I am very close to my grandmother; she is 47 years old and is like a mother to me. I can’t do justice in words to all the ways, large and small, she has been there for me over the years. It has always been my custom to send her a Mother’s Day card (it is also her birthday the same weekend) telling her what a great Mom/Grandmom she is and how grateful I am to have had her in my life.
I’m not sure what to do this year though, because my Uncle, her 30-year-old son, died very unexpectedly just two weekends ago. She has a surviving child who is 29 (My Aunt) so it’s not like she’s no longer a mother, but she’s been a little traumatized lately, to say the least.
So I’m thinking of skipping the Mother’s Day card this year. I could just send her a birthday card, but even that might be pointless. I tried to get together with her last weekend but she was too occupied to see me for longer than just five minutes, and she seemed really down. She did suggest we get together this upcoming weekend though, to talk. I’m beginning to wonder if the autopsy results came back with even sadder news. Things have returned to relative normality for me now that the funeral is over, but I can’t imagine what she must be going through right now. I don’t know whether I should just give her some space and forget the cards this year or what. I don’t want to mention anything that’s going to hurt her, but I don’t want to pretend nothing happened either and hurt her that way. Thoughts?
Oh, and I’m also going to tack on this vaguely-related query I’ve been wondering for a while. What is the atheist/agnostic equivalent to ‘‘You’re in my prayers,’’ or ‘‘I’ll be praying for you,’’ or whatever it is Christians say when they wish to express their heartfelt condolences? ‘‘You’ll be in my thoughts,’’ just doesn’t seem appropriately powerful. Is there anything in particular a Buddhist could say? I don’t mean this for my grandmother, it’s just that where I work I talk everyday with devastated people and I never know quite what to say to convey honest-to-goodness deeply spiritually felt compassion. It’s frustrating to feel it but not be able to properly convey it.
She will always be a mother, whether her children survive her or not. She will always be your grandmother. Do you usually send her a card for Mothers’ Day? If so, she’ll notice if you don’t, so it will still remind her. She’ll just wonder why you didn’t. Personally, I don’t think you can go wrong by letting her know you love her. It might make her sad to remember her son, but at least she’ll know she has you. It’s better to smile through tears than not at all.
I think you do need to acknowledge Mother’s Day. It will probably make her feel worse if you don’t. She’ll be thinking about it regardless of if you say anything or not, so you aren’t going to “remind” her of the tragedy.
She’s needs that card more than ever, really, IMO. It doesn’t have to be a Mother’s Day card–how about a card of appreciation or that and a long talk on the phone or lunch etc?
I’m 25. The grandmother in question is my grandpa’s 2nd wife, a good 20 years younger than he is, and approximately the same age as my mother. They have been married since before I was born, so she’s always been Grandma to me. I know it’s weird, it screws up the family dynamic of everything – her kids are more like my brothers and sisters than my aunts and uncles.
I don’t think it’s so weird, I’ve had a step-grandmother since birth too, though she and I were never close (my paternal grandfather severed most ties with his kids when my bio grandmother died. None of his grandkids met him more than a handful of times). Growing up two of my favorite “relatives” on my mom’s side weren’t by blood, either, but her aunt and uncle’s spouses. As for ages, I’m closer in age to my mom’s youngest cousins than most of their kids, which is signficant since my brother and I only have one maternal cousin ourselves.
Anyway, I think you should send the card, if it’s tradition to do so. If you stop now, that’s just one more thing that’s changed forever, and not in a positive way. You still love her, and the card as expected will remind her of that, probably more than it will hurt to be reminded of the recent death.
Ah. I don’t think it’s weird, but I call my grandfather’s 2nd wife my step-grandmother. I like her, and all that, but she’s not my grandmother. Maybe that’s just me.
Absolutely, positively send her a card. If picking out a Mother’s Day card makes you feel ooky, just look for a card for grandmother, or else go with something from the “thinking of you” line.
For the record, I was born on Mother’s Day, and we always celebrated the two together. When my mother died, it deflated the day for me, but I still make sure my wife gets the proper celebration.
I guess so. I grew up with her children, at times lived in her house, but I never knew her as anything other than Grandma. I have always had two Grandmas on my Mom’s side, Grandma [First Name B] and Grandma [First Name M.] I am on the whole much closer to my so-called step-grandma than almost any other person in my family. The only reason I mentioned her age in the first place was to justify the mother-daughter dynamic we often have going. She helped me pick out my wedding dress and paid for my cake, for goodness’ sake. Though my grandpa is a lot like a father to me, and he’s pushing 70, so I guess ultimately age is irrelevant. Sorry for the confusion.
lavenderviolet my husband said the same thing basically, that by sending the card I’m not going to suddenly remind her that it’s Mother’s Day and her son is gone. It’s going to be painful for her no matter what, so I guess the more love I can send her way the better.
I’m another who thinks that she’ll probably need the card, the tangible proof of your feelings and concern for her, more than ever this year. I don’t know that it will make her feel better - but I suspect she’ll feel even worse without it.
If sending a specifically “Mothers Day” card is what is giving you pause, write a letter. In fact, in general, forego the card and write a letter. My grandmother is deaf as a damned post and it’s always been hard to talk to her on the phone, but now that she’s 91 it’s practically impossible. Letters on the other hand - she reads them to everybody who comes by, she writes back every time, and you’re really going to want those letters in the long term. A card doesn’t give you the room to write all the things you’d like to say, and a letter is just so much more personal. That whole page of stationery seems like a lot to fill, but once you’ve got “Dear Grandma” down it fills itself. Thanks for reminding me that I really need to write Grandma.
ETA - just so you know, since I’ve started writing substantial letters and occasionally including cookies, I am totally her favorite grandchild. Unfortunately, she’s got nothing to leave in the will but her dentures. But she does rub it in everybody’s face “Oh, Zsofia sent me the nicest letter…”
Joining the chorus to say send the card (and a letter too per Zsofia’s advice).
If both of my children died this week (God forbid), I would still be a mother. You better believe I would be thinking of them regardless on Mother’s Day.
When we get all wrapped up in very strictly defining what a mother is, we ignore all those women who played all or some of that role for us. Your grandmother is certainly important to you, you’ve always viewed her in the role of mother, and I’d say that hasn’t changed this year.
See, I had a son once. I don’t anymore. And it just kills me whenever I think about him, which is erratic. anyway occasionally people have out of the godness of their hearts tried to give me father’s day cards. my son’s older sister has. but it itjsut highlights what’s not there anymore and
Sorry. Anyway, don’t send a card. Just send her a letter. write it yourself and just say that you know that this is a hard time for her. but a pre-printed card will just kill her.
I’d send a “thinking of you” card. It subtly acknowledges her loss without a “Mother’s Day” knife in the gut (which I think it would feel like so soon after her loss). A delicate balance.
Can you spend the day with her? Let her know, “I’m here for you.” If she wants to cry or to reminsce, be there for her. She’ll appreciate it more than you know.
I appreciate the responses. I was thinking of getting her a ‘‘Thinking of You’’ sort of card, but I was chatting with her and she just went to a big Mother’s Day event at her church, 5 generations of mothers including her daughter and 4 year old granddaughter. My grandmother kind of amazes me sometimes. Well, all the time. But basically I’m getting the vibe that she’s aware it’s Mother’s Day and intends to participate in it.