Someone I really liked and admired passed away quite unexpectedly several months ago. We were both Rotary members and I had some professional contact with him, as well. Interesting, funny guy – a research scientist who’d started out studying classical piano and put himself through school by playing in cocktail lounges. I think of him at every single Rotary meeting, because he played the piano for the singing of the national anthem, and the new pianist plays it in a completely unsingable key.
Anyhoo, when he died, I immediately wrote a sympathy note to his family, whom I do not know. I thought it had gotten mailed, but today I was horrified to discover the card, unmailed, lying on the couch. I had put it where I usually put outgoing mail, and it had fallen and ended up under a chair. My husband uncovered it searching for something else.
So what should I do? I could just go ahead and mail it and let the family puzzle out, when they see the date I wrote the card, why they’re just now getting it. But, as it is Christmas card season, an unexpected sympathy note amongst the Christmas greetings feels kinda like a turd in the punch bowl.
I could wait and send it in January. Hell, it’s this late, what’s another month? But do I just mail it, or do I somehow try to explain what happened? Or do I just ditch the original note and write a new one, explaining why it is so late? Or write a new one and send it now, acknowledging that I’m particularly thinking of the family as they go through their first Christmas without him?
If I were part of your friend’s family, I’d be fine with a note like this. They’ll surely be thinking of him, and it’ll be nice for them to know that others are as well.
After my first husband died, I didn’t hear from several people until months later. I thought nothing of the “delay”, just that it was nice of them to write or call.
I’d probably ditch it and write a new one – don’t make your failure to mail an issue they have to think about. Just tell them that you still think of him every week at your Rotary meetings, and that you miss his presence in your life. They’ll appreciate the thought.
If it’s a note and not a card, it won’t get confused with any Christmas cards coming in so they won’t get an emotional jolt when it’s not what they expected.
And thanks for being a Rotarian – y’all sent me overseas for a year when I was in high school and it was the best experience in my life.
You’re welcome! It’s so much fun having the exchange students at the meetings, talking about what they’ve been up to – and hearing from our returning outbound students.
I’m really, really hoping my kid will apply when he’s old enough. I really admire y’all, who are willing to just jump into a new culture and make the best of it.
I was thinking about this some more, and wanted to add to what I said. If I were on the receiving end of this sympathy card, I wouldn’t want to get the ‘forgot to send this’ note.
Sending a message now with ‘I forgot to send this before’ sends the message ‘I’m perfunctorily performing my societal duty so you won’t think I’m rude, even though I couldn’t actually make the effort to get it right the first time.’ (Even though it was a genuine oversight on your part, it still kind of is the message.)
On the other hand, sending a newly written sympathy note says ‘Even though it has been many months and the well of sympathy has largely dried up from all but your closest friends, I still remember your loved one with fondness and feel the loss of his presence in my life.’
How long is ‘several months’? Is it plausible to wait until the anniversary of his death to send the note? That would make it an extra kindness/remembrance, rather than a goof.
I would avoid a card with any pre-printed ‘Holiday sentiment’. I’d write something about “thinking of you and remembering Tom during this season of hope” in a blank car with a suitable picture. Maybe a robin on an evergreen …
As luck (?) would have it, there will probably be others writing notes to his family at this time of year, because he organized the annual senior citizens’ holiday dinner our Rotary club puts on every year. I don’t think I’d be the lone person sending a “I’m thinking about John especially at this time of year” note.
