maria, such as a funny or sweet story from your childhood gatherings that she might not know about.

7

I vote for the Thinking of You card on the grounds that one can send such a card Immediately or at your convenience and it will be just as meaningful. The Mother’s Day Card timing is trickier, and I’d hate to see you getting wrapped up in other things and not getting it sent.

The comments from others as to why a Thinking of You card is better from an emotional standpoint for the recipient are worth consideration as well.

But the likelihood of the card getting sent on the intended schedule would be the deciding factor for me.